have you closed your heart off completely? it seems like you may have. what did you tell me back in the fall? don’t close your heart off completely.. i’ll tell you the same thing now. don’t close your heart off completely, deens.
you talk about the dangers of being tamed — you focus on those dangers as if you’re being careful with how you love. as if you’re being careful of who you’ll love. i’ll be stark. that is not how you love. living out of fear, loving out of fear, holding yourself back, pushing your feelings down.. you’re protecting yourself. and trust me, i understand that incredibly well since i’ve been doing the same thing for a long time. you say that you lost part of yourself. part of who you used to be. well, that is the part that you lost. i can see it in your facial expressions. i can see it in the way you speak. i can see it in your tone. i can see it in your mannerisms. you are so filtered now. you are so cold. you are so distant. and i don’t think it’s just with me. i see it in your posts. i see it when i spoke to you. i just see it in you now.. that is not you at all. that is not who you want to be. i’ve spoken about how i feel like i am myself again. i’ve said how i feel like you’re in a place that i was in. i can relate to you because what you are going through is exactly what i’ve been going through. fear. hurt. pain. anger. i wasn’t myself because i let those things take over. i changed how i thought and acted based on those things. you don’t love out of fear or expectation of anything. you love because you love. you act without expectation. you love without expectation. that is how you live. that is how you love.
if this is regarding us, let me tell you — it is not so black and white as you may think (maybe you don’t think it is, but humor me a little). you’ve talked about how you don’t have any regrets. when you say that i think of all of the things that i struggled with regarding you. regarding us. i’ll say again.. boston. do you regret that at all? do you regret how that affected me? do you know how it affected me? but it doesn’t start nor end there. that’s just the easiest example. i know i made mistakes, but know that you were nowhere near perfect either. from your own words, that was one of the lowest points in your life. again, i chose to love you. i chose to support you. i chose to stay. i chose all of that because of my true love for you. my unyielding love for you. when i got to my lowest, did you stick it out in the same manor? did you realize i was at my lowest? did you see me wither away? part of me feels like you didn’t. do remember when you hungout with me for the first time in awhile at the circle house and i clung onto you saying how much i missed you? you said you were giving me space.. i desperately didn’t need space. i needed support. i needed support for far longer than you’d probably think, but i never got that. maybe at one point i did. i say this because it’s not so black and white. you said you don’t regret anything because you gave it your all. did you give it your all for me or for you? if you gave it your all then why didn’t you support me? why weren’t you there for me? why did you put distance between us at times? the thing is, i chose to stay, to be there for, and to love you at your lowest regardless if you pushed me away or not. did you choose those things for me? at my lowest point you broke up with me. why didn’t you ask me how i was? why didn’t you talk to me about how you were feeling about us? why did you just cut us off? i’ve always been someone that wants to come together to talk through things because i know that we all are not perfect. not even close. i choose to stick things out out of love. not just with you but with family and friends too. i’ve been given so many reasons to cut people out of my life, and maybe that’d make my life easier, but that is not me. i choose love. i choose selflessness. don’t get me wrong. i think you tried your hardest. i don’t hold things against you. i’m saying these things because i feel like things are thought as so black and white between us. i feel like i tried so fucking hard for you but now that’s getting almost tarnished or undercut. i worked so so fucking hard to support you, to love you, to be there for you. i don’t mean to make you feel bad at all. i just need to voice my side. i did so much to support you, deens. i know it may not have been enough. i know you worked incredibly hard. but i worked so fucking hard too.
you’ve talked about how actions matter, they do, but again, it’s not so black and white. what actions have you taken to be there for others and show your love? what actions did you take to support me? what actions did you take to save our relationship? i know how you are. i’ve seen how you are in your friendships and all. you tend to shut down. you tend to clam up when you’re uncertain. i mean, even with us you started not wanting to confide in me because you didn’t want to put burdens on me even though i reassured you that i wanted you to confide in me over and over. even when i asked you about it. even when i pressed you. or when you gave me space when i desperately needed support. the point is nobody is perfect. it’s about trying your hardest. i’m trying my hardest for you. i know you have anger in your heart. i know you have pain. if you do then scream. scream at me. tell me about all of your pain. scream at me that i wasn’t there for you or that you didn’t feel love from me. fucking scream at me. SCREAM… because if you don’t then it will sit in your heart for a long time. trust me.. it’s been years for me. that’s why i’ve been screaming. at the end of the day, i’m not letting my feelings and the things of the past get in the way anymore. i don’t want to be subject to those things. that’s why i’m acting. that’s why i’m screaming. that’s why i’m pushing. that’s why i’m going to thailand. that’s why i’m writing to you. that’s why i’m doing all of this. i’m acting. maybe it’s too late for you, but i’d like to think it’s not. is the love we had not worth it to you? is it not worth another try? is it not worth setting aside one’s ego? is it not worth questioning things? i’ll continue acting and making gestures no matter how grand or minor. i’ll continue thinking of you. i’ll continue writing to you. i’ll continue making you anklets and other little things with thought behind it. i’ll continue going to thailand with the hopes that one day you’ll see me. i’ll continue bleeding my heart to you. i’m not in the game of protecting myself anymore. that’s way too exhausting. because it’s not what i wanted. how do you expect to love and find love with walls up? how do you expect to love and find love while constantly protecting yourself? just love is worth it. just love is all you need.
if this isn’t regarding us then i’m sorry for the assumption. consider this my rant at this point. i don’t know what the fuck i’m talking about.
i’m stark because i know how stubborn you can be. i know that once you make up your mind you really double down. but i know that all of that, the living out of fear, etc, etc, is not really you. i know how open minded you are. i know how you learn and grow. you being stubborn and doubling down is you protecting yourself. you having strong convictions in this regard is you protecting yourself because if you have strong convictions out of pain then your convictions are reactionary. (maybe this last sentence is wrong. maybe this is me lashing out. it definitely may be.)
if there’s one thing that i know, it’s that you aren’t truly living with the feelings you have inside of yourself right now. you’re living out of fear, anger, and hurt. that’s how i’ve been living for the past three years. i can see how you’ve lost hope. i can see that you’re in despair. i can see you trying to lie to yourself about it too. all of the social media posts. all of the consumption. all of the distractions. if i’m wrong then scream at me and tell me that i’m wrong.. but trust me, i know what coping looks like probably better than most.
let me end with this. no matter how much you try to push me away. no matter how much you try to protect yourself (this sounds kinda bad, but hooold). no matter how much you try to push your feelings down. no matter how bitter or angry or any of that you may be or get. i will be here for you. i will love you. i will always keep my heart open to you. i will love you forever. you are the only one i will marry or have kids with (this part is more of a for me thing). you are that person to me.
one more thing (i suck at writing lmao). last we spoke i said that i was the little prince and you were the rose. i said that you were the rose because you were special to me. you told me that the point was that there were millions just like that rose.. that the main rose wasn’t special. i disagree. the whole point of that rose being special to the little prince is not because his rose is essentially different from other roses, but because he has developed a relationship with his particular rose by watering her and otherwise tending to her needs. it is the little prince’s relationship with his rose that makes her unique to him and this relationship is what makes his life worth living. this is why you are the rose to me. this is why i feel like i’m the little prince.
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