april 18, 2025
More and more, as I read my thoughts, I end up hating my writing. So many patterns, so many repeated words, so much disfunction, so unorganized, so ugly. I used to love writing a lot, but I think that bit is fading. I do love writing, but I hate what I write. I find every issue with it really. Uncreative. Mistakes everywhere. Just ugly.
i'm having a panic attack. i don't know what to do. i can't do this
maybe i won't keep it offline? maybe i'll do some sort of hybrid option haha. it's been pretty important to voice my thoughts and feelings i think, even if some of my thoughts are ugly and nasty and selfish and awful.. i'm desperately sorry for those thoughts. you have no idea. i often say that if anyone has a criticism about myself, "trust me, i've thought of it first and have toiled over it for forever". nobody hates my thoughts and feelings more than myself. i feel like i'm living in despair right now. i've honestly never felt so low in my life. i feel like i've been living life yet have been so void of living. like i'm an empty shell of myself. like something core to my soul had been missing. i feel as if i was distracting myself from those feelings for so long. well, i'm at least glad i'm feeling my feelings even if it pains me to death to do so. i've legit cried more in the past week or so than i have my whole life. so desperate. so weak. so.. pathetic.
april 17, 2025
maybe keep it in, dev. though this has been helpful for me to get things out there, i feel as if this were a huge mistake, we'll be going offline now and back to the old pen and paper. one thing is certain, i’m a huge idiot.. i’m sorry for hurting you so much. i'm sorry if you read any of this. i’m falling apart
i've been really pathetic haven't i?
but at the end of the day, i'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. i don't have to bring this stuff up anymore, but i hope you understand why i did. why i had to voice my feelings about us. i don't mind talking normally. i don't mind being friends.. but it feels like you're trying to cut me out of your life entirely tbh. you mean too much to me to just be a friend that disappears. but if that's how you see me then i guess that's how you see me. if you don't want me in your life at all then what else can i do? it saddens me because i hold onto relationships, friendships, and family very dearly. if i'm about someone i will die for them. i will die for family. i will die for friends. i will die for the different relationships. so yeah, it saddens me a lot. it saddens me that i seemingly mean nothing to you. or at least you say i mean nothing to you. it saddens me because i'm definitely someone who fights and struggles for others. i'm someone that'll go through others' hell as company, support, or whatever they need. so it saddens me. it saddens me that you question my feelings and who i am as a person. it saddens me that you question how much you mean to me. it saddens me that you question my love. i've been in hell for a long time. i've been fighting for you for a long ass time. even after we broke up i continued fighting. so it saddens me. i think it hits extra hard for me because of the fear of being used and thrown away that i've had for awhile. like the love for me is always conditional. that's the way that i feel at least. it might not be right, but that's how i feel.
well, we dropped off the letter, birthday gift, and ring. i wonder how she'll take it. i wonder if she'll be mad.. but i don't want to live with regrets anymore, so i'm going to voice my feelings. i'm going to be true to myself.. i'm going to face myself. i bought the birthday gift awhile ago. the ring may have been a mistake, but you know what? i do have your wish. so it is a fair trade.. that's the last time i'll reach out for awhile. i'll give you the space that you need. just know that i'm serious. i've really thought seriously about everything, about my feelings, about us, about myself, about you. my feelings aren't just coming from nowhere, because for me this is all i've thought about for the past year or two. i'm serious about you. i'm serious about living here. i'm serious about marriage. i'm serious about all of it. i'm going to see about getting an ltr visa here in thailand and getting a little condo in bangkok. i'll do that whether i'm with you or not really. but it'd be better if i were with you. just know that my feelings and thoughts are not just some spur of the moment loving the idea of you stuff. my feelings and thoughts are core to who i am. you know i don't do things without really thinking them through. you of all people should know this. so just know, i love you and i'm serious about making things work between us and having a healthy relationship with you.
april 16, 2025
i've been looking at the thai ltr visa. how silly is that? i think i want to pursue it regardless. i'm definitely traveling a lot more. i think the hardest part would be getting my company to let me work there part time. i'd have to get a signed letter from them for my application. i'm going to talk to my boss about it and see how i could proceed. it's not like i go into the office anyway. i guess we'll see what happens
april 15, 2025
sometimes i hate my thoughts. i hate being in my head so much. i hate the fakeness of this world. i hate so much. but it's just my frustrations. i have a lot of frustrations it seems. i'll always choose to believe in this world though. i'll always try my best to be kind to those i interact with. i'll always try my best. sometimes i wonder if trying my best is enough. i don't think it always is. trying my best is always subjective. it's trying with all that i have. sometimes i don't have anything. sometimes i have a lot. am i still trying my best when i have nothing? people don't always take it that way. that's fair though cause i don't always take it that way. i feel that i have so many downfalls. so many things that i need to work on. i'm trying my best. i wonder if it'll be enough today.
april 14, 2025
april 13, 2025
do you question yourself about us at all? i know you've said you wish things were different between us. i know you've longed for us in the past. the recent past. is that all gone? i'm grasping here, but if you have a sliver of hope for us i hope you'll see me. i hope you'll talk to me again to see what we could be. idk. the grasp continues.. jesus
part of me wishes we talked about everything. not part of me.. all of me. i wish we talked about us. i wish i came to you with my problems. talked to you about my problems. i wish you came to me and talked about your feelings regarding me. i know you said you felt like you couldn't call. i wanted you to call every time you felt like calling. i should've called more, but my mind was really clouded. i know yours was too though.. idk. regardless, i want to talk with you. i want to talk about everything. i really just want to talk again. it's not so simple as i didn't love you. things are never so simple. well, maybe some things. but not us. truly not us
of course i want to win her back though. not a day goes by that i wish i didn't do things differently. i've been kicking myself, tearing myself apart, for over a year now about things. not a day goes by that i haven't thought about you. i've never, truly never, cried so much in my life. and i don't fucking cry. i've turned into a wheepy mess this past year. longer. you question my love for you. i think that's valid. it is valid. but i want to make things better. i want to embrace you. i want to prove to you that i'm not that man towards the end of our relationship. i've never, never, acted this way in the past. i've never tried to grasp at something like i'm grasping for our love. you really changed a huge part of me. i wish i could go back and change my actions. i wish i could go back and redo things. i truly do. i am doing so now. i am changing my actions now. i've said it before and i'll say it again, my resolve is strong. i usually don't go all in on things. i usually give myself an out. i play on the fence. i protect myself. i've never been so all in on something in my life. i hope to be able to prove myself to you. i hope that you'll believe in me, in us, again. of course those are my hopes. that doesn't change what i said at the end of april 12th. i'm still doing this to prove to myself that i will change. that i am changing back into who i was. i was going to go to japan this spring. i really wanted to, but i was scared. i mean, solo travel for the first time is kinda scary. i delayed buying the ticket. delayed and delayed and thought to myself "i can do this next year". well, here i am. across the world. you sparked something in me a long time ago. you mean the whole world to me no matter how much you question me. look at me, still trying to fight.. still trying to bare my soul after feeling so defeated. it's still me. it's still how i feel, but it's different.
april 12, 2025
i'm embarrassed. a lot of my thoughts and actions have come from myself. not really thinking about others. just my thoughts. i'm embarrassed. i went crazy a bit, didn't i? i think part of me wants to believe in something again. i do believe in things again. i believe in people. i believe in the world. i believe in love. i fear i finally got that back after many years of it deteriorating within me. i felt my cup empty. but i think i put that on myself a lot. i reacted to the pain i had felt which kind of corrupted me a bit. i started thinking about myself and how others affected me more. i don't think that's fully wrong, but i made the mistake of misplacing my values. i focused on not wanting to be hurt anymore rather than believing in others.. rather than helping others. i'm embarrassed of my actions this past month or so. pushing my thoughts and feelings on others. not having a dialogue. not respecting others' wants. i think a lot of things pushed me to that: realizing how misguided i've been, wanting to believe in love and people again, fearing never being close to the person dearest to me again, among other things. but i'm human. i make mistakes. i act out of emotion. i'm irrational. i'm trying my best. i don't want to push anymore. i hate that i did. i'm embarrassed that i did. i should've gone about things vastly different if i wanted to open up. i can't change what i did.. lord knows i wish i could. i'm still going to thailand. that much isn't changing. not so i can win her back though. rather, i think i'm going to prove to myself that i'm willing to put myself out there for what i value. that i'm putting effort into the people and things that i hold dear. i know i'm not going to see her, but that's okay. i'm trying to prove to myself that i'm living for the right things. that i'm living for others. that i'm putting effort into others rather than taking inaction. rather than letting life pass me by. i've started living for others a lot more. doing little things as giving higher tips, giving money to the unhoused people when i can, giving my clothing and other goods to different missions, donating money to causes i believe in (free palestine), being there for my friends in need, being there for people in general, reaching out to loved ones staying on the phone for hours, visiting loved ones (i pushed ian to reach out to his aunt and uncle so we could start doing monthly dinners with them and more family).. i feel as if i've found my purpose i once lost. i feel as if i've found myself again. i'm deeply embarrassed about my actions, you have no idea. i'm deeply embarrassed about the past month, but more so the past few years. i'm disappointed in myself. but i'm here trying my hardest to live for others. to live for my loved ones.
