i feel like i try so hard. i try so hard. i try so hard to be there for others. for everyone. for anyone. i really fucking try. i feel like i try my hardest to live for something. anything. i don’t have anything to live for. i don’t live for anything. but at the same time i feel like i’m rejected for who i am. not the aspect of me that’s there for others, but my actual self. the child within me yearning for something. anything. i hate being unfiltered with others. i hate being vulnerable with others. not always. sometimes i really love it. it gives me hope. hope that i may actually have someone in my corner. hope that i’ll have someone i can actually go to. it never turns out though. maybe that’s selfish of me to want such a thing. is it selfish of me? i need to check my expectations. maybe nobody has anyone in their corner? i don’t know. i hate myself. i hate when i catch myself being unfiltered. i try to shove myself back in this tiny little wooden box. i hate myself. it seems as if this world would be better without me. it seems like i serve no purpose. no purpose for friends around me. no purpose for my family. no purpose for the good of the world. i feel as if my body is floating through deep sea. nothing around. silent. dark. yet not fully? it’s as if the moonlight is piercing through shining light on my drifting body. yet my mind and soul are being rained on heavily. a dark, heavy storm. trekking through muddied hills or sailing through thunderstorms struggling to survive. fighting forever stuck in an endless storm. maybe i’m just broken? i think i am broken. i am broken. broken in so many ways. i wish i followed in my dad’s footsteps that day.. he’d absolutely hate that i said that. i miss him so much. i don’t think i can go on much longer.
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