Ramblings

You broke up with me not too long ago. I ask myself why like I didn't know.. I know I wasn't there. I know I hurt you. I know.. but I tried sticking it out. Why can't you? Why can't people stick beside me through my issues? Why does it feel like I have to keep everything to myself for people to stay? Why can't I feel my feelings? Why do I have to take on everything and drown as people use me to float? Why do I have to be so numb? Silly thoughts. Way to silly. It must be a me problem. It really must be? I feel like everyone sees me as someone who's stable, responsible, and put together.. but I'm really just this scared little boy inside. This boy that's rocking back and forth on the floor in my dark childhood room. Almost like a boy living in a horror movie. Maybe like little nightmares. When I show this scared boy to people they don't understand. I show my emotion.. I plead for my life.. I try my hardest to get my point across and it's like it just doesn't land. Like there's a disconnection. Like what I'm saying, expressing, isn't a big deal. Like I'm being cast to the side. Take it. Take more. Idk. It's like I have to say "fine" when people ask how I am when I'm sad. Or I have to say "it's not a big deal". Because if I do show them then I get nothing. Things stay the same. I continue getting hurt. Then I just hurt more and more.

I'm rambling. I drink a ton. I get high a lot. This hasn't been the case for a long long long time. I feel like my heart is being grabbed, twisted, and ripped out of my chest. I loved her so fucking much. I still do. I find myself reading her writing so much. Probably too much for my heart to handle. I would do anything for her. How did I let myself lose her..

I don't value my life. I never really have to be honest. I wish I was strong enough to put it to an end. Is that weakness? Some would call it strength to continue. How cruel. How cruel of this world to force me to live for others. Just.. how cruel.

Is it cruel? It's probably a me problem. I need to fix this. I need to fix myself. I need to fix myself for others. How sad that I let myself get to this point. What a joke. Fuck do I hate myself

I truly fucked up. I hurt the person I love so bad. I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to hurt people. I really don't