sometimes i wonder why i am the way that i am. not sometimes. all the time. i try to be perfect.. act perfect.. react perfect. i shut down. i try to put emphasis on words and actions. i try to be forgiving and understanding, i've been told to a fault. i'll never cut anyone out of my life unless there is some serious malicious intent. i'm someone who tries to struggle with others, a lot often times to my own detriment. i try to be these things. they are what i strive for. i lose myself at times though. i wonder why i turned out this way. it always comes from childhood, right? i know i keep myself closed off quite a bit. like i'm open with talking about things but it's almost from an "objective" place. or like a third party. almost like trying to disassociate. i always let my feelings out when i'm alone. when my dad passed i cried alone. when deens broke up with me i cried alone. when i got cheated on years ago i cried alone. when boston happened i dealt with being traumatized alone. that whole night still lives in my head. i remember every aspect of what happened. how scary it was. when people affect me i feel my feelings alone and let things slide. it's not that big of a deal is something i say often. even family members and close friends don't really know what's going on in my life. like they do and i confide in some people, but it's not about everything. it's when i feel like i need to. like i tear myself apart about things and get to a point where i need to talk to someone. i know i need to do that more often and i've been doing so the past year or two. really trying to open up. one thing i was doing was writing in a journal and letting certain people read my thoughts. it's probably inspiration for this. i try to be intentional with my words and actions. i try to not promise things that i'm not going to follow through with. it's very rare that i say or do things that carry weight. things like "i love you" or confiding in someone about my thoughts and feelings. it's not something i do often at all. i really try to be intentional with what i say and do. i think that comes from my childhood as well. the disappointment that i've incurred. the over promising from others. i've felt left behind in my life quite a bit. i've felt betrayed quite a bit. i think i try to analyze things a bit too much. i think i get in my head and feelings too much. i think i forgive people too easy and let things go just for the same things to happen again. i think i deal with things that affect me for far too long. so i'm trying to be more forthcoming with my feelings which is hard because my feelings have been disregarded and undercut a lot. it hurts. so i close up again. i deal with things on my own. i suffer and struggle alone. but i don't want to continue doing that. hence the effort i've been putting in to let others into my mind.
april 11, 2025
i know you said you weren't going to see me. i know.. i'm pushing kinda hard. i know that you are strong in your convictions. i know you made a decision. it makes me so fucking sad. can we not just talk? can i not apologize to you? will it be too hard for you? i guess i don't fully understand.. maybe i don't want to understand. it makes me so incredibly sad. i want to try. i want to fight. i have for a long time. will you not give it a chance? is it not worth it to you? worth fighting? i don't know. sad thoughts.. i'm defeated
i fly out tomorrow. part of me is nervous, but those nerves have calmed. i was nervous about being in thailand alone. how to function there. but that's all gone now. part of me is hopeful. i'm always hopeful. it's part of who i am. but i'm hopeful in deens. in our love. idk. i don't think feelings like that can just disappear. i tried to move on myself. i tried to ease the pain. to ease the heartbreak. but i couldn't. i've accepted that she's the one for me. the only one really. i've accepted that my feelings will never just go away no matter how much i try to focus on other things. so i'm trying to face myself. i've thought long and hard about what i want and here i am trying my heart out. i'm trying my hardest. i'm scared of being rejected. i'm scared that she won't see me. i'm scared that her feelings for me just disappeared. i'm scared that she lost faith in me. i'm scared that she lost faith in our love. but i'm hopeful because i've seen her thoughts. her wishing things were different. her missing what we were. so i'm hopeful that things can change. that i can face her with all of me. that maybe we can fight together. but i don't know. the uncertainty kills me. i think i'll feel better when i'm on my way. being closer to my home.. her. i think it'll warm my heart. maybe temporarily. hopefully permanently. i'm worried though. i'm worried she hates me now. i'm just so worried. and we cry. and it hurts. my heart sinks. it's sunken so much that it feels like a solid cube of tungsten. it feels like it's in my stomach. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i don't want to just cut my feelings off. i'm trying to face them. i'm trying my hardest. i'll continue trying my hardest. it felt like i was going to die when she said "why don't i just hit the block button". i know it's about me. i wanted to die. it hurt so fucking much. yet here i am.. still trying my hardest. still kicking and screaming until you awknowledge me. until we have a heart to heart. until i can apologize to you profusely. i'll continue trying my hardest. my heart feels like it's going to explode
i still have a coupon for 10 kisses with no expiration date. i'm grasping here, but i'd like to cash that in. a coupon for 3 full laundry sessions (i don't care about cashing this one in as much). a coupon for the left side of the bed. 3 movies of my choosing. a trip to the gym with you. 1 sushi date (on you). but let's make it on me. a trip to taco bell.. among other things. would you still let me cash them in? "they say if a writer falls in love with you, you'll live forever in their words. so... here's to forever.".
"hardly a wonderful life without you dev even though i'm trying my best. i try not to think about us tbh because it makes me feel restless and uneasy. like it still hurts and i don't like it". i guess i wonder if this has changed. i've felt similar to you. very much so. thinking about us, about you, about everything brings me so much pain.. i want to change how we were. i want to visit you often. i want you to visit me. i want to spend holidays together. you said you don't want to do long distance anymore. i don't either. i want you by my side. even if we have to figure it out for months, i will visit you and stay for as long as i can and i hope that you would visit me when you can as well. i want to try. i want to fight for you. i want to apologize properly. i want to call you every morning and night. i want to text all day every day. i want to visit you every month until we figure something better out whether it's you being able to visit me too, me moving there, you moving here, anything. i want to have the love we once had, still have, but stronger, more open, more effort, more everything. i want to live life with you because life is hardly wonderful without you, Deens, even though i've been trying my best.
april 10, 2025
i think part of my feelings is i look back at our conversations and how we've been the past year, recently even, and am extremely hurt. like you're trying to forget about me. when you say you don't harbor any feelings towards me, it hurts. idk. i'd do anything for you. i love you with my whole heart. i start questioning everything. do you not feel anything you've said to me? idk. i'm lost. i've been hurting. i've been in pain. i've been depressed. angry. all of it for a long time. i've missed you so much. i've wished i could hold you close again. i've wished i could kiss you. caress you. love you. i miss you so fucking much. i feel as if i've been saying this the past year. "i wish i could cuddle with you". "i would hold you tight forever". "your sucha cutie". "i miss kissing you". "i miss you". the phone calls for hours. you falling asleep on the phone with me. me listening to you sleep.. etc. all of that replacing "i love you" because we weren't saying that anymore.. i wanted to say i love you every time we talked. i wanted to be with you. i tried to visit you last spring, but you told me no. you said you couldn't handle it. i wanted you, Deens. i'm saying all of this now because i feel like i've been holding back saying it all since you said we weren't saying i love you anymore. since you broke up with me. to me it's not out of nowhere. to me this has always been a constant
i've been wondering "why now". really thinking about it. i think it comes down to, i just don't want to live life without you anymore. it's as simple as that. not that i wanted to live life without you before. that's not it at all. i've been so caught up in my feelings. so caught up in everything that i got lost. i got angry. i got depressed. really fucking depressed. my thoughts the past 3 years, well forever, have been like this post. more so. maybe i'm just good at hiding it the shit show that is my brain. i don't want to live without you anymore. you used to say how easy it was to love me. i don't think it's easy to love me at all. i think it may be easy to love me at the surface. i try to be there for others. i try to support people where i can. i try to admit my faults. i try to be gentle. i try to be as accepting and inclusive as possible. i really try my hardest. but underneath is kind of a shit show. can you see that? so many wild thoughts. i think it's really ugly some of the things i think. i've always found myself to be ugly. i try really hard though. i really fucking do. i wonder how you see me now. do you find me ugly? do you hate me? what a nightmare. truly.. what have i done?
i hate reading all of this back tbh. i hate how arrogant i come across. i wonder about you because i don't know about your life anymore and it saddens me. i try to reason my way to what you may feel which is wrong. "did i spark something in you?".. i hate that. yeah, i probably did by making you angry at me. by rehashing old things we've talked about. disgusting. why though? did i just want to spark something in you? i don't know. i think i'm trying too hard. too hard where i have no right. i'm not that close with you anymore. it saddens me. but i don't want you to fall into the trap of being numb. i think you are beautiful because of how much you feel. how much you care. you've lived life more than anyone i know. you're an incredibly strong human for facing life so honestly. so head on. i envy that. i wonder about you a lot. i don't mean to make you angry. i think i'm just angry and sad myself. angry with my actions. angry about how things turned out. angry with how things were. i'm sad. i know you've worked incredibly hard to build relationships, your career, your family life. i know you've been working incredibly hard, deens. going down the path you can. i know you still deal with a lot and i'm just adding onto that.. i'm deeply sorry. i wonder about your thoughts.. what's going through your mind. how you feel about things. i wonder about your life. i wish i was closer to you. i wish things didn't end the way they did. i wish we continued talking like we used to. i wish a lot of things. i'm sorry for a lot of things. right not, i'm really sorry for affecting you so negatively. i don't want to force you back to where you were.. rather, i wish i could support you with where you are. with whatever you're going through. but i know there's no space for me anymore. i'm sorry for being so arrogant. for assuming your feelings. for asking such provocative questions. of course you think about all of the stuff i've talked about. of course.
