I’ve been conflicted, since the beginning, whether I should “save” you or let you face yourself. Of course I wanted to, but then part of me always thought that you needed to face yourself, face Thailand, face your family, even if it was incredibly difficult to do so. Maybe it wasn’t my place to have these thoughts. I should’ve supported you the way you needed me to. I look at your life from the outside now and you’re actually able to be a part of your family. You’re able to live in Thailand. You’re able to grow and move forward. I feel like if I continued to “save” you that I’d be holding you back from something you would eventually need to face. Like things wouldn’t be better until you faced yourself. I wish, with my whole heart, that I could’ve been selfish, asked you to marry me, and had you move into a place with me, but I couldn’t. I felt as if I would’ve been holding you back from yourself. And maybe I was wrong. Maybe all of that could’ve happened and things would’ve turned out incredible. But then I felt like I wouldn’t ever know a massive part of who you are. Thailand. Your family. I’ve been conflicted about a lot of things in my life, but this one really fucked me up. I should’ve talked to you about it like this but it was incredibly difficult to do so. How do I have this conversation with you when it feels like I’m shattering your whole world. Your whole being. When you’re begging me to save you. I didn’t know how at the time. I think now I do. I’m able to have conversations like this a lot easier now especially with loved ones. Although a little too late.. I’m deeply sorry for not being strong when you needed me to be.
Tag: ds
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deens
Well, tonight is my last night in Thailand.. until next time I guess. I wish I got to see you. I wish I got to speak with you. I want to make one thing clear.. I don’t want things to go back to how they were. I don’t want to live in the past. I love you and want to be with you, but I don’t want to just go back to what we had. I want to support your life. I want to support you as you take Thailand head-on. I want to support your growth however you would need me to. I want to come together to figure out a life we can be happy with. I want to be present in your life. I want to call and text everyday. I want to check in all the time and share our lives together. I want things to be different than how they were. I don’t want to be so separate like we were towards the end. I know maybe you don’t want these things. I know maybe you don’t miss me or love me anymore. I know. But if you do, I want you to know that in no way do I want to hold you back from growing. All I want is to support the person I love unconditionally. I want to be more vocal about our needs, our worries, our mistakes, etc. I want to compromise more. It’s not like I haven’t thought about everything regarding us. I want change, but I want that change to be with you.
I’ll always be open to you. If you ever change your mind I will be there. You have my heart, Deens.
I’ll be coming back to Thailand in July (maybe late May? that’d be crazy) after going to Turkey with my sister in June (which I want to invite you to. I’d pay for you and you don’t need a visa or anything.). I want to visit Thailand every season just because I kinda really enjoy it here. I’ve been working on my Thai a lot. Which reminds me, I got complimented on my tattoos here too. Seems like they’re a global attraction hehehe. I’m seeing about getting a LTR visa in Thailand and getting a condo here in Bangkok. These are my plans. Idk why I’m saying them.. maybe I just want to be open.
I hope to speak with you and see you sometime soon. I love you more than you know and I miss you like crazy.
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i am never going to give up on you
I’m not going to give up on you. I can’t give up on you. No amount of words will ever explain to you how much you mean to me. How much I love you. Even if it drives me crazy, even if it kills me, I will never give up on you. I’ll suffer for the rest of my life for you. Of course I have regrets from the past. I wish I was so unwavering before, but I wasn’t. I wish I was forthcoming with all of my thoughts and feelings, but I wasn’t. I wish I didn’t hold back, but I did. I was broken.. I am broken, but my convictions are strong just like yours. I will never ever give up on you.
