Journal Entry - May 3, 2024

I'm always thinking about myself. From my perspective. Always negative about everyone else. Never what they're going through. What's happened to me? What happened. Why am I like this. Just out for myself. Never giving. Always thinking about what other's "owe" me or how they affect me. I always talk about how you should do things not because others want you to or with an expectation of something in return or any kind of control over what others do.. You should do things because you want to do them for others. You want to be kind to others. You want to love others. You want to believe in others. Acts of kindness and generosity should never be done with an underlying expectation or assumption. Do these things because YOU want to. Do these things out of freedom. Do these things from your soul.

I've been chained down for so long. I've done things out of obligation with a negative connotation. I LOVE the obligation that's pushed me through life. That's made me be there for family and friends. That's been ever giving. That's made it so friends had no problem asking for things from me. That's made me that friend that will be there no matter what. That's made me that friend that's been taken advantage of.. I want to be that friend. I want to be that person again. Things are so meaningless unless I can share them with people. Life is so meaningless unless I can share it with people. I can't be alone anymore. I can't put walls up and keep people at a distance anymore. I've been hurt for a long time. I lost faith in others. I lost faith. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE FAITH. I don't want to be hurt. I want to be that loving person I once was. I want to do things. I want to spread myself so thin that I'm there for everyone. So thin that I have no time. So thin that I make sure I've made an impact. I want that. But not in a way that hurts people. I NEED TO TRY HARDER. I've gotten so lazy. I've gotten so self-serving. SERVE OTHERS. I don't do things for others anymore. I just don't. It's all self-serving.. God I don't want to be so broken down anymore.

I don't smile when I see people. I'm not happy seeing others.. I don't want that. I want to be that bright person. That person that is loving. I need to work at this. I need to work hard