you seem happy in thailand. it seems like you've really found your home. those words may hurt. i'm not really sure anymore. i wonder if your heart is happy. i wonder if you're happy deep down with where you are. i really hope you are. i know it's still incredibly difficult. i wonder what's difficult though. i'm not sure anymore. on face value it seems like you're thriving though. like you're truly happy. so i'm really happy for you. like you have your own little community. i know you've been working incredibly hard to be okay. i'm happy that your life is moving in some kind of way. i watch your life from the outside and see how strong you are. i'm incredibly proud of you for trying so hard. it makes me sad though. incredibly so.
i haven't written much. it's not from lack of thoughts. mainly from not wanting to hurt those i love. maybe that's wrong though.. idk
"skytrain stranger". i recognize this story. every word of it. did you tell me about it? did you write about it before? did that happen last year? two years ago? i feel as if it were last year. maybe i'm wrong. but i feel in my deepest of hearts i've heard it before from you
april 9, 2025
i don't expect to see you and i'm scared to reach out. i'm scared. i don't want to cause you anymore pain. but i guess i don't want to just lie down and accept fate without fighting. without struggling. you'll never know how sorry i am for that. how much it pains me. i fly into bkk on april 14th at 12pm. i'm staying at synsiri resort. i guess, if you read this i'll be there. i'll be hoping. waiting. i'll be ready to apologize to you. to return your wish if that's what you'd like. of course i could never see you as just a friend. i'll be hoping, but i'll be ready to face reality. i hope we can talk. i hope i can hug you. i hope that i can work to build your trust again. i hope that you'll see me. but if not, i guess i'll be ready to take a backseat. i'll be ready to stop impacting you. i'll be ready to keep my thoughts and emotions about you to myself. to stuff everything down. maybe one day we could be friends or just talk like normal. of course i still want you in my life. after all this i doubt you'd want that though. i don't want to cause you anymore pain. i really don't. this stupid boy will go away. this stupid, insignificant boy won't mess with your headspace anymore. but i'll always love you. i'll always be hopeful for you, for us.. and i'll always be waiting.
i don't know what's going to happen. i don't know what i thought was going to happen. the only thing i can imagine now is that we never talk nor see each other again. good job, dev. really went out with a bang i guess. so desperate. so very stupid. what'd i think would happen? i guess i wanted to believe in something again. i love you. is it okay for me to express my thoughts and feelings like this? i don't know anymore. i don't think it is. it pains me so much. how delusional have i gotten? i feel like i'm throwing a tantrum. just kicking and screaming my heart out. i hate that i impact you the way that i do. what did i expect? i guess i finally realized a lot about myself. is this my fate? a life full of regrets? neglecting myself? keeping myself buried? i don't know. if you do read my writing, i am terribly sorry.. i shouldn't have opened up. i shouldn't have expressed my feelings. i have no right to. i think life is better for those around me if i suppress myself like i always have. life is better for those around me if i keep people at arms length. what'd i think was going to happen? what'd i really think? so utterly silly of me. i'm a mess. you're doing better and here i am. just causing pain in this world. in your world. you'd be better off blocking me tbh. i don't want you to. i've thought about deleting everything here. i've thought about putting all of my thoughts back in my private little vault. isolated. mysterious. i don't think the world is a better place with me here. i think i failed at the one thing i wanted to do in this life. "make a positive impact on those that i can no matter how big or small". such an utter disappointment i am. i always have been. since childhood. giving up the limelight for those around me. my dad shaking his head at me in disapproval. that moment lives in my mind. such an utter disappointment. maybe one day, if you're not strong enough to cut me out of your life, i'll do it for you. am i coming across harsh? am i coming across as arrogant? egotistical? i feel as if i'm not qualified to protect the things that are dear to others. i'm sorry for my incompetence. for being disappointing. i'm trying my hardest here. what a joke. if you read my writing i am terribly sorry. my heart hurts. i have a headache from crying. my body is shaking. i hope you can find peace. i hope one day i don't impact you at all. i'll try to not cause waves anymore. i'll try to not lash out. i hope with all of my heart you live a happy and peaceful life. i know you're working hard for it. i'll be cheering for you.
i'm scared. so desperately scared
what am i doing? god i hate myself. what am i doing? why? how could i? i'm trying. i'm trying my hardest. i'm trying my hardest to face myself. i'm trying my hardest to respect you. i'm trying my hardest. what am i doing? maybe it's easier being numb. it is. my heart hurts. my body is still shaking. i started crying at 3am. i'm still crying. it's 7. i can't go back to sleep. i'm shaking wondering to myself what the fuck i'm doing. i never know what's right or wrong. i never do. i'm just trying my hardest. trying my hardest to be honest with myself. trying my hardest to not be numb. trying my hardest to face things. i'm sorry. desperately so. i hate this. maybe not everything is truly beautiful. god i hate myself. i hate the impact i have on people. i hate my thoughts. i hate my emotions. i hate it all. what a stupid stupid human. a weird back and forth i'm having. i don't know what to do. i never do. i feel so broken. i'm so tired. i despise myself.
maybe i should stop.. what the fuck am i doing? i hate causing you so much pain. i really fucking do. i'm so fucking sorry. i'd really deserve to be cut off. to be cut out. idk what i'm doing. idk why i have to cause you so much pain.. i'm so fucking sorry. i'll try to stop
april 8, 2025
i must've really thrown a curveball in your new year. i'm sorry for that. i hope you're being more honest with yourself. i'm trying to be more honest with myself. i'm sorry for the pain. i'm sorry for being so selfish. but i've come to that resolution. bare with me for awhile longer, will ya? the selfishness isn't going to end just yet. it will soon though. seems as if i'm really throwing you for a loop. i'm sorry it took me so long. better late than never, yeah? i wish i would've torn you away a long time ago. but here i am. i'd never leave you behind. i'd never forget you. i couldn't. you're too precious to this world. to my world. so here i am. fighting. i'll always be fighting for you. always. but i question myself. i always question myself. is this something that you'd want? is this truly for you? i don't really know. i don't think so, but i do at the same time. but it's for me too. it'd be silly of me to say that it's just for you. but i do want to be there for you. i want to support you in any manner i can. maybe i'm just justifying my actions? my selfish actions.. i don't know. i guess we'll see here soon. but know, even if you deny me, i'll forever be fighting for you. i'll forever be cheering you on. whether i'm in that picture or not. i'll be there.
you're writing more. did i spark something in you? i did didn't i? do you hate that i did? do you hate these feelings? do you hate me for it? i hate myself for it. i wonder if i'm right. i can already see you not wanting to admit it. nobody wants to admit when i'm right. i'm such a sore winner. so annoying. i hope i'm right. the truth is.. sometimes i have no idea that i'm right. no idea what i'm talking about.. confidence goes a long ways, eh? i'm full of shit a lot of the times. i'm not some ironclad being that knows everything, is good at everything, etc etc etc. i struggle so hard to be good at things. i struggle so hard to know things. to learn. i struggle. and what a painful struggle it's been. what a painful struggle it is. that's the part of me people don't see often at all. i hate being bad at things. i hate not knowing things. people don't really see the struggle. but i'm here. fighting for my life. struggling down the path that i'm walking. not really a path. more of a swamp. slowly drowning. gaining my footing. and drowning again. i don't struggle solely to know things. solely to be good at things. no. i've struggle my whole life. i've struggle to survive. i fought for food. i got into fights growing up. i was bullied. i used to bring weapons to middle school. wrenched. tasers. etc. i was scared. my home was dysfunctional. abusive. i hate admitting that. i truly do. struggle. that's been my whole life. many times i've held a knife to my throat. many times i've thought about hanging myself. one time i've held a loaded gun to my head. many times i've thought about overdosing. many times i've thought about driving full speed into a tree. poor tree. why would i do that to you? many times i've been so close to death. toeing that line. i remember the first time i almost died. the first time i thought "damn, that was close". struggle. here we are. just struggling to survive.
i wonder if i'll get to see you. i wonder how i'll feel if i don't. i'll probably be incredibly sad. it's been 2.5 years. of course i miss you. desperately so. i have for a long time now. i'll still have hope though. i'll never lose hope in you. in us. i never will. no matter how much you push me away. no matter how sad i get. no matter what. i'll never lose hope in you. like i've said.. you have my heart. my soul. my being. soulmates. what a funny concept. what silly thoughts i've had on it in the past. so skeptical. so logical. humans are so illogical though. clinging onto logic for some semblance of control. silly. embrace the irrational. embrace being human. i've been so distrusting. distrusting of others. distrusting of loved ones. distrusting of love. distrusting of myself. so irrational. i tried to control those things with "logic". logic is truly silly. even "logical" things aren't completely logical. math. the sciences. everything that people chalk up to be "set in stone". how silly.. do you remember our conversation about math and how fun it is? about time and space? about how irrational it actually was? how there were multiple ways to do the same thing? how doing the same equation could result in different answers? oh how i love the irrational. how i love chaos. control, huh? so silly of me to fall into that trap. so very silly
i want to say that i'll let you feel numb for a little while longer. i'm flying to you on the 14th. is 6 days long enough? i guess it's 5 actually. will you come see me? do you even want to see me? i know you do. deep down. you're writhing inside. i know it. not wanting to see me because of the pain, but desperately wanting to see me. tell me if i'm wrong. i don't think i am. i know you well enough. was it a shock to you? did you think we'd never get the opportunity to see each other again?
