I’m sorry for dumping so much onto you. This will be the last thing for awhile. I hope you read this.
I have so many emotions swirling within me. Anger, frustration, sadness, despair, hope.. the feeling of being forgotten or unseen. At the end of the day I’m sad.
I’ve been unseen for so long. Maybe part of that resides with me — I know part of it does.. But there’s definitely a big part that resides with others. Maybe that’s okay. Why should I expect others to see or understand me? Why should I expect others to remember?
I feel so much anger because I feel unseen. It’s been with friends and loved ones over the years, but right now that feeling resides with you, deens. I’ve had that feeling for such a long time.. I don’t know why I’m saying all of this now. Maybe it’s because you have a resemblance of stability and loved ones there for you that I feel like I can be unfiltered with you..
See, ever since I met you I felt like I was the only pillar holding you up. I took you in when your relationship collapsed and you had no where else to go. I supported you when your college stuff happened and your future plans fell apart. I helped you pack for your inevitable trip back home. I supported you when you wanted nothing to do with your parents. I was there for you when you and your closest friends had a major falling out. I supported you financially and gave you a home. I was there for you, holding your lifeless, foaming out of the mouth, body throughout the night. I tried my hardest talking you out of suicide for years, trying to support you. I was there for you constantly throughout your darkest times. All of this while going through so much pain of my own with my friends and family as well. But being the only pillar holding you up wasn’t a bad thing. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I want to be someone supporting you. But because I felt like I was the only pillar holding you up, I felt like I couldn’t fully be unfiltered with you. I couldn’t put my burdens onto you. I really wish I did.
One reason why I know you don’t fully understand me is because whenever yours and Ian’s conversations about drugs gets brought up you always get defensive and never think it’s a big deal. I guess for you and him it was all fun and games — just degenerate things.. but for me it was life and death regarding the person I love most in this world. For me it was enabling you while you were at your darkest. For me it came with countless hours and days of trying to give you a reason to live. For me it came with nightmarish images of waking up to you overdosing.. but you never understood that. I’ve tried expressing it over the years.. desperately so. I don’t think I was the best at that though. I was scared to be too harsh with you. I was scared to push you over the edge. I should’ve been a lot more up front but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, in between the pleading with you, I withdrew. I know that was wrong. I deeply regret that. It always hurt though. Ever since I’ve known you I’ve expressed to you, “Why can’t I feel my feelings? Why am I not allowed to?”.. with more context it makes sense that I had the feeling like the weight of the world, your world, was on my shoulders. I don’t think it fully had to be, I know you’re a lot stronger than that, but at the time I don’t think I could’ve thought any other way. I was pushed to the brink of emotional turmoil dealing with the things that deeply affected me between my friends and family and I while trying my hardest to make sure the person that I love most in this world doesn’t die in my arms. But there’s more to it than just that as well.
When you came back the first time you said I was mean. I was mean. You leaving affected me deeply. I was alone in this world. The one person who did somewhat understand me and cared enough was gone. The one person that brought me comfort wasn’t in my life anymore. I was in so much pain trying my hardest to survive. I was down the path of hating humanity again.. hating everyone and everything. Somewhere down the line after you came back, distance had grown between us even though we lived together. I had been in my head so much regarding my friends and family — my heart was hurting tremendously.. I remember the day you came upstairs and hungout with me. Do you remember what I said? “I missed you. I want you were here with me. I want you around me”. But in your mind you thought I needed space. I desperately needed support. And I know that’s not on you. How would you know? I didn’t do such a good job of communicating that, but I think I did try. After that day we had started hanging out again, watching anime, playing video games, and just being around each other. I think those times are the happiest I’ve been. But then you had to leave again.. This time was even worse than the last. Major family fights and stress being put on me. I can’t count how many times I have broken down since then. That was really the point where I broke. I tried expressing to you what I had been going through, but I, again, felt like the only pillar holding you up. I felt like I had to be the strong and stable one for you thus putting my own feelings aside. I danced this line of expressing the things that affected me and how while trying to be strong. Eventually I withdrew. Paul having passed away shortly after you left, my sister saying incredibly nasty things and having to try to rekindle that relationship and so on while still trying to talk you down from the edge.. I eventually couldn’t be strong for the both of us. The amount of stress and pain I experienced and for so long was way too much. If I didn’t have the feeling of having to be strong for you — being the only thing between you and death — I think things would’ve been different. I think I would’ve had one aspect of my life that didn’t weigh on me heavily.. but again, that’s not on you. Somewhere along the line I had grown into that thinking. I tried my fucking hardest though.
