the devil gripping my beating heart
turmoil from within
crushed under heavy torrents
the great red storm grows within
diamonds raining from the ether
steadily bewitched in a heavy trance
6′ under above the sky
seamlessly trapped on all sides
pressures reeling from deep within
the great red storm seeps deeper again
until the pressures wither away
and is no more.. broken.. delayed
lost back to the ocean that was once called home
never to be seen, never to be shown
Tag: poetry
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motionless
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loving you was so easy
but it was so painful too
through the lowest of the lows
i was thereslowly eaten away
a living husk of who i once was
i give until i have nothing
i gave when i had nothing anywaymaybe one day you’ll understand
the world may understand
i am not as strong as i seem
i am only human it seemsi’ll continue giving everything
that is who i am
i’ll continue struggling for those i love
i’ll continue struggling for you my love“loving you was so easy, but it was so painful too”. something you’ve said to me. i’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. i give too much. my sister says too a fault. she wishes i left situations i never did. she hates seeing me so sad. but i think i’m a lot stronger now. i’ve learned how to not completely shut down. i’ve learned how to express myself better. i’ve put my ego aside. i found myself again and i’ll try desperately to never lose myself again. i have reminders. i have this feeling of who i am. i’ve accepted a lot of things. i’ve learned what it looks like to lie to myself over and over again to survive. i’ve learned how to not live in a fog. i’ve learned to love love. i’ve learned to love music and media again. i went a long time without listening to music.. something very unlike myself. i sit down and engross myself in shows and books again. i started writing and doing artistic things again. i’ve learned so much these past years, and i don’t think i could’ve without you. i put in a lot of work and here i am.. living for love. because what else is there? your favorite book has taught me a lot over the years. i started it when you first gave it to me. i read a ton. i started it again a year ago. i started it again back in february and finally finished the last bit i hadn’t read. it’s funny how humans can get so lost. morrie says it’s easy to snap out of it, and in a lot of ways it is, but in a lot of ways its not. but i do think that being honest with ones’ self makes it a whole lot easier. i feel that within myself. so i choose to live for love because what else do we really have? i choose to live through the pain because what a beautiful experience it is. “i feel it and i feel it completely”. i choose to let myself be vulnerable. normally i do stuff alone. i take on the burdens. but over the past year or so i’ve been a lot more open to my family about my downfalls. like truly open. not just objectively saying it, but expressing my emotion. crying. feeling my feelings. before i felt like i couldn’t because i felt like i had to be perfect. i took on so many burdens myself. i’ve realized it isn’t other people putting burdens on me, it’s myself taking on those burdens because i love those around me. i love my community. but maybe that’s not fully true. i feel as if people relied on me a ton. that’s a beautiful thing, but it broke me along the way. i felt like i had to be perfect because if i wasn’t things would fall apart for those around me. i felt like i couldn’t have worries or feel my feelings because i had to be on top of everything or else the world would crumble. i felt that with you too. i felt so much pressure from you to save you. i couldn’t handle it all even if it’s what i wanted. i wanted the things you did, but i had so much on my shoulders. morrie also said that a big mistake is thinking we’re important. i finally get that one. as soon as i broke nothing crumbled around me. i thought “why was i taking on so much for?”. i resented people. “why would they put so much on me?”. i was incredibly hurt. i felt like nobody cared for me or thought that i mattered. nobody helped me while i was dying. but here we are. i don’t mind if i get hurt in the process, especially if it’s my conscious choice to support people. i can feel those feelings completely and move on. but i should never close my heart completely. something you told me in the fall. something that’s stuck with me. i did close my heart completely for a little while. it was the saddest time of my life. i wonder if you’ve closed your heart completely. maybe you’ve only closed your heart off to me. i know you wake up throughout the night. i know you’re struggling. i see it because i’ve been struggling.. in very similar ways. i know you’re trying your hardest. i know you’re trying to move on. trying to forget and be strong. maybe i’m doing all of this because i’ve been down that path and all i ever wanted was someone to.. hug me. to tell me everything is going to be okay. to truly see me. to bring me down from the ledge. to let me know that i’m not in it alone. to push and push until i pour my heart out. i see a lot of myself in you. so much of myself really.
