Rainy Thunderous Day

Welp. Here I was, ready to head out to Fashion Island for the third day in a row. I need to buy gifts for friends and loved ones. Yeah, I bought some for you too, lady. Maybe one day I can give them to you. But when I was about to leave.. BAM, monsoon. Hello? I check and it's supposed to rain hella and thunder (the thunder here is wild btw). So here I am. I'm going to practice some language, watch a show, and idk.. read probably. Last night was really tough. Yesterday was tough in general. I had a massive panic attack in Fashion Island. That was rough. It lasted like all day. I've been having panic attacks over the past year or so. Sometimes regularly. That's the thing. Some days I feel numb and can function decently, other days I'm an absolute mess. When I'm a mess I either feel my feelings or distract myself by either drinking, getting high, diving into something, or various other methods of coping (earlier in 2024 was definitely the days of distraction). I'll go a few days to a couple weeks feeling numb and distracting myself from my feelings then I'll be a mess for a long ass time. It's all been from getting broken up with for sure. Not just because I got broken up with, but because I lost the person I'm in love with. Seriously the person I pictured myself living life with. Idk, this past year has been weird. I think us talking helped me not feel the pain as much because she was in my life, but I still felt the pain really fucking bad. I'm definitely an avoidant when it comes to pain and feelings. I think that's a huge downfall to me. But I've gotten so much better at it over the past year. I think having less on my plate and less drama in my life has helped that for sure. I'm just sad that all came too late. I wish 2023 was when I let the burdens get lifted off of me so I could've saved our relationship, but alas.. here we are. I hoped that we could come back stronger together, but it seems like she wants other things. I'm not really sure what those other things are. She says that she's a different person now. "I'm not the girl you once knew". I don't believe it one bit tbh. Maybe I've been rude in my previous writings, but those are my thoughts. I know her better than anyone (I mean, I could practically read her mind. Remember that time in my room at the Linden house where you were being funny and I said your thoughts out loud?). I can feel really feel her front. But I don't know. Maybe the front is only with me? That could definitely be the case. I know she's been trying to move on and part of that is not thinking about me or having me in her life. I've tried to move on, but I definitely can't. I'll always have a vast amount of love for her and I'll always have a massive piece of myself missing. I feel it. It seems like she doesn't believe in the things she once believed in. That's silly. I know she does. It comes out in her writing all the time. Even when her and I would speak on the phone or text it would come out. So I can't believe that you're not the girl I once knew. It's like she's trying to hide from me. You're strong, I know that. I see you being insanely strong. I feel like I'm partly responsible for that. Not in a good way though. Like she had to become strong because who else does she have but herself. It makes me sad. I guess I hope one day you can be weak for me. Not in like a bad way.. weak might be the wrong word....... maybe vulnerable rather. I hope one day you can open your heart up to me again because I know with all of my being that your love for me, our love, doesn't disappear like that. Trust me, I know from personal experience. From trekking through hell. Those are my hopes. Those are my thoughts.

Oh yeah, I feel like you don't know the extent of my love. Maybe once you did, but not anymore. I've told you before, but I'll tell you again.. not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. I'd read all of your writing over and over again. Your writing when you were 18. Your writing while you were in college. Your writing about love and what it means. Your writing to your past and future self. Your poems. Your pain. I've read it all over and over again. I never stopped loving you. I hope one day you'll believe that.