you said what kept you going was that we had our whole lives ahead of us. that maybe one day if our paths cross again. could this not be that? are our paths not crossing? do you not want them to cross? you might be on your own path right now i guess. a path that’s running parallel to mine. here i am desperately trying to crash into your path. what’s the point of holding back? if holding back is so painful, then why?
you’ve said that you needed to figure out what you wanted in a relationship. i’ve had plenty of opportunities to live a stable, comfortable, incredibly middle class life with others, yet it always felt so wrong. like things just didn’t fit. they fit in certain ways, but so much was missing. we’d get along well in certain regards – interests, anime, cooking, baking, etc, etc, etc, but so much was missing. core values. love. the things that are truly important to me. the feelings i experience when watching orange or kiznaiver. loving the things each other loves. curiosity. finding the beauty in all of life. loving life. loving to learn. these things, among more, are so much deeper. but ultimately, it’s the feeling that they just fit. the feeling of unyielding love that i just can’t explain. the feeling of truly living for the first time in my life after meeting someone. the feeling of every single door in the world blasting open for myself. the feeling of wanting to live. the feeling of having my whole universe flipped on it’s head.. i’ve found out for myself that nothing else really matters except for love and values. everything else should fall into place. things may get in the way, but eventually things settle down and fall into place. you were right. love is enough. love is really all you need.
i find myself clinging to all of your words. i’ve always clung to your words. to be fair, that’s just the kind of person i am. words are important. meaning is important. i always remember and cling to the words people say to me. i’ll remember things that people told me years and years and years ago and continue clinging onto them years and years and years later because i find words to be important. i guess i continue fighting for you because of your words. because your words clash like there’s an internal struggle within you. what are you struggling over? what are you struggling for? i’m struggling for the person i want to be. i’m struggling for the feelings i have..
here i am still thrashing about. i’ll never stop. i’ll never stop fighting.
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