What is love? What is love to myself? What is love to others? Questions I’ve wondered about for what seems like an eternity. Is love the relationship you jump into to unknowingly cope for past traumas? Is love a void one tries to fill? Is love what they portray in blockbuster rom coms, TV dramas, or anime? Is love what they portray in music? Is love always toxic? Is love healthy? Is love worth yearning for? What is love? I like to think that love is what they portray in media – movies, TV dramas, anime, music, but I know a lot of people that fall in the trap of loving to cope.. loving to fill a void. I’ve been a victim to this trap. It’s not a fun trap to fall victim to. I think I’m lucky enough to realize this though and to really question myself and why I love the people I do. Do I love them unconditionally? Am I obtaining something from this love? Do I love the idea of the person.. something I’ve built up in my mind? Do I love them through the highs and lows? Do I love being around them? Do I just love their good qualities? Do I love them for stability? Why do I love this person?
I’ve experienced love in many ways – loving someone through a truly toxic relationship where they are constantly talking to others behind my back, love bombing me, and manipulating me in different ways; loving someone because we get along well but the relationship is missing so much; loving someone while unknowingly trying to fill a void within myself; loving someone because it’s comfortable and stable, etc. I’ve loved a lot, which has been absolutely incredible, but the love I’ve had is nothing compared to actually being in-love with someone. That’s, really, a once in a lifetime experience. Love that lasts an eternity. Love that can’t be described. Love that feels like home. It’s like your sense of self is being seen fully for the first time. There’s an unconditional nature to it where no matter what they do you’ll love them regardless. No matter how they change you’ll love them regardless.
I know a lot of people that have gotten stuck in the love trap. I wonder why. I think part of it is not knowing why they love. Not truly knowing what they’re loving for. I’m not too sure to be honest. But back to the main point..
What is love? Is love real? I think so. I just had a friend tell me that they were told that they were silly to believe in love. It’s really sad. In my mind, love is the one thing really worth living for. What else do we have but love? But it’s not so simple. Love comes with pain. Love comes with vulnerability. Love comes with misery. But love also comes with so many positive things as well. Is love worth it? I think so. I think it’s worth every single bit of suffering because love does something for your life that nothing else really can. Love is truly life awakening. Almost like a slap in the face to actual living, if that makes sense? Like a wave comes over one’s self. It’s not always instantaneous or easy though. I think it depends on the person. Some people are like clams that gradually open to it due to past traumas. Some people are in a torrent of waves so it can be hard to decipher. Some people are just never open to the idea due to past circumstances, but the one thing they do want deep down is to be loved. I think love comes in many forms, but there’s a uniqueness to being in love. Almost like two people drawn together by fate. Like they weren’t done loving each other in the past life. Like they find each other in every life. It’s a weird, home-like feeling. You just kind of know.
I’ve loved a lot, but it’s all been very distinguishable. Like the reasons why I love the people that I love whether it be familial reasons, trauma bonding, how well I get along with them, stability, lying to myself, etc, etc. But there’s one love that I’ve never experienced before until 3.5 years ago.. being in love. It’s so distinguishable from all of the other reasons why we love. It’s like you can’t really explain the reasoning why this person is the one. They may be bad for you at times. They may have bad qualities. They may not lead to the most “stable” or “easy” life. They may not be perfect in every way. They may not be what you imagined. But they are your person. They are your home. They change you fundamentally. I’ve never really believed in soulmates before. I’ve never believed that one person could be the love of your life. I’ve always thought that humans aren’t too unique. I don’t think I’m unique at all.. like I’m replaceable. But meeting her changed all of that for me. The uniqueness to everyone. The uniqueness of her voice. The uniqueness of her touch. The uniqueness of her presence. The uniqueness of her mind. The uniqueness of her jokes. The uniqueness of our interactions. The uniqueness of her kindness. The uniqueness of her smell. The uniqueness of her eyes. The uniqueness of her expressions. The uniqueness of the way she sleeps. The uniqueness of her. There’s nothing in the world like her. There’s nobody in the world that makes me feel the way that she makes me feel. There’s no easy way to explain why I love her. Loving her is just a part of me. I can’t even explain why her uniqueness impacts me the way it does. It’s just a chemical reaction. Time seemingly stops and accelerates with her. Without her time clearly stops. Where has time gone? What has happened? Living aimlessly in a haze. Love is complicated. Love is painful. Love is patient. Love is fulfilling. Love is illogical. Love is worth it.
Maybe I’ll add more to this whole love writing. I probably will. Consider this a draft.