originally i was scared if you actually loved me. i was scared that you just loved me because i was there for you to cling on to at your lowest point. i was scared that as soon as you started getting back on your feet that you would realize that you didn't actually love me. i was scared that you'd just use me and throw me away like most people in my life. i was scared that opening up and expressing my thoughts would make you run away. i was scared that you wouldn't accept me. i've always been scared of that. i don't want to hurt anyone. i never do. when i hurt people it lives in my mind often times for the rest of my life. i can go through all of the times i've hurt people. since i was a child. i don't like hurting people. i'd rather i be the one to hurt than others. i'd rather die than others. i'd rather take on the burden than others. when i hurt people i think to myself.. why am i even here? why am i alive? what purpose do i have? i never want to hurt people in the same way. it lives in my mind forever. i keep to myself. i isolate. if people hurt me i say it's okay. it's not that big of a deal. i'd rather you be comfortable than to express my pain. i'd rather kill myself than to cause pain. but here i am. this time knowingly causing pain. what changed? i stopped wanting to live my life out of fear. i wanted to finally step up. to face myself. what a mistake. your life would be so much easier without me. everyone's life would. i often wonder if i'd leave a void in anyone's life if mine ended. i've wonder since i was a child. i don't think i'd leave much of a void. the only void i feel like i'd leave is one with my cats. maybe that's why i have cats. i've thought about removing myself from where i am. running away to another place. disappearing. it'd make not existing easier. would anyone ever find out if i died elsewhere? if i died after disappearing? i consider these things a lot. probably far too often. i'm a coward. i am scared. here are my thoughts. i should've kept quiet. i should've withered away. i should've stayed that small, quiet little boy that always lives inside of me. i'm far too scared. i'm far too broken.