i was always someone who found beauty in everything. i lost the "in everything" part. i still found beauty in most things, but i started picking and choosing. my ego was getting too big. my world became more important. my comfort. when asked what my favorite season is i always say "i love them all". there's something beautiful in all of them. spring and all of the flowers. life blossoming. summer and the clear hot days. time moving quickly yet slowly. long beautiful days. fall and the crisp witchy vibes. life journeying towards death. winter and the peaceful, barren death. time moves slowly. days are darker. can you guess my favorite season? i definitely can't. beauty in everything. beauty in the pain of my life. beauty in my dad passing. i've never felt closer to my siblings. my sister and i wrote his obituary at 2am after getting high off edibles. making dark jokes about how to write the stupid thing. i've never been so close to my sister before. we've never had one on one time like that where we're able to say everything to each other. laughing. crying. so many dark jokes. me being numb for so long. how is there beauty in that? i struggled for so long. i coped. i survived. i tried my hardest. i went numb. i wasn't fully numb. i felt things. i reacted. how ugly. how beautiful that i got to experience those things. that i was able to care about things so much that they made me numb. that they made me struggle so hard. that they caused so much pain. life is truly painful. life is truly sad. life is truly beautiful.
i guess i finally realized.. i'd rather live a hard painful life.. a hard painful life with you, than to not live at all. how sad it was for me to just float through life. how sad. not being able to make a decision. being thrust into things i didn't want to be in. no control over my destiny.. over my fate. i chalk things up to fate a lot. it's how i cope. it must be fate. if i die today then it is fate. if we don't work it must be fate. fate will bring us back together. fate.. fate.. fate. it must be fate that i am here now, feeling the things i'm feelings. it must be fate that i am opening up like this to you. it must be fate that i am saying these things now. it must be fate that i want to save you. it must be fate that i need to see you. do you believe in fate? can you believe in me ever again? i hope you can. i'm finally believing in myself. i think you did that. you did do that. you came in my life and changed everything. changed me fundamentally. changed my perception. made me believe in myself. hopefully i can return the favor. i hope you're ready. i hope you'll accept.
i chose numbness for so long. but what's more painful than numbness? what's more painful than denying one's self? it only breeds regret. it only breeds more pain. what a sad dull life i lived when i chose to be numb. can one truly become numb? i guess sometimes. i was numb at times. not the whole time. but at times. i know this because things would trigger me. i'd have all these thoughts. the pain was there. i said i was numb, and i was, but i was never completely numb. the pain lingers. the pain sits in one's heart. the pain never truly goes away. i learned that from my dad. i learned that from you. it never truly does go away. now i hold onto regrets. i hold onto regrets regarding my dad. i hold onto regrets regarding you. wishing that i could've done something different. wishing.. but i move forward. it may seem like i'm stuck in the past, but i'm not truly stuck there. even the past has relevance toward the future. how silly is it of people to berate one for "living in the past". like denying one's feelings. like denying history. i've been told "you have no reason to be sad. it's in the past. it happened. there's no reason.". i'm not someone who believes that things are isolated. i believe that everything is connected. the butterfly effect, right? one thing leads to another, makes someone feel this way which leads to them acting this way, etc. i've been told that the past is in the past, yet when it comes to their past i have to be gentle. i have to validate. i choose to because of my beliefs. yet a double standard gets put on me. why can't i be sad? why can't i feel my feelings? things i've said many times in the past. why are you frustrated at my feelings? at my thoughts? why can't i just be sad? because you don't want me to be? how truly selfish. i'm not a problem to be solved. why do i have to be perfect? how do i even have conversations like that with people? why have i opened up to people like that? my feelings denied. i have no reason to feel a certain way.. well, i'm feeling that way. i'm rambling.
this truly just became my thoughts about you. maybe a little about myself. well, all i ever think about is you. i guess sometimes i think about my interactions with others. it used to be a lot more but others aren't really hurting me anymore. they're all living their own lives. i wish i could've lived my own life. i could have but i let the pain control me. how silly.
i had a dream about you last night. i dream about you often. so very often. this dream was sad.
are you trying to forget? forget who you were? forget who you are? forget your feelings? are you faking it? are you trying to become this corpo person you always pictures yourself as? remember how you used to say you were corpo and i'd respond, "you're definitely not corpo. you don't have the heart for it". maybe i was wrong. i don't think i was wrong. i don't think i am wrong. do you truly have the heart for it? do you yearn to be corporate or are you simply masquerading. i think the latter. i hate that you suppress yourself. i thought you loved love. i thought you loved people's stories. i thought you wanted to be a journalist. someone who asks questions. someone who makes their voice heard. someone who makes others' voices heard. but more importantly someone who loves. have you forgotten? i know you haven't. have you become so numb to that idea? i feel the corporate front from you. i feel the journalist seeping out though. like you're so defeated. i see the front. i see you. i always have seen you. i wonder if you'll be stubborn. i wonder if you'll hear me out. i wonder what you'll do. it's all my fault really. i couldn't save you. i couldn't even save myself. just so weak. well here i am. trying to save the human i love. you don't need saving. you never have. you're strong enough on your own. that much is obvious. i've always said how strong you were. i want to save you. i want to make sure you know you're not alone. that you have someone to talk to. that you don't have to deal with the politics, the things that go against your values, alone. i see you. you're not very good at lying. you're not very good at hiding. i see you. i see you for all that you are. do you feel that? do you feel the words that i'm writing? how do my words make you feel? i can already see how you'd react.. so frustrated. so hurt. crying at times. wanting to scream at times. warmth at times. reminiscing. sad. i see the turmoil in you. writhing inside. i know my words affect you. i know i affect you. i know that you're not this cool cucumber you're masquerading as. i know you don't even want to be that corpo person. maybe you do so that life doesn't hurt so bad anymore. but it's not truly what you want. how do i make you feel? how are my words to you? i hope one day i'll find out.
my heart hurts. it physically hurts. i feel like i'm withering away. i feel as if i'm failing so gracelessly. like a kid throwing a tantrum. my unrefined thoughts spewing out. how silly. but i'm not calculated. i'm not. i've tried to be. but i just simply am not. my feelings come out. my thoughts come out. it's desperate. it's ugly. i'm truly ugly on the inside. how did i get to this point? i know how. what a sad life. what a sad future. everything i didn't want to be. everything i was primed to be. i miss my dad. i miss the guidance he gave me. i miss being able to rely on someone. i miss his love. i miss his phone calls. i miss his voice. i miss his hand writing. all caps like the gen x'er he was. oh how i miss him.
april 7, 2025
i wrote a poem tonight. i used the phrase "i lie here restless".. could you guess what i wrote first? how i used to always say lay instead. how you used to always correct me. i miss you
i really am the worst person. i wish i thought about others more. in a better manner. why is it always "i want"? i want to be heard. i want to be understood. i want this. i want that. why can't i do things for others? do i do things for others? i don't know.. i really am the worst kind of person, aren't i? so greedy. so selfish. i hope not to be one day. i hope i'm not today. i don't know what to think anymore. i don't know if i've made any progress from 8 years ago. so lost.
i think i may die if someone reads this. but i think this is my attempt to try to open up. to try to not be so mysterious. everyone says i am. the constant in my life is people wondering what's happening in my head. wondering where i am. wondering how i'm feeling. second guessing me. here i am trying. do things make more sense? does my mind make more sense? can you see my turbulent world? do you see the shaky ground i walk on? i may die after all. how embarrassing. i fear that i won't be accepted if people truly know my thoughts. i fear that i'll be cast to the side. will you accept me? even though my thoughts, my being, is so utterly ugly? so much fear in my life. i don't want fear to guide my life anymore. man it's so hard though. i've always been someone who plays it safe. i don't take chances. i make sure i have a job before quitting one. i make sure i have money to last me. i make sure i live frugally. i make sure i am safe before anything else. i calculate risk to myself. i don't want to live out of fear. what a nightmare. i think i may die after all. will you accept me? accept me for who i truly am? accept me after baring my soul to you? i think if you did i'd die too. i'd die of relief. i'd die of joy. i'd die such a beautifully tragic death. i can see it now. my body becomes weak. i breakdown weeping. it's too much for my heart. bam familial heart disease. instakill. i think the same would happen if i wan't accepted too. how tragic. maybe i'm just dramatic. i am a drama queen that's for sure. i've been trying not to be. hiding myself. i fear that people don't truly like who i am. so many fears. again, what a nightmare.
