March 27, 2025 - Ramblings

I can't count how many times I've cried. The past 2 years have been some of the hardest times of my life. The worst part is I hurt the one person that I truly love.. I really fucked up. How could I have let myself hurt her... I've been breaking down everyday for a long time now. There are very few days that I don't. I'd try to hold these feelings in keeping them at bay. But I couldn't. I wish I could act on my feelings more. I wish I could express them better. I think I'm getting better at it, but I'm still working on it. I admire Deens for being able to feel her feelings so well. I would always tell her how strong I thought she was. Incredibly fucking strong. I looked up to her a ton. I wish I could be more like her in many ways. I have so many shortcomings, but I've been working so hard to figure it out. I don't know if I can ever live life beside her ever again.. if she'll be a part of my life. I've lived without her before, but it's like giving sunlight to a flower that has never seen the sun.. then taking it away. Why couldn't I fight and take action so much earlier? Why now? Just.. why? God I hate myself.