My Thoughts

Deens,
There is so much I want to say to you. Part of me feels like it's way too late. Part of me hopes that it's not. I've been thinking about so much about my life, my feelings, what I've been through, etc the past year. I have so many mixed feelings.. but I guess I want to start out by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being the best boyfriend I could've been. I'm sorry for not always being there when you needed. I'm sorry for not being close to you like I should've been. The past 3-4 years have been incredibly tough, yet have been fulfilling in a lot of aspects as well. I wish we had met under different circumstances. I really do. I tried my absolute best to be there for you and to love you best as I could during that time. I was so burdened with many many things. Living at the Circle house made that VERY apparent. It broke me to the point that I fundamentally changed as a person.. for the worse. I became so defensive, hateful, spiteful, angry.. trying to protect myself. I was under so much stress from my roommates, friends, family, our relationship, etc., that I was crumbling under the pressure. I feel like I've been taken advantage of by so many people close to me for so long. I've pleaded and pleaded and pleaded with everyone around me, but it's like nobody understands or cares to listen about how their actions impact me. Being the one to handle everything regarding housing, having to pick up the slack on bills and try to mangle money out of my roommates.. being the only one to deal with property management and when I ask for help nobody is willing; being the only one to try to get new roommates, asking my roommates for help with giving tours and all but getting met with "I don't feel comfortable doing that", being the only one to clean and try to make the place nice, having roommates owing me multiple months rent and one owing me the security deposit from over a year ago to this day; getting the Linden house move out fee of $4,500 put on me on top of having my $2500 security deposit taken when I had conversations with Layton, Lily, and Ian about cleaning and what we had to do upon moving out yet them putting pretty much all of the cleaning and repairs on me and dipping as soon as we got the keys to the Circle house trying to get them to pay their bills over and over and over and over and over, or to take over bills, etc. I feel like my pleading with everyone was like pulling teeth. It was so much of that all the time. And that's just roommate stuff. Having anyone else take some sort of responsibility was impossible.. It was so incredibly difficult and nobody would help. On top of roommate stuff, it was dealing with my family and their fighting.. my mom and sister blowing up on each other and me being thrown in the middle of it, my mom (or sister?) calling the cops on the other one right after Christmas, the passive aggressiveness, the fighting with my brother, my sister cutting me out of her life over me having the wrong tone with her.. etc. It was also the stresses of our relationship. Supporting you, trying to help you through incredibly difficult situations, the dark things, Boston, having the pressures of being your "savior", etc. Not just those things though. There are so many other things that I was dealing with, wrapping my head around, stressing over, while going through the things above.

I know it was some of the worst times of your life. There was a lot that happened. There was a lot that I tried coordinating and helping you with. There was just so much I was trying to handle.. the Jules/Lily drama, the weirdness in the house... you probably get the point. THERE WAS SO FUCKING MUCH.. and I just got absolutely no help. I felt so fucking alone, Deens. I've told you in the past that it felt like my feelings just didn't matter. That I'm not allowed to feel. I'm not allowed to have emotions. It's others that need to be taken care of. Not me. I need to handle everything and be stable or else everything falls apart. I've felt alone for so long. I feel like I was just trying to survive. Trying not to go crazy. Trying to handle everything while dealing with my own problems, dealing with my own work, trying to do the things that I wanted to do.. that I needed to do. But I couldn't. I can't do it all. I've fucking tried. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn't love you enough, or that I didn't care enough to be there for you, or that I made you second guess whether you should reach out to me. I'm so fucking sorry. I was trying to survive and I think that if I sensed any kind of additional stress being put on me it just broke me. I went into fight or flight mode because I just couldn't handle more. It's like "here we go again, another fucking thing on top of my mountain of death". I was (maybe still kinda but hopefully healing) so fucking broken. I couldn't handle it all.. I was so fucking depressed, Deens.. I tried not taking on any further responsibilities like bills or anything regarding the house, being against marrying you so you could live here, etc because I couldn't handle being responsible for yet another thing. I was scared to take on more responsibility and it made me incredibly hesitant out of self-preservation. Everything just added and added and added. After you broke up with me I cried so fucking much and did things I'm not proud of. I just completely stopped caring about my life. I haven't felt so heartbroken ever.. my heart still aches. I've known that I've been incredibly in love with you where I thought of you as someone I could spend the rest of my life with, but I have really realized that I am so so so so deeply in love with you, Deens. There's not a single day that goes by in which I don't think about you. I'm scared. I'm scared that it's too late. It makes me sad that you don't need me in your life anymore, or maybe even want me in it. I'm afraid that maybe you just needed me as a crutch to get to a better spot. When I think about things in the past now things have really cleared up. The most prominent thing is "would I marry you". My biggest hold up is that I didn't want to marry you so that you could live here. I didn't want another responsibility like that on me. Like I'm responsible for you living here and if things ended then it's like I'm stealing your world away. It was a lot of pressure. I thought like this because of all of the other things that I was burdened with against my will. I didn't want to add another "responsibility" to that mountain. I was scared, hesitant, and trying to protect myself. I think about it today and I have such a different perspective on that. Marrying you so you can stay with me isn't so scary to me anymore. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. I'm sorry I let all of the things that I've mentioned, and everything else I haven't, affect me so much.