do you think about me? i wonder if you're questioning yourself. i wonder if you've thought about me coming to see you. i wonder. i wonder if you're going to stick to your letter. i wonder if you're not going to see me. i wonder if you're going to let it pass by. i hope i see you. i want to reach out to you every day. not knowing what your thoughts are, your struggles, your feelings.. it kills me. i hope to see you. i'm staying at a place near you. i remember when you first went back i could see where your house was. i remember mentioning that you lived right down the street from a fastfood place. i remember your house being "u" shaped with a pool and solar panels. i forgot where you lived. i new the area, but i forgot. i didn't want to forget. i weirdly clung to that. i wanted to remember. i thought you lived by a pizza hut for some reason, but i was wrong. i was clinging to that. is that weird? i finally remembered where. for a long time i thought it was north east bangchan. i was wrong. so terribly wrong. at times i panicked. i panicked because i couldn't remember. how silly. it is weird. why do i cling to things like that. for months and months and months and months i clung to it. i panicked that i didn't know that aspect of your life. incredibly silly. i hope to see you. i hope i can apologize to you properly. i have so many selfish hopes. it doesn't end at apologizing at all. i don't want to say. i really don't. i don't want to come across as selfish. i don't want to express purely my wants. it's not just about me. what i want doesn't matter. i don't matter. how purely selfish of me. is it so wrong to have wants? is it so wrong to be selfish at times? i feel like i've always thought it was. not for others though. just for myself. i have to do right by others. i have to be selfless. well.. here i am. as selfish as ever. reaching out and trying to grasp at my wants. hurting you. here i am. it pains me, but i don't want to regret anymore. i don't want to be passive. here i am. god my mind is so ugly. my soul is so weak. my heart is so shallow. don't you think so? how utterly embarrassing it is to be me.
you used to say that you always thought about me when you get sick. it's the same here. remember when we were sick together? i think we had covid. no. i had covid and somehow you were okay. remember how i wanted dp? that memory is so vivid to me. remember how you used to call me to fall asleep? how you'd fall asleep so easily? how you loved just hearing me live? i miss all of that more than you know . i miss hearing you live. i miss hearing you sleep. i miss being sick together. i wish things were different than they are now. i loved all of those same things that you did.
i think about you all the time. every day. all day. i wonder about you. i wonder how your day way. i wonder how your work is. i wonder what you do. i wonder what you think. i wonder what goes through your mind when you do things. when you see certain things. i wonder what you've been thinking about after i read your writing. i wonder if you think about me. wonder about me. i wonder if your writing is related to me. do you think about me? how do you feel about me? what do you think about? i have so many questions. i know that if i had the opportunity to ask any of them they'd all scatter away though. but alas, i wonder. i wish i could experience your thoughts. experience your pain. experience your emotions. how i wish. it's silly how much i think about you. i look out of my window, up at the sky, and i wonder where you are. what the sky looks like above you. i wonder about your heartbeat in the moment. your thoughts. your breath. your emotions. i wonder what you're going through while i type this. i feel comfort in the sky because i know that the same sky is above you. it makes me feel close to you. is that weird? is that silly? what does the sky look like right now to you? is the sun rising? are you sleeping hard in bed? were you not able to sleep? are you on your phone? i'm sitting at my desk, listening to your lie in april music (specifically the 4th track in my 🌸your lie🌸playlist), while writing this. wrapped up in a blanket. constantly looking out of the window to the left of me. looking at all of the little knick knacks and gifts i've received that lay around me. the meanings behind them. how caught up am i?
how dumb of me to ask if people think similarly to me. if people question themselves like i do. of course they do.. right? i'm not some special being capable of more thought than others. again. arrogance. how arrogant of me.
what's prevented me from being the person i want to be? well, myself. that much is obvious. but i think it's my fear of being hurt. my fear of pain.
"what a strange feeling it is to still be breathing". truly what a strange feeling. how have i even made it this far? i convinced myself that i was going to die at 27. why did i do that? maybe i was hoping. i'm such a coward. hoping..
i'm so afraid to ever stop feeling my feelings again. i'm so afraid of losing myself. i'm so afraid of going numb. i'm so afraid of losing sight of what's important to me. i'm so afraid of being selfish. i'm so so afraid. i wonder how i even got to the point of losing myself. i think i know. i've deliberated on it so much. how do i prevent it? daily reminders? symbolic reminders? how does one not get lost? how does one prevent going through life half awake? how does one remember to truly live? i'd get so caught up in the tiny imperfections grasping at any little thing to control so that i felt like i had control over my life. little scratches on a remote. tiny imperfections with anything. so caught up in insignificant things in my life.. and for what? some semblance of control over my life? i was so unhappy. so sad. so depressed. so hurt. felt so betrayed. that i focused on these tiny little insignificant things. how silly. how truly stupid of me. i used to be good at that. good at focusing on what was important. good at letting things go. good at being forgiving. how did i fall so hard? how did i get so lost? little glimpses of my old self would always come through. always. but i'd still lost sight. almost like i had dementia and had moments of terminal lucidity. is this one of those times? i don't think so. i feel myself not being so caught up in the unimportant things in this world. i feel myself thinking about the universe rather than my universe. how small i truly am. how everything that i've ever wanted, ever done, ever experienced, doesn't truly matter. i'm so small. i used to say this a lot. that i'm insignificant. that i am so small in this universe but i care so much because the things in my life are my whole universe. my entire world. yet my entire world truly doesn't matter. it's the scope of things. maybe my ego got too big? i got too focused on my world that i lost sight of everything. i truly am someone who is destined to struggle through life. someone that dies over and over and over again just to build myself back up to experience more pain. am i a masochist? no. i couldn't be. i'm not the biggest fan of physical pain. but does it have to be physical? do i enjoy suffering? it's all i've ever known. maybe it just feels comfortable. i don't think i self-sabotage. maybe in some ways. maybe early on in life. but i've been trying to live an honest, forthright life for a long time now. for a long long time. i don't think i'm a bad person. sometimes i do. but it's not because i intentionally do bad things. i think i'm a bad person because i've hurt people. i don't like hurting people. i hate it so much. so much so that i'd rather sacrifice my mental sanity to support people. to give people what they want. but i've been a lot more honest on how things affect me and what my thoughts are. but when i do express my thoughts i feel like everyone misunderstands me. like i say one thing and they take it how they take it. am i bad at expressing my thoughts? am i bad at speaking? i question myself so much. i've expressed that my greatest pain is not being heard. in my family i was always the small voice. massive personalities. loud personalities. my voice always got lost. my voice was never heard. but when i am finally heard it still feels off. like i haven't truly been heard. i say one thing and someone how the conversation goes a complete different direction. i've found myself getting led down a conversation or a fight that i had no idea how i got to. i'm confused. i don't know what's going on. i don't know how we got here. what is going on. those are common phrases i've picked up over the years. not that i've picked up. rather phrases picked me up. i'm lost. i don't even know how we got here. "well you said this". what? no i didn't? i didn't say any of that. why do i feel so misunderstood? i know i'm the thing that's common. it must be a me problem. i must being doing something wrong. i'm at a loss though. maybe this is part of the reason why my default is shutting down.. getting space.. i'm exhausted of people getting mad at my thoughts even though they're not malicious, mean, anything. why do i have to defend my thoughts all the time? why do i have to defend myself? i feel like i have to be so careful at what i say. it's tiring. i'm exhausted. i'm exhausted of not being good enough. i'm exhausted of being myself.
i'm so heartbroken yet hopeful. i'm not entirely sure why. i'm heartbroken because of our conversations. because of how things are between us. how things played out. i'm beyond heartbroken. i'm heartbroken that i may not get to be a part of your life anymore. that i may not ever get to hear your voice again. see your face. feel your touch. laugh with you. cry with you. experience life with you. i'm so utterly heartbroken. it's been 2.5 years since i've seen you and i've been heartbroken since. there are so many reasons why i know that i love you. why i know that you are my soulmate. i've been thinking about it, killing myself over it, breaking and breaking, for a long long time now. my feelings still haven't changed. my heartbreak still hasn't subsided. my emotions run just as deep. my love runs so very deep. i guess i feel hopeful because i've been facing a lot of these emotions. i feel hopeful because my path feels clear. i'm resolute. not in everything, but in you. in my feelings. in my values. i know what i want to do. i know what i need to do. i guess that's why i feel hopeful yet so heartbroken. i wonder what my life will become. i wonder where i'll be. i wonder if i'll face life as a sad human with an incredible amount of regrets or if i'll be able to rectify myself. i'm trying so hard.
sometimes i catch myself. i catch myself thinking in such the wrong way. how do i know it's wrong? i catch myself being reactive to things when i've tried so incredibly hard not to be reactive. i wonder why i feel certain ways, why i act certain ways, especially when i'm hurt. i generally try to get space. i don't know how to ask for space. i don't want space. i do want space. i know how i want to feel. how i want to act. but my stupid self just can't always make that happen. it's like i know who i want to be but i can't always act in that manner. i want to be able to control every aspect of myself yet it's so impossible. then i battle with myself over it all the time.. validating my feelings yet invalidating them the next minute. "you've right. you have every reason to feel this way".. "i should be able to take it. i need to be able to handle this. i shouldn't feel this way."
april 6, 2025
welp. i'm also sick. being this sad. not eating. not drinking water. boy does it take a toll. my body feels weak. so so weak. if i could not experience these emotions. if i could not be so sad.. i would in a heartbeat. would i? i think so. i've yearned for peace in the past. maybe that's the past me saying that. i think i'd want to feel these emotions even if it killed me.. because they are truly beautiful. how silly to want to live a peaceful life. i want to struggle. i want to feel things so much that it breaks me. because i think that's what makes me actually feel alive. like i care about something so much that i'd let it tear my whole life apart as i struggle through. like i care about someone.. life does hurt. it hurts bad. i don't think i've ever cried like i did on march 28. maybe the only time was when my dad passed. two things in this world make me cry so uncontrollably stupid. make me tear up at the thought. make me so uncomfortable.. it always feels like my body and soul are being torn apart. how stupidly human. how beautifully human. how painfully human
writing my thoughts like this is probably one of the most uncomfortable things i've ever done. my whole thought process. what a nightmare. what a mess. i'm supposed to be this cool cucumber (that one was for you). this stable, rock solid guy that knows everything and has everything put together. i'm sorry for disappointing you. that's not me. well maybe kinda (ego?). what a weird human i am. bouncing back and forth between god complex and utter trash. let's be real. god complex is a front. it always has been. it must be. do i even know? i think so. because at the end of the day the most constant thing about myself is my utter hatred for myself. my hatred for the way that i act. my hatred for the way that i think. my hatred for being too emotional. my hatred for not being emotional enough. my hatred for not being able to see things clearly in the moment. my hatred for not being enough. my hatred for my own existence.