Of course this doesn’t encompass everything — it’s just a little peer into my deeply pained brain. I don’t even know why I’m expressing this, but I think it’s better to express it rather than keeping it in the dark. Part of me hopes you’ll understand more of why things happened the way they happened. Part of me hopes that you’ll see that I didn’t lose any love for you. But I don’t know. Part of this is a response to — “If someone loves you, you will know. I believe that with all my heart. If they love you, you will know. I didn’t feel loved at the end of our relationship. I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m doubting myself and my worth. If the person who claims they love you won’t even call you back?”. I don’t think that you will always know that someone loves you. I don’t think relationships are as simple as that. Human emotions, communication, relationships, conflicts, perspective, values.. it’s all so much more complicated than just “you’ll know”. I think you’d understand that as well. I questioned your love for me from the get go. Was I just a crutch for her? Was I an easy way towards her dreams? Will she leave me for someone better once they come along? Am I just a stepping stone of support between her previous relationship and her next? For all I know she could be in it for the money. For the green card? Am I just the person she’s clinging onto because her world is falling apart? I know none of those things are true, don’t get me wrong. In the middle of the pain and stress that weighed on me so heavily, I went crazy. I doubted everything. I doubted myself. I doubted you. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that you will know. This may be just an assumption, but I think you still love me now. You love me now and won’t talk to me. You love me now and won’t call me. If I’m wrong than disregard that, but I don’t think I am. But the point is, if I am right in that, you’re not not talking to me because you don’t love me. I think you’re not talking to me because you love me so but you chose to part ways. I think that you’re at war with yourself to be honest (look at me analyzing you to try to have some resemblance of connection to you. A little cope for dev.). But even so, if you would know that I loved you then the amount I took on for you should tell you just how much I do love you. It should tell you that I’m willing to sacrifice my sanity for you. I’m willing to perish for you. And throughout all of that sacrificing of my sanity and drowning, I continued to choose you. I continued to drown just so I could be with you. I continued on with that pain and trauma simply for you. But I know you didn’t know half of the things that I was going through — that was going through my head. I know you still don’t. Even today, traveling across this Earth to be with you, you should know that you mean the world to me. Through my texts and the phone calls over this past year and a half, to the letters, you should know. “I miss you” — “I wish things were different” — “I’ve been thinking about you” — “I never wanna let you go. Just hold you tight forever” — “Goodnight love” — “Good morning love” — “Wishing you were here” — “Miss you Deens” — “I hope you had the lovelies day, Deens” — “I wish you were here” — “Thinking about you a lot” — “I’m struggling” — “I miss you so fucking much” — “You have every right to call me. I think about reaching out, but I guess I got in my head that you’ve moved on. That you’re living your own wonderful life without me.” — “I miss you an unimaginable amount” — “I think about you everyday” — Yeah I do.. It breaks my heart whenever we don’t talk. It’s been hard for me too” — “I’ve been missing you a ton.. I hope you’re doing well, Deens” — “I miss you a ton.. I hope you’re doing well” — “I miss you a ton” — “I miss you and wish things were different too” — “No no. You’re def not an idiot.. I think I’m the idiot tbh” — “I’m just struggling”… some of the messages I’ve sent to you over the past year and a half among calling you for hours on end, you falling asleep on the phone with me, etc. And all of that met with the same from you. You’ve been experiencing the same thing. But know, I’ve been going crazy for a lot longer than just these past few months. I’ve been this crazy the whole time.. I’ve been saying the same things I’m saying now for a lot longer than you might think, just.. differently. I chose you every single day since I met you and I will continue choosing you, Deens.
But, with all of that, it doesn’t take away the fact that I have deeply hurt you. Words cannot express how sorry I am, Deens. If I could go back in time and change everything, kick my own ass, force myself to slather you in the love that you so deserve every single day, I would in a heartbeat. I’d sacrifice everything for you. I would do anything for you. I hope one day I can start making it all up to you. I hope one day I can give you all of the love that you so deserve. I hope one day I can be worthy enough to be by your side once more. In the meantime, I will be waiting for you. In the meantime, I will continue staying down the street from you. In the meantime, I will continue speaking loving words about you. In the meantime, I will continue defending you. In the meantime, I will continue cheering you on.
You asked me “why now” in your letter. It’s never just been now. I’ve been expressing everything to you for so long. But I no longer want to hold back because I think my feelings will be unmet. I no longer want to hold back to protect myself. I don’t want to hold back because I think you may have moved on. I want to make it painstakingly obvious now in a way I couldn’t really before. So, now is because I’ve been tired of holding back for so long. Now is because I don’t want to let you slip through my fingers any longer. Now is because I realize you haven’t just moved on. Now is because I know you love me how I love you. Now is because I want you to know that I love you the way you love me before life passed us over. Now is because I can’t live life without you any longer. Now is because I’m simply crazy for you, can’t you see? Like I’ve said before and before and before and before, I will wait for you whether it’s months or decades from now. And if it just so happens that you never come home, then I will continue waiting until death, in death, and after death. I will always be waiting for you, Deens.
I love you, Pitchaporn Dnee Sirichantaropas
Leave a Reply