I don't think I was able to feel for a long time. It's like, I couldn't feel. Not because I couldn't, but because I had to lose those feelings and emotions to continue on. I had to be the stable force in my family, in my friends, and in my relationship. It's like I was supporting EVERYONE. I felt so alone. One thing that comes to mind that really hurts is how Ian owed me rent for 9 months. I'd have to constantly check in and he'd just kinda blow me off. He'd come up with plans to save $100 a paycheck so that he could save and then pay.. yet he maid like 8x the amount of rent a month. He'd then go blow $600 on hotels in Eugene hoping to get lucky. That's not even 1/4 of it. That didn't only happen with Ian. The disrespect and lack of regard for my feelings has been a thing ever since Layton, Lily, and Ian moved in with me at the Linden house. Or even before that with the whole Nia situation. About a year or two before you and I met. It's been years of hurt and feeling like my feelings are just put last

I wish I could've just taken care of you not just because you were going through one of the hardest times of your life, but simply because you are you.

Being in a relationship at that time when I was being burdened with so much wasn't ideal. Especially with how things were in our relationship. I feel traumatized by so many things.. by being taken advantage of by my closest friends constantly, by having my feelings put last in every kind of relationship, by what happened in Boston.. just by so much. Idk these are a lot of the thoughts that I've had.

I love you so fucking much, Deens. I'm in love with you. I truly am. I think about you every single day. I really do. I look at our messages, pictures of us, and think about memories I've made with you. I just love you, Deens.

I miss talking with you everyday. I miss talking about things like math or anime or really whatever. I miss interacting with you, having you in my presence.. just I miss you. You're the closest person I've had. It's just so easy with you

Feb 14, 2025

Am I just complaining? I'm not really sure tbh. I feel like my feelings are valid in so many ways. I've been hurt in so many ways, but.. it just feels like I'm whining? Like I should be able to handle things, avoid circumstances, and take precautionary steps. What comes to mind is literally young Gojo

Feb 26, 2025

Deens,
Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. I wake up and you're in my thoughts. In the middle of my days.. you pop in. At nighttime when I'm going to sleep.. you're there. Is it pathetic that I'm still so hung up on you? I came to the conclusion that you're the love of my life a long time ago.

You talked about how you needed to be saved. I myself needed a lot of saving. I think I needed to be saved. Being depressed. Having "a cup of coffee" being the one thing to keep me going

You came up in a conversation between Ian and I. We were talking about drugs since he split his finger. He mentioned that he regretted how he talked to you about drugs. Like he didn't help regarding your mental health, but rather probably enabled and hurt your mental health. It was tough on me because I was trying to help you and it felt like him and others were kinda hurting that. It was really tough talking with you about your mental health, past mental health things, drug/alcohol abuse, etc. then watch and listen to Ian talk about that shit without regard. It killed me

Have you ever watched someone you love fall into a death spiral? Where no matter how hard you try to pull them out they just sink further and further in.