i cling to your writing. i cling because it feels like i'm touching you. i can imagine you writing these things. i can imagine the way you act. i can imagine your tears. i can imagine your emotions. it feels like i'm sitting there watching. i can feel you. i cling to your writing because it strikes a cord with me. i cling to your writing because i'm drawn to you. am i utterly hopeless? what's it even mean to be hopeless? maybe i am.
i haven't been eating a lot. i go through phases like this, at least i have the past year and a half, where i get so down to the point that i can't move. i can't do anything. i don't eat. i don't drink water. after weeks i can function somewhat again. i can actually eat some food. i can drink water. i can move. this time has been incredibly rough. 9 days of crying, laying in bed, not eating anything (mainly an apple or a banana), drinking minimal water, etc.. i've lost 15lbs in this 9 days so far. moving exhausts me. life exhausts me. i just get incredibly sad. feel an insane amount of pain that it cripples me.
the first thing i'd like to do as soon as i saw you is sprint up to you and squeeze you so tight. i'd never let go. i'd never want to. you mentioned not to long ago how you never wanted me to let you go. is that still the case? will you accept my embrace? maybe it's too late.. i hope not
my plants still haven't been watered...
i must be crazy though. i'm such an egotist.. like i'd know anything. but what if? what if everything i'm thinking is right? am i supposed to give up? if i loved someone would i ever just give up? would i let them go like that? i'm not sure. i guess in some cases i'd have to. but is this one of them? are the words your saying true? are you being honest? i can see the cracks in your words. in yourself. am i just telling myself that or do i actually see them? i think i really see them. i'd regret leaving things like that. i truly would.
i can't get your words out of my head. "i loved you a lot". "why now". "do you love me or the idea of me". "if you loved me let me go". i've thought so hard on everything you've said. i don't know.. maybe i'm crazy. maybe i'm coping. maybe i'm reading too into things. i have no idea. why would i let you continue to feel like you're not human? why would i continue to let you numb yourself? why would i continue to just watch you go down a path i know you don't want to go down? a path that's not you. a path that is like living someone else's life. a path that doesn't include your values. your dreams. your heart. maybe i'm not the answer to all of that. i'm definitely not the answer.. but i'd like to support you. maybe i don't have the right to. i'm at such a loss. you say "i'm not the girl you once knew".. but then yearn for the girl you once were. have you really changed so much? it feels like you took my advice in full. it feels like you're lying to yourself. it feels like you're protecting yourself. it feels like you're trying to stuff everything down to live a "normal" life. i've asked before and i'll ask again.. what do you want? what does your heart dream of? what do you want your life to look like? what do you truly want?
you said "maybe if our paths cross again" and "we have our whole lives ahead of us". my life, heart, has and will forever have a massive hole without you. it's felt like time stopped after you left. like my life suddenly went on autopilot.. i think to myself - "maybe now is when our paths are supposed to cross again". maybe this is my fate. this. you busted through my heart and mind when i first met you. you forced me to live. forced me to see the world in such a colorful way. you flipped my whole world upside down. it was you who made such an incredible impact on me. after you left, i lost myself.. i lost everything. now here we are. maybe it's my turn to bust the walls to your heart and mind down. maybe it's my turn to flip your whole world upside down. i won't ever give up on you. that's something i just can't do. you've always occupied my mind. you've always held my heart. you've always consumed my soul. that much truly won't change no matter how much i deny it. no matter how much you try to push me away. it won't change
my thoughts are crazy i feel. is it normal? i wonder if i'm too in my head all the time. i wonder if people think as much as i do. am i cursed? is this from my upbringing? my childhood? does everyone have thoughts like these? does everyone question themselves as much as i question myself? do you understand now? do you understand why i'm always in my own world? do you understand where i am when you look at me and see me drifting through space? not present. it's 9am. i've been in my thoughts since 5. so many different thoughts. this morning mainly about emotions. life. you. the different needs of people. watering plants (i need to water mine. i'm 6 days late. my poor plants..). how watering plants and caring for others is similar. how caring too much in the wrong way can lead to the plants death. caring too little in the right way. so delicate. and it's not always about life and emotions and memories and all of that. no. not always. but more often than not. sometimes when i get interested in something i dive into it. not sometimes. all the time. about math. about beer making. about golf. about books. about shows. about movies. about how speakers work. or sound. what radio waves are. light. the electromagnetic spectrum. perception of the world. there's a crazy video about perception using jumping spiders as an example. i'm rambling. i ramble.
i catch myself going back and editing my writing, my thoughts, a lot. in the post "i truly am the darkness to your light", i changed a major part. from "i'm your rock - your your despair - your life - your darkness" to "i'm your darkness". how presumptuous.. arrogant of me to call myself your life and your rock. how incredibly stupid. so we change. i change things, little things, throughout all of my writing. even this writing. i go back and change the wording, how it comes across.. sometimes i think to myself just how stupid i was to write those things. just how stupid i was to be so arrogant. just how stupid. i don't delete things though. i store them away. remember my greed? i want to remember. i want to remember everything. every little detail. i grasp onto things. i cling. i never want to forget. that's my biggest fear.. forgetting important things. forgetting important people. i can hardly remember what my dad sounds like. i can hardly remember what it feels like hugging him. i can hardly remember what it was like when he was alive. it kills me. even now i tear up writing these words. but we stuff those tears back. i don't want to forget. i never do. i am greed.
i saw you posted the book "the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse" on your story today. i wonder if you read my writing. the timing makes me wonder. i wrote about it 3 days ago. i wrote the quote you posted - "i've discovered something better than cake." "no you haven't." said the boy. "i have." replied the mole. "what is it?" "a hug. it lasts longer.". is this just coincidence? am i grasping at straws? am i crazy? these are the same thoughts i had when you posted the song "bunny girl". the timing.. write after i added it to that playlist. do you think about me? maybe it is coincidence. i sound absolutely crazy. maybe i'm just hopeful. hopeful that you hold onto things as dearly as i do. i know you do. i know deep down you do. i know you used to. do you still? i saw your writing from yesterday.. how stupidly human. i always see your writing. always. i know you delete your writing sometimes. i've seen those too. are you feeling things again? you've expressed how numb you've felt. are you questioning things? are you still numb? so many things i wonder.
i had so many thoughts last night and early this morning. laying in bed running through my mind. i catch glimpses of those thoughts now, but it's like jumping between memories compared to sprinting down a path. i can't quite grasp the whole picture. i can't quite grasp my thoughts.
april 5, 2025
i wonder how people perceive me. i wish i could be a third party to my life for like a day. what do people think about me? hmmm what's the common thing that people say about me? mysterious. i wonder what's going through his mind. that's probably the biggest thing. people second guessing what i say or what i want. people trying to assume how i feel. it's probably a me thing tbh. i went a long time wondering why people didn't understand me. feeling so isolated. so on the outside looking in. i think i've been that way since i was a child. watching my brother and dad fight as a small little kid.. my mom and dad.. my sister and dad.. big personalities in my family and here i am. so quiet. so small. so isolated. growing up everyone said i was shy and quiet. i was shy and quiet.. can you imagine? i definitely observed everything as a child. i learned to. i learned to not speak up, not voice my emotions, not cause rifts.. i learned to observe.. to observe what the vibes were, where the safe place was, what ticked people off, what made people happy, the motives behind people, the words.. deciphering truth from lies. reading people so not to cause issues. reading people to navigate life as this shy, quiet, little boy surrounded by massive, emotionally reactive personalities. i wonder if i did this to help my dad. to help my brother. to help my family. trying my hardest to understand everyone. trying my hardest to not cause problems. trying my hardest to subtly make others understand each other. trying my hardest to articulate everyone else's wants, needs, desires so that people understand each other. trying my hardest to make sure everyone is okay in any given moment. it's been exhausting. i reach the end of my rope often. i shut down. i cry. i can't take things anymore. what an interesting childhood. what an interesting life.
i'm such a mess. i feel like i'm being so repetitive (am i?).. but it's what i'm thinking. so fired up in my heart about things. my heart can't take it. i'm gonna die of the familial heart disease 100%. i often think about death. i "joke" about the bliss of death often. how blissful it would be. how.. at peace. i don't think i've ever been at peace in my life. peace does sound good. i used to get worked up about moving away when i felt betrayed by my closest friends in corvallis. my job wanted me to move to florida and i was all in. i wanted to start fresh. i wanted to run away. i'm so happy i didn't. i have friends that will never leave. ever. they've been awful, i've been awful, yet we are here. but i've always sought out peace. boy life would be easier if it were peaceful. why does life have to be so turbulent? so erratic? so painful? that's definitely the beauty to life. how beautiful that we've made it so far. how beautiful that we've experienced so much pain. my life, anyone's life, could be one of those beautiful anime that makes your body ache. like violet evergarden or your lie in april or anohana or ao haru ride or kiznaiver or orange... the list goes on. my heart feels like it's going to rip out of my chest at any moment at any given time. do people feel the same way? i don't know. maybe not everyone's life is so painful? maybe they hide it well? do people think about stuff like this often? at all? do people get lulled into life? i know i did for awhile. i made this revelation about myself that i definitely neglect my inner self.. my inner child. i forget what prompted that but it struck. hopefully i'm more kind to my inner child. hopefully i become kind. i know i'm trying.
