gettin schwifty

but it was so painful too
through the lowest of the lows
i was there

slowly eaten away
a living husk of who i once was
i give until i have nothing
i gave when i had nothing anyway

maybe one day you’ll understand
the world may understand
i am not as strong as i seem
i am only human it seems

i’ll continue giving everything
that is who i am
i’ll continue struggling for those i love
i’ll continue struggling for you my love

“loving you was so easy, but it was so painful too”. something you’ve said to me. i’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. i give too much. my sister says too a fault. she wishes i left situations i never did. she hates seeing me so sad. but i think i’m a lot stronger now. i’ve learned how to not completely shut down. i’ve learned how to express myself better. i’ve put my ego aside. i found myself again and i’ll try desperately to never lose myself again. i have reminders. i have this feeling of who i am. i’ve accepted a lot of things. i’ve learned what it looks like to lie to myself over and over again to survive. i’ve learned how to not live in a fog. i’ve learned to love love. i’ve learned to love music and media again. i went a long time without listening to music.. something very unlike myself. i sit down and engross myself in shows and books again. i started writing and doing artistic things again. i’ve learned so much these past years, and i don’t think i could’ve without you. i put in a lot of work and here i am.. living for love. because what else is there? your favorite book has taught me a lot over the years. i started it when you first gave it to me. i read a ton. i started it again a year ago. i started it again back in february and finally finished the last bit i hadn’t read. it’s funny how humans can get so lost. morrie says it’s easy to snap out of it, and in a lot of ways it is, but in a lot of ways its not. but i do think that being honest with ones’ self makes it a whole lot easier. i feel that within myself. so i choose to live for love because what else do we really have? i choose to live through the pain because what a beautiful experience it is. “i feel it and i feel it completely”. i choose to let myself be vulnerable. normally i do stuff alone. i take on the burdens. but over the past year or so i’ve been a lot more open to my family about my downfalls. like truly open. not just objectively saying it, but expressing my emotion. crying. feeling my feelings. before i felt like i couldn’t because i felt like i had to be perfect. i took on so many burdens myself. i’ve realized it isn’t other people putting burdens on me, it’s myself taking on those burdens because i love those around me. i love my community. but maybe that’s not fully true. i feel as if people relied on me a ton. that’s a beautiful thing, but it broke me along the way. i felt like i had to be perfect because if i wasn’t things would fall apart for those around me. i felt like i couldn’t have worries or feel my feelings because i had to be on top of everything or else the world would crumble. i felt that with you too. i felt so much pressure from you to save you. i couldn’t handle it all even if it’s what i wanted. i wanted the things you did, but i had so much on my shoulders. morrie also said that a big mistake is thinking we’re important. i finally get that one. as soon as i broke nothing crumbled around me. i thought “why was i taking on so much for?”. i resented people. “why would they put so much on me?”. i was incredibly hurt. i felt like nobody cared for me or thought that i mattered. nobody helped me while i was dying. but here we are. i don’t mind if i get hurt in the process, especially if it’s my conscious choice to support people. i can feel those feelings completely and move on. but i should never close my heart completely. something you told me in the fall. something that’s stuck with me. i did close my heart completely for a little while. it was the saddest time of my life. i wonder if you’ve closed your heart completely. maybe you’ve only closed your heart off to me. i know you wake up throughout the night. i know you’re struggling. i see it because i’ve been struggling.. in very similar ways. i know you’re trying your hardest. i know you’re trying to move on. trying to forget and be strong. maybe i’m doing all of this because i’ve been down that path and all i ever wanted was someone to.. hug me. to tell me everything is going to be okay. to truly see me. to bring me down from the ledge. to let me know that i’m not in it alone. to push and push until i pour my heart out. i see a lot of myself in you. so much of myself really.