my third letter

~~March 22, 2025

Hey Deens. I wanted to let you know that I'll be flying to thailand April 14th. I'm coming because I want to see you. You mean the world to me. I'd really like to see you, talk to you, and all of that. I wanna celebrate your birthday. I wanna just experience things with you again. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Through the lows and the highs - I want it all. I'm all in Deens. I'm sorry it took me this long to have this resolve. If you want to see me I will be there, but if you don't.. I'll be sad but that's okay. I'd get it. I hope to see you. I love you, Dnee

Love, Dev~~

March 22, 2025

There are a lot of things I regret about the past three to four years. I regret taking on so much when I didn't have to. I regret not setting boundaries when I needed to. I regret letting the things that I battled with persist and deeply affect me. I regret not battling things together with you. I regret putting walls up. I regret running away from my problems. As I've mentioned before, I feel like I've just been trying to survive. Every day was a constant battle in my head of feeling hurt and talking myself out of it - debating what's right or wrong, if I'm right or wrong, why my loved ones are okay hurting me, etc. It been exhausting. I'm sure you know the feeling. I guess I'm at a point where I can breath. Where I don't feel like I'm drowning struggling to survive. I was overwhelmed for so long. But now I'm drowning in a much different way.

I regret a lot of things, but the one thing I don't regret is.. you. Even through the ups and downs. I look back on our time together very dearly. I've known since the beginning that I loved you. When I first told you at my sister's house in Vegas while we were sleeping on the floor when I was sick and you were taking care of me. I've known before that when I first let you live with me after we had just met each other. When you came to Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle's place within the first month of knowing each other. When you came to Christmas. When I let you in my life. I let you know the people in my life. I brought you into my family. Those were huge signs for me. I keep guarded a lot because I'm scared to get hurt. It comes across maybe as I have my life together, but I battle with things everyday. I think very similarly to you. That's why I can relate to you a lot. Like I've said, each day feels like such a battle of back and forth in my head and it's exhausting. The one thing that I do regret about the past three to four years is allowing everything in my life to affect me so deeply and letting it impact us. I've mentioned before how I feel like I have changed fundamentally as a person. I became negative, pessimistic, untrusting, and all of that.. But that's not me. As I've been able to catch my breath little by little, I've slowly fallen back into the loving, trusting person I used to be. And it's been a really hard journey to say the least. I regret it because I let it change me and I let it affect us. I definitely put up walls. I tried protecting myself. I would push people away because I just stopped trusting everyone. One major instance of that is when I would tell you that I didn't truly know your intentions. It was me lying to myself, trying to protect myself, because I didn't trust ANYONE anymore and I couldn't stand getting hurt again and again and again. When you and I were on the phone when you broke up with me you said that you felt like I truly didn't love you because if I did, I would be there for you. I would save you. I wish I did. I tried being there for you in so many ways, but I know that towards the end I wasn't as I should. You being in the place that you were mentally and your situation and all that, it broke me over and over again as it broke you. I felt so helpless to help you. To save you. I know it was incredibly difficult for you, and it still probably is. I'm sorry I put up walls and distanced myself at times. I just couldn't handle everything and I eventually just broke. I felt so alone. I feared losing you. I feared losing you to dying. I feared so much. Those images still live in my head. So I just shutdown. I truly do love you. You hold such a special place in my heart. There's not a single day that's gone by the past two to three years that I didn't think about you. You breaking up with me was and is the most painful thing that's happened in my life maybe second to my dad passing. My inability to be present with you always was from my own depression.. my own exhaustion.. my own fears.. I just wasn't strong enough and I'm so, so fucking sorry, Deens. Everything made me question what I value. It made me question my resolve for what I wanted. It made me question people. It made me question everything. I truly lost who I was. I wish I told you all of this earlier.. much earlier. But here we are.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Deens. I've never felt so sure of something in my life. I'm sorry it took me so long to have this resolve. I'm so sorry it took me so long to open up and bare my soul to you. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I've thought about our future.. all the fucking time. Even now I think of how to make it work. Fuck, I'd give up everything to be with you. I'd move to Thailand. I'd pay for you to move here. I would go anywhere you wanted to be. I just want to live beside you.. with you. A lot of my life I've focused on work. That's definitely been a coping mechanism. I've realized that now more so than ever. I don't want to live for anything so meaningless. I want to live for YOU. I want to give you my everything. I want to last eternity with you. I've never experienced so much joy in my life than with you. I've never experienced so much emotion. You bring color to my dull life. Nobody has brought me that. I feel like I understand you on another level. And I feel like you get me too. I've thought in the past that soulmates aren't really a thing. My skeptic self.. There are seven plus billion people on this planet, and having one person be your person, the only person that fits, sounded crazy to me. But you are my soulmate. That I've never been so sure of. I don't care whether we are rich or poor. I don't care if we are living on the streets or in a big beautiful mansion. I would go to heaven and fall to hell with you. You are the love of my life, Dnee. Will you marry me? I promise myself to you. We'll even do a pinky promise. I hope you remember how important those are to me.

This ring is the most important thing to me. It's not just a ring to me. It's my heart.. my soul.. my everything. This was my dad's wedding band. The wedding band I plan on wearing for the rest of my life one day. The band that will be embedded into my finger when I'm 80 years old. Every time I look at this ring I think of him. Memories race through my mind. The loving person he was. His beautiful smile. Just.. warmth and love. I want to give this to you so that you can give it back one day. The day that I marry you. I hope you will accept it.

I'm planning on being in Thailand April 14th. For a week and a half or so. The sole purpose is to see you. You have no idea how much it would mean to me if you were there. If you still love me and you still feel like you can spend the rest of your life with me, I hope that you're willing to take a leap of faith with me.

Will you be my rose once more, this time forever?

With all of my love,
-Dev

I couldn't send the ring/necklace in the mail because I guess Thailand doesn't allow that.. so I'll be bringing them with me to Thailand.