why do i feel like i can't make mistakes? i'm not talking about repeated patterns, but more so one off things. like forgetting a birthday or forgetting to check on someone in the moment, or forgetting plans, or helping in the wrong way, or saying the wrong thing, etc. why does it feel like the end of the world when i make a mistake? why does it feel like i'm being attacked or shamed? i feel like i have to keep a list of all of my past mistakes so i don't make the same one twice. if i don't fully listen to someone or don't fully understand/register what they are saying and i miss something i feel like i have to constantly keep it in my mind.. "make sure if anyone is talking to you fully listen. you can't miss anything. you need to dissect what they're saying. you need to predict what they might need. you need to be perfect." why does it feel that way? is it supposed to feel that way? i'm not really sure. but when it's others they miss everything. sometimes i feel like i'm held to a double standard. not just sometimes.. all the time. is it i who's putting that double standard on myself? i'm really not sure. i'm trying my best out here. i know i'm not perfect. i know i hurt people at times.. not intentionally, but more so from not dealing with myself.. idk. i'm constantly lost within myself
maybe i'm delusional? like someone wouldn't get over me. like love would be forever. maybe that's not the case. maybe i'm reading too much into things. do people feel the same as i? do people see things the same as me? do people think the same as i? those are questions i often have. i'm unsure. if there's one thing i am it's unsure. but i'm facing myself. my mind is finally made up about my life and what i want.. what i feel is important. who i want to be despite hardships. i think i'm better equipped to handle things on my own now. but that's the thing. i'm not going to handle things on my own anymore. that's what isolates myself
april 4, 2025
kiyoshi's laying next to me right now. i've def missed her. what a good pup. i miss the times at the linden house. i miss the early days of the circle house. i def mainly miss the linden house. living with layton, lily, ian, and deens. those were probably the best times. kiyo makes me want to get a dog. i've been looking but idk if i should get one yet. maybe some day
not too long ago you said that you didn't like thinking about us because it made you sad. you said that you wish things were different. let's make things different. what happened to those feelings? feelings like that after 9 months don't just disappear a couple months later do they? maybe they do.
i can't just give up. i really can't. on the love that we had? i feel like that would be absolutely crazy. love is hard. life is hard. why do i have to give up? why should i have to give up?
are you really being honest when you say you don't harbor any feelings for me?
i'm so torn. i'm so torn between letting you go and not giving up on you. i told myself i'd never give up on you years ago. is it wrong to not give up on you? should i let you go? idk. i can't. i don't ever want to give up on you. no matter if you push me away or put up walls.. i don't want to give up on you. is it fair to you? probably not. for that i'm deeply sorry. how selfish of me
you asked me if it took losing you for me to realize how important you were to me. no. no it didn't. i knew how important you were to me since the beginning. it's why i tried taking care of you. it's why i let you into my life and family. it's why i cared so much about protecting you from yourself. protecting you from others enabling you. i tried protecting you so damn much. do you remember our sober week during and after boston? eventually i broke. i broke after you left. you being next to me was the one thing keeping me sane all that time. do you remember how i was after you left the first time? when you came back? every time you left i got chipped at. eaten at. then you left the last time. i had no hope. none at all. so many days unable to move. so many nights crying my heart out trying to hold back the tears. why the fuck am i sad? why do i feel this way? i've never been like that in my life. unable to figure out what i'm feeling and why.
i went by your old place today. do you remember? morrison street? i've been by quite a few times over the past year or two. the cemetery down the street too. i guess it's just a walk down old memories. some of my best memories. memories that spark so much emotion out of me. i miss you. i've missed you. i've missed you ever since you left. but that's okay. we're here. we're trying. i'm trying my hardest finally
"so once again, i dove into work. i worked because i could control it. i worked because work was sensible and responsible."
what a terrible terrible thing.. to dive into work. the days passing by. prolonged pain. one of my biggest regrets. don't dive into work. don't survive. follow your heart. embrace the pain. be alive
"it's supposed to be me" pg 96
something i think about all the time. i would take his place. why him? why not me? the world would be better with him. i am such an insignificant rot on this earth. that's what i've always thought.
"This is part of what having a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there's someone who is watching out for them..." pg 92
i feel like i haven't had this most of my life. really since my dad passed to be honest. but it was a brief time where he was truly truly there. not working himself to death to try to support my brother and i. but being present. i feel like it's always me letting others know that i'm looking out for them. it's always me looking out for others. the closest i've had to getting looked out for is rob's parents. rob's dad when he would send me updates about student debt relief. rob's dad when he would help me with my retirement or other things like that. i guess my brother does it here and again, but it's not the same. not even close. it's when i come to him to ask for help. and it takes me forever to ask for help. i struggle and struggle and struggle until i've reached my rope's end. defeated. that's when i ask for help. but rob's parents catch me before i'm there. it's like a gentle guiding hand. it feels different. maybe that's part of the reason why i lost myself.
i still have your wish.. everything that you gave me. i often times look at things from you and just sit there in deep thought. i've always done that. i wonder if you still want me to hold onto your wish or not. i wonder if you'd like it back. i've kept it safe this whole time. just waiting for you on my headboard next to all of my important things.
deens. i guess i want you to believe in me once more. to give me another chance. i'm finally able to believe in myself again. i feel like i've come back from the dead. i want to give you everything i wish i could've before. these are my wants, but even if they don't come true i don't really care. i'd like to see you again when i'm in thailand. i'd like to see you to properly apologize. i'd like to see you because i don't want such a major part of my life to end so.. sadly. like withering away. i want to do something right for once. this is what i feel is right. i don't feel like it'd be right for me to continue to run away. much like you, i want to face myself. my life. you say you don't have regrets because you gave your all. this is me giving my all regardless if i see you or not. this is me facing myself. this is me trying my hardest.
god i'm disgusted with my actions. idk how i can hurt people as i do. i know it's inaction. i know it's keeping closed off. i know it's trying to protect myself. i'm so disgusted with my life. i always have been
remember when i used to tell you that how i got through the day was looking forward to my next cup of coffee? how that was the one thing i looked forward to. how depressing to live for a cup of coffee. i've thought about that for years. how crazy is it to have those thoughts.. i couldn't look forward to anything because everything brought me pain. my friends. my family. you. you brought me so much happiness but so much pain. you being suicidal. i used to worry all the time if i wasn't going to see you again. i used to wonder if today was going to be the day that i found you. that's why i used to get upset about people talking to you about fun experience with drugs or alcohol or anything like that.. because it was like they were enabling your suicide. enabling my pain. my heartbreak. they didn't have to worry about you like i did. they never had to think about these things. i was worried sick all the time. i think i would've followed you if you did. i couldn't take it. all of that reminds me of my dad and how i was after he passed. how it tore apart my family. how i laid in the fetal position on the hardwood floors of my dark cold childhood room with a loaded gun to my head for hours. crying. squeezing on the trigger and tempting myself to do it. wishing i could. for hours and hours.
april 3, 2025
are my thoughts ugly to you? they're ugly to me. feelings can be so ugly yet so beautiful. so raw and unrefined waiting to be slowly polished. so intense. so sporadic. so violent. so kind. it's as if a fire raging through a forest. so hot. so devastating. so unpredictable. dreadfully a disaster.
you asked me if i love you or just the idea of you. i've wondered that myself in the past after you and i broke up. i've thought deeply about how i feel about you. i don't look back and see purely good and happy moments. i see a lot of struggle, sadness, despair. not from just me, but from us. from what you went through. from how you felt. from how i felt. from how we made each other feel. we're not perfect. not even close. but i love you regardless. i've tried forgetting. forgetting my feelings. stuffing them down to not feel bad anymore. no matter how i've tried nothing ever works. i come back with the same love for you i had when i first met you. i'm not always the best at expressing it. sometimes i get lost. distance is incredibly hard. i didn't handle it well at all. but i know i love you. i know you have my heart. nothing will change that.
and just like that. the thoughts in my mind from 10 minutes ago vanished without a trace. i really am the worst at remember things like that. i jump from thought to thought. go down one rabbit hole, immediately plop down a different one. all of a sudden they're explored yet forgotten. maybe one day i'll be better at retaining my thoughts.
i'm saying these things now because i don't want to keep you guessing anymore. left in the dark. i don't want to be that passive person i've been in the past. that's one of my worst qualities.. being passive. i want to take action. i want to answer your questions again. i want to express my feelings. the feelings i had. the feelings i have. it's what i want. not what you want. i get that. i get that that is incredibly selfish. i get that it's terrible of me. i understand more than you know. i hate myself for it. why now? why not before? that's going to eat at me for the rest of my life. trust me on that.
i really am the worst human. how could i act the way i acted? how could i say all of the things i said? what the fuck is wrong with me. i acted the way i did before. why do i have to pull people back into things like that. i don't want to let go. not because i want you to myself. i do, but not like that. i've always wanted you to be strong on your own, independent, love yourself. that's what i used to tell you when you wanted to marry me. i don't want to be the easy way out for you. i love you so deeply and would jump at the opportunity of marrying you, but something made me feel like if i did that then you'd eventually become lost. maybe i was wrong. i probably was.
i wish i could've said "i'm home". i'd been so lost for so long, but i guess i burnt down that home. i did burn down that home. how silly of me. how tragic.
do you remember? i finally did.