I've been so sad for so long. Sad with myself. Sad with life. I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my life than watching and listening to Deens be so depressed. Other than her breaking up with me.

I've felt so alone for so long. Like I'm battling all of my demons alone. When it comes down to it it's just me. I'm there for others lifting them up while they step on my head drowning me

I've never been so sad. Everyday I think about you. I've been sad since we broke up.. since before then.. but I've been sad because you're not in my life. Everyday I miss you. Everyday I wish I could go back in time and change things. Everyday I wish I could still be with you.

You probably don't know this, but I've thought about and pictured settling down with you. The house we'd live in, where we'd live, starting a family with you, how we'd act with our kids, what our kids would look like, experiencing new things together... Everything. I think about it a lot more often than you may think. Since the first time I said "I love you" I've thought about a future with you

God I'm a mess. I've been a mess. I've been a mess since you and I first met. It wasn't just you. I feel like I'm come across as strong, capable, reliable.. but I struggle every fucking day. I'm such a mess

Falling - Harry Styles

If I ever get the opportunity to be with Deens again, do important things in Tuesdays

March 2, 2025
I'm going through a car wash in Newburg right now on my way back from Rob's bachelor party in Newport with Ian. Every time I go through one I think of you. I think about making out with you while going through one and how you really wanted to do that. I want to do that again

March 12, 2025
I want to be with you, Deens. I want to take care of you. I want to love you. I just want you. You are the love of my life. I can say that with confidence. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I'd do anything to have you in my life again. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this point.. to open up. But I'm here. It breaks my heart every fucking day knowing that I may never get to be with you again.

March 13, 2025
You probably don't know this, but I think and have thought about our future a ton. Or like what our future would look like I guess. I remember you telling me that you don't know if you would be a good mother, and I told you that I think you'd be an incredible mother since you're so caring and loving and all. That wasn't me just trying to make you feel better or anything. I said that because I thought about, imagined, fantasized about us having kids together. How beautiful our kids would be, what our house would look like, what our lives would look like. I thought about us living in Vegas and experiencing that warm weather together. I thought about our home and what that would look like. I imagined a similar home to what my sister and Chuckie have. A big, modern looking home, with a massive kitchen where I could cook big meals, a warm living room where we'd watch our shows and fall asleep together when we're too tired to go upstairs to our bedroom, a cozy theater room in which we'd probably spend a lot of our time together, a lovely backyard with patio furniture and a firepit (maybe even these ceiling heaters for when it gets too cold), a warm and comfortable reading nook, a library.. just all of that. I've thought about us getting ready in the morning with our kids (a boy and a girl) and taking them to elementary school. I've thought about our family watching cartoons together on the weekends. I've thought about how our wedding would look like, how beautiful you'd look in your wedding dress, us crying together and embracing one another.. I've thought about all of this and more over the years. I know I've never really mentioned any of this and I don't really know why. Probably because I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt. But I love you, Deens. You are the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have been so sad for so long. Sad about many things, but incredibly sad regarding you and what you were going through. Sad about us not being together. Sad that you feel so distant. I'm sure you were sad about a lot of similar things. I don't know. I want to give you all of me. I want a future with you. Part of me hopes that maybe we could have that future together. Another part of me wonders if you still love me. I wonder if you'd give me another chance. I wonder if we could live happily ever after together (even when things aren't always so happily ever after). I wonder if I'll ever be a part of your life again. God I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss your presence, your voice, your touch, your love, your sadness, your perseverance.. everything. You are someone that I truly look up to. You are so incredibly strong, loving, kind, gentle. You are truly a beautiful soul. I love you, Deens.