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it’s 4:19am
birds chirping
frogs croaking?
the ac unit is humming
yet i feel like my skin is on fire..i can’t get you off my mind
wishing you were here laying next to me
you’d correct that word above
one of many restless nights
consumed by you.. the lack of you
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every time i think of you i end up crying
it is april and my eyes are wide open
daydreaming about the love we once had
lashing out, careless, pained
a hastily grasp of delusion
sprinting forward towards ghosts
ghosts of what we once were
seamless streams, broken, forgottenapril, pass it will
through dark rainy clouds
onto bright summer days
breaking out of this hell
time seemingly stopped
i can feel your warmth from a world away
i’ve never stopped.. loving you
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i truly am the darkness to your light
my hating people
your loving them
my survivorship (“strength”)
your hopeful living (strength)
my distrust in humanity
your kindness to the worldbefore i knew it i became this way
i was always this waywas i faking it before?you’re my admiration, darling
my hope
my life
my light..i am truly the darkness to your light
dev the people hater
– phone call march 28, 2025
that will be stuck in my mind for eternity
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blood moon
The sea was silent, my soul was loud, Lost in a storm without a cloud.
Then through the dark, in sorrow’s tune, I saw the bleeding, mourning moon.
Even the heavens spill their pain, longing for love they’ll never regain.
My breath was heavy, my chest felt tight, drowning in echoes of endless night.
But then the shore, in eerie glow, showed me the moon’s own aching woe.
Even the sky must break apart, to bear the weight of a longing heart.
If love can make the cosmos bleed, if the universe must bleed to feel,
Then let my soul be free to need and heal.
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when you leave
you are never really gone
i find you in everything i do
for is there any other way to live not?
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they asked: why do you love her?
as if love can be dissected and neatly categorized like items on a list.
they wanted me to talk about your eyes
or your smile
or your voice
but the truth is
i never needed a reason to love you
it’s simply a part of me
you see love isn’t about reasons or checkboxes
it’s not about fitting into some predefined notion
i don’t love you just because you’re beautiful
i don’t love you just because you’re smart
i don’t love you for what you give me or how you make me feel
i love you because you awakened something within me
with you i don’t just exist
i live
my world isn’t just full
it’s alive
you make everything brighter
and that’s more than enough– a
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i fell for you the moment i saw you
without truly knowing
i fell
i fell for your way of thinking
your beautiful perception of the world
your beauty that ignites flames within me
your intelligence in which awes me
your kindness that warms my heartbut none of that is truly why i fell for you
your soul ignited mine
like a moth drawn to a flame
like two atoms tied together across the universe
your soul drawn to mine
as if the colliding of our souls exploded the universe
my universe
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you told me that you can live without me now
that’s all i ever wanted
for you to believe in yourself
to live for yourself
to love yourselfi never wanted you to be reliant on me to live
for that would be selfish of me
keeping you all to myselfdespite wanting to so bad
even if you’d be happy with memaybe i was wrong
i probably wasi told you that you bring color to my life
though i can live without you
have lived without you
will live without you..i prefer life with you
because life with you is unlike anything i’ve experienced
life with you is colorful
life with you is kind
life with you is living
life with you is..worth loving
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april 15, 2019 poem
Living life so gallantly
Soaring, loving, loved
Bright – no end in sight –
Naivety, blind to the lightUncertainty creeping in
Clinging, grasping, loss
Eyes – painfully enlightening
Can’t be stoppedFear, emanating –
Rapid, violent, wild
Like a surging demonic fire
Overwhelming
Naivety piercing sharply **Sorrow filling, hope lost –
Worlds come crashing down
The end blaringly in sight
For late at night one’s life slowly fadesIn a daze, time’s stopped
A soulless body aimlessly walking,
Longing to reunite, **
Spiritually – one with the universe **Stopped, a hero emerges
Overwhelming presence,
Blessed beyond the stars
Life seeping in slowlyAlas, reuniting
Yet to be complete
The one blessed by the gods
Falls down to EarthShattered –
Overwhelming guilt; emerging
Nothing to stop it
Demonic fire blazingNo past,
No future,
No life,
Shocked out of existenceTime gone –
Where?
Stretching on forever,
Nothing in sight