"one of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things"
"so much beauty we need to look after"
"sometimes i feel lost," said the boy. "me too," said the mole, "but we love you, and love brings you home."
"i think everyone is just trying to get home." said the mole.
"what is the bravest thing you've ever said?" asked the boy. "help." said the horse.
"asking for help isn't giving up." said the horse. "it's refusing to give up."
"i've discovered something better than cake." "no you haven't." said the boy. "i have." replied the mole. "what is it?" "a hug. it lasts longer."
"is your glass half empty of half full?" asked the mole. "i think i'm grateful to have a glass." said the boy.
"we don't know about tomorrow," said the horse, "all we need to know is that we love each other."
"what's your best discovery?" asked the mole. "that i'm enough as i am," said the boy.
"do you have any other advice?" asked the boy? "don't measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated." said the horse.
love is never easy. that's at least what i like to believe. it's easy at first. it always is. but love is hard because of the things we go through as individuals. especially when we're apart. it feels so easy to lost sight.
do you still find me to be a mystery? do you still wonder what's going through my mind? what i'm thinking about in any given moment? i'm a mess. i always have been. emotionally charged. deep in my feelings. little things affecting me with massive impact. wanting to believe in love. wanting to believe in people. i'm such a mixture of trying to survive and trying to live. my thoughts are always such a mess. thoughts moving at the speed of light. if i blink i'll only catch a glimpse. if i think about something deeply without thinking on paper, i lose it. desperately grasping at my thoughts. do you still think i'm strong? do you still think i'm kind? do you still think i'm giving? i live in my own world. i always have. i've been told so many times that it feels like i'm somewhere else. caught in between thoughts. caught in between pain. caught in my own world. so closed off. "oh nothing" is how i respond. partly because i can't grasp the thoughts anymore. how do i elaborate? how do i elaborate on my thoughts that just vanished? "oh just this" like i didn't just think so deeply in my mind going back and forth about every little nuance. like i didn't just live a lifetime in my head. do you still think i'm honest? do you still wonder about my mind?
like i have the right to speak these words. i don't think i have the right to speak on your behalf, anyone's behalf. who am i to speak like that. what the fuck is wrong with me
you say i don't know you. you say you've changed. darlin, i know you've changed. you've become closed off. maybe just closed off to me. no. no you've truly become closed off. protecting yourself. you've become who i was. who i am. you stopped writing. you stopped doing the things that i know you love. you've stopped believing in love. you've dived into work like i have. you're focused on things that will let you survive. at least from our brief conversations that's what i see. how you talk to me. i feel the walls. do you talk that way now? i see it in your posts. i see it in your response to me. the way you talk, the way you write to me, feels so.. fake. fake it till we make it, right? i know that's been a common theme in your head. how do people live? does everyone just fake it? i don't think they truly live. i know i didn't. i know the girl i once knew is still in you. you keep very composed, but you can't fool me. you never could. i see the cracks in that composure. they blare at me like sirens. loud. bright. the emotion seeps through your composure. it seeps through your cold guarded walls. it seeps through. when we talked on the phone. in your texts. in your response to me. it's a mixture of cold business-like composure and the emotional loving girl i knew. i know you still dream of love. i know you want to be loved. i know you want to believe in love. i know you want to believe in the good. i know you're taking the steps to survive. i know it's painful. the big glaring siren i see is how you talk. you are not that cold. you could never be that cold. your true heart lies within uncovering people's stories. being kind. being loving. giving an environment where people can be comfortable. you say you've changed. look at that. you took my advice. lie to yourself. tell yourself things until you believe them. how foolish of me.
i guess i'm saying these things now because i don't want to continue fighting alone like we have been. maybe you're already past this. maybe you're already past fighting together. i know how strong you are. how strong you've become. maybe i've realized how silly it's been to hold onto things that are so meaningless. i'm usually someone who's incredibly passive. i'm not someone to force things. i'm not someone
i wonder what life will be like. living unquestionably is having no ambitions. they just kind of fall to the side. mitch albom really put it into words. so well. things that i've thought about before but couldn't quite get right. like i'm dancing around the connections. maybe this is similar to my thoughts on buddhism. distractions. ambitions. attachment. attachment to "living". not really living is it? where is the soul in that? where is the heart? how cold of a world to live in. how meaningless.
i said those things too late. too late because you were.. are.. still on my mind. i replied to everything from before. my thoughts over the years came out. i was selfish. i am selfish. how could i pull you back into hell? i know.. but this feeling of wanting to be understood overwhelmed me. this feeling of wanting to fight overwhelmed me. i was deeply and utterly overwhelmed.. how greedy. my heart aches. aches because of who i am. aches because of what i've done. aches for those around me. aches for those that i love. how could i be this way if i love someone? how could i be so selfish?
love.. what a silly thing. all of my past relationships have been hard. i think i make them hard. i get in my own way. i lose sight of things. some of the relationships were purely out of not wanting to be alone. some had true love. one was a bond boundless by time. i lose sight of my true feelings. i know that, some people, i don't truly have a connection with. why would i keep them around? i lie to myself. i can see this working. it's cope. i fear being alone. my life flashes before my eyes. all alone. i fear it. i don't have to. i don't have to be alone. but i know that there's one person i can see my life with. nobody else. not because i don't like people. not because i don't want love. not because i don't want to try.. because the bond i had with that person touched me in a completely different way. i see lifetimes with them. they're in no means perfect. far from it. aren't we all? but their imperfections are everything to me. such a warmth they have. a warmth that's not so shallow as the touch of our skin. a warmth like my soul is being caressed in a way that makes me feel at home. because like a lot of others, i don't have a home. just like the scared little boy from before. some things never do really change do they? maybe that's why i've always felt comfort in being alone. maybe that's why i push people away. because deep down i knew they weren't home to me. i'd try to force it. truly truly force it. what heartbreak. what sorrow. what hurt i've caused. like repelling magnets trying to be pushed together. but with you it sincerly is different.
i was blinded... i really was. i used distractions as a coping mechanism. i really lost myself. lost what really mattered.
my seven deadly sin really is greed isn't it? i admitted that to a close friend. he said his was sloth. i asked him what he thought mine was. he said he thought it'd be pride. i think that's what he said. i said i thought it'd be greed. i grew up with nothing and wanted everything. wanted to know everything. wanted to remember everything. wanted to never be wrong. wanted to feel okay unknowingly at the expense of others. was it genuinely unknowingly? wanted to hold onto memories. hold dear everyone. wanted to be the best at everything. ambition. ambition for the world. for my life. to be successful. to have nice things. to have a nice home. wanted to hurt no one. to support everyone. wanted to be seen. heard. wanted things to make me feel good. always working towards the next thing. the next phase in life. the next job. the next house. the next step. the next gratifying purchase. greed. i still want these things. but maybe i'm more at peace with it. maybe i'm able to hold it back. maybe i'm able to remember, remind myself, that those things don't matter. it's not about me. it never is about me. it shouldn't be about me. my life is about others. at least that's how i want it to be. i truly am greedy aren't i?
i am truly a slave to my emotions, aren't i? emotions that change who i am at any given moment. emotions that i react to lovely or poorly. i'm chained by these feelings, these thoughts. how silly that i can know something so well yet act in a completely different manner.
i lost myself didn't i? i feel like i see things so clearly now. like i've emerged from a dark and foggy forest. how did i get lost in the first place? how can i be so sure of who i want to be yet lose such complete sight of it. lose the meaning of it. i can remind myself and remind myself yet truly not understand. i did remind myself. be loving. be caring. be kind. be giving. be selfless. live for others. yet somehow along the way i started living for myself. i started pushing people away. i started hating life. i started hating people. i was so angry. there were glimpses of the person i wanted to be, but it was so muddied by who i was. being ambitious. looking for the next things in life. competing. hobbies. dreadfully all distractions. distractions that led me to continue being lost.
content is the feeling. content and gentle. i feel myself falling back into who i was. you said before that people really listen to me. that people raise their voice when they want to be heard, but when i speak.. i speak softly. people cling to each word waiting for the next. you saw the content and gentle side of me. that is who i am. that is who i want to be. boy did i lose that. i see my family in myself. i see the scared little boy still sitting deep in my heart. in my soul. when he comes out it sure is a nightmare. it sure does take forever for me to realize, doesn't it? why? i ask myself why too much. all the time. why can't i control these feelings? why can't i force myself to be the person i want to be? i'm sad when i think about how i've affected people. my only goal in life used to be "make a positive impact on people, on the world, no matter how big or small". content. how did i lost that? thinking i need to take the next step in my life. as if life is a series of steps. how silly of me. what silly thoughts i have.