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it’s 3:33am on april 19th
A day before your birthday. I haven’t been able to get a good night’s sleep since I’ve been here. I haven’t been able to get a good night’s sleep in the past year to be honest.. maybe even since you left for Thailand. I hate that I held back my feelings and desires for so long. I’ve wanted to be with you since the day you broke up with me. I’ve wanted to be with you since the day I met you. What a stupid fool I am to not voice my true desires. What a stupid stupid fool
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loving you was so easy
but it was so painful too
through the lowest of the lows
i was thereslowly eaten away
a living husk of who i once was
i give until i have nothing
i gave when i had nothing anywaymaybe one day you’ll understand
the world may understand
i am not as strong as i seem
i am only human it seemsi’ll continue giving everything
that is who i am
i’ll continue struggling for those i love
i’ll continue struggling for you my love“loving you was so easy, but it was so painful too”. something you’ve said to me. i’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. i give too much. my sister says too a fault. she wishes i left situations i never did. she hates seeing me so sad. but i think i’m a lot stronger now. i’ve learned how to not completely shut down. i’ve learned how to express myself better. i’ve put my ego aside. i found myself again and i’ll try desperately to never lose myself again. i have reminders. i have this feeling of who i am. i’ve accepted a lot of things. i’ve learned what it looks like to lie to myself over and over again to survive. i’ve learned how to not live in a fog. i’ve learned to love love. i’ve learned to love music and media again. i went a long time without listening to music.. something very unlike myself. i sit down and engross myself in shows and books again. i started writing and doing artistic things again. i’ve learned so much these past years, and i don’t think i could’ve without you. i put in a lot of work and here i am.. living for love. because what else is there? your favorite book has taught me a lot over the years. i started it when you first gave it to me. i read a ton. i started it again a year ago. i started it again back in february and finally finished the last bit i hadn’t read. it’s funny how humans can get so lost. morrie says it’s easy to snap out of it, and in a lot of ways it is, but in a lot of ways its not. but i do think that being honest with ones’ self makes it a whole lot easier. i feel that within myself. so i choose to live for love because what else do we really have? i choose to live through the pain because what a beautiful experience it is. “i feel it and i feel it completely”. i choose to let myself be vulnerable. normally i do stuff alone. i take on the burdens. but over the past year or so i’ve been a lot more open to my family about my downfalls. like truly open. not just objectively saying it, but expressing my emotion. crying. feeling my feelings. before i felt like i couldn’t because i felt like i had to be perfect. i took on so many burdens myself. i’ve realized it isn’t other people putting burdens on me, it’s myself taking on those burdens because i love those around me. i love my community. but maybe that’s not fully true. i feel as if people relied on me a ton. that’s a beautiful thing, but it broke me along the way. i felt like i had to be perfect because if i wasn’t things would fall apart for those around me. i felt like i couldn’t have worries or feel my feelings because i had to be on top of everything or else the world would crumble. i felt that with you too. i felt so much pressure from you to save you. i couldn’t handle it all even if it’s what i wanted. i wanted the things you did, but i had so much on my shoulders. morrie also said that a big mistake is thinking we’re important. i finally get that one. as soon as i broke nothing crumbled around me. i thought “why was i taking on so much for?”. i resented people. “why would they put so much on me?”. i was incredibly hurt. i felt like nobody cared for me or thought that i mattered. nobody helped me while i was dying. but here we are. i don’t mind if i get hurt in the process, especially if it’s my conscious choice to support people. i can feel those feelings completely and move on. but i should never close my heart completely. something you told me in the fall. something that’s stuck with me. i did close my heart completely for a little while. it was the saddest time of my life. i wonder if you’ve closed your heart completely. maybe you’ve only closed your heart off to me. i know you wake up throughout the night. i know you’re struggling. i see it because i’ve been struggling.. in very similar ways. i know you’re trying your hardest. i know you’re trying to move on. trying to forget and be strong. maybe i’m doing all of this because i’ve been down that path and all i ever wanted was someone to.. hug me. to tell me everything is going to be okay. to truly see me. to bring me down from the ledge. to let me know that i’m not in it alone. to push and push until i pour my heart out. i see a lot of myself in you. so much of myself really.
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it’s 4:19am
birds chirping
frogs croaking?
the ac unit is humming
yet i feel like my skin is on fire..i can’t get you off my mind
wishing you were here laying next to me
you’d correct that word above
one of many restless nights
consumed by you.. the lack of you
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every time i think of you i end up crying
it is april and my eyes are wide open
daydreaming about the love we once had
lashing out, careless, pained
a hastily grasp of delusion
sprinting forward towards ghosts
ghosts of what we once were
seamless streams, broken, forgottenapril, pass it will
through dark rainy clouds
onto bright summer days
breaking out of this hell
time seemingly stopped
i can feel your warmth from a world away
i’ve never stopped.. loving you
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do you remember? i finally did
“one of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things”
“so much beauty we need to look after”
“sometimes i feel lost,” said the boy. “me too,” said the mole, “but we love you, and love brings you home.”
“i think everyone is just trying to get home.” said the mole.
“what is the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the boy. “help.” said the horse.
“asking for help isn’t giving up.” said the horse. “it’s refusing to give up.”
“i’ve discovered something better than cake.” “no you haven’t.” said the boy. “i have.” replied the mole. “what is it?” “a hug. it lasts longer.”
“is your glass half empty of half full?” asked the mole. “i think i’m grateful to have a glass.” said the boy.
“we don’t know about tomorrow,” said the horse, “all we need to know is that we love each other.”
“what’s your best discovery?” asked the mole. “that i’m enough as i am,” said the boy.
“do you have any other advice?” asked the boy? “don’t measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated.” said the horse.
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i wonder if you read my writing
would you find it interesting? would you dissect the meaning behind it? would you read it more than once? would it get boring to you? i may not have much writing experience, but i like to think i make up for it in emotion. in storytelling (maybe not so much that). but maybe how my brain thinks? idk.
i wonder if you think about me. if you sift through memories like i do. if you still cry about me like i cry about you. the first time you’ve probably experienced me crying. me fully opening my heart to you. me baring my soul to you. only you. there is so much that you don’t know. so many thoughts. so many feelings. i wonder if you were shocked. i wonder how you felt about me crying. how you felt about me baring my soul to you. i wonder how you feel now. what’s going through your mind at any moment. if you still feel feelings like you used to. if you still dream the way you did. or do you feel trapped like i once did? do you feel like you’ve lost part of yourself? are you on the right path? are you following the river home? more importantly do you have loved ones beside you along the way? have you found your home?
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i truly am the darkness to your light
my hating people
your loving them
my survivorship (“strength”)
your hopeful living (strength)
my distrust in humanity
your kindness to the worldbefore i knew it i became this way
i was always this waywas i faking it before?you’re my admiration, darling
my hope
my life
my light..i am truly the darkness to your light
dev the people hater
– phone call march 28, 2025
that will be stuck in my mind for eternity
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when you leave
you are never really gone
i find you in everything i do
for is there any other way to live not?
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they asked: why do you love her?
as if love can be dissected and neatly categorized like items on a list.
they wanted me to talk about your eyes
or your smile
or your voice
but the truth is
i never needed a reason to love you
it’s simply a part of me
you see love isn’t about reasons or checkboxes
it’s not about fitting into some predefined notion
i don’t love you just because you’re beautiful
i don’t love you just because you’re smart
i don’t love you for what you give me or how you make me feel
i love you because you awakened something within me
with you i don’t just exist
i live
my world isn’t just full
it’s alive
you make everything brighter
and that’s more than enough– a
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i fell for you the moment i saw you
without truly knowing
i fell
i fell for your way of thinking
your beautiful perception of the world
your beauty that ignites flames within me
your intelligence in which awes me
your kindness that warms my heartbut none of that is truly why i fell for you
your soul ignited mine
like a moth drawn to a flame
like two atoms tied together across the universe
your soul drawn to mine
as if the colliding of our souls exploded the universe
my universe
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you told me that you can live without me now
that’s all i ever wanted
for you to believe in yourself
to live for yourself
to love yourselfi never wanted you to be reliant on me to live
for that would be selfish of me
keeping you all to myselfdespite wanting to so bad
even if you’d be happy with memaybe i was wrong
i probably wasi told you that you bring color to my life
though i can live without you
have lived without you
will live without you..i prefer life with you
because life with you is unlike anything i’ve experienced
life with you is colorful
life with you is kind
life with you is living
life with you is..worth loving