gettin schwifty

i miss the way we would talk about anything and everything. Our conversations about politics, math, drama, life, video games, anime (when we talked about attack on titan or when you asked me who my favorite character in hunter x hunter was), etc

i miss the look in your eyes. the fierce fiery look like you wouldn’t give up. the innocent sparkle in your eyes like you were full of hope.

i miss joking with you. bursting into laughter about anything and everything. dp when i was sick. hell yeah, brother. shiritori. anomia and screaming, source, hey alexa. was it alexa? just everything. the last time we talked on the phone there was some semblance of how we used to talk. i heard you laugh like you used to. i heard you let down your guard.

i miss your voice more than you know. your voice brings me so much joy. it really always has.

i miss cooking for you. i miss cooking omurice for you. with every bite you’d exclaim, mmmmmmm!! and shrug your shoulders. it’s a hug from inside your mouth.

i miss your touch. your touch was always so warming to me. even when i didn’t always want to cuddle, touching you was something i looked forward to.

i miss hugging you, squeezing you, cuddling you. you feel like home. you always have.

i miss being intimate with you. i’ve never been so comfortable in my life with someone. i felt like we could do anything and we’d both just dive right in for one another.

to be honest, i felt like we could do anything with one another in general. we’d follow each other into the abyss. we both are always so down to do anything. to try new things.

i miss kissing you. kissing you was always so liberating. like getting lost in between breaths. time stopping. i could kiss you for an eternity. i could die kissing you and be so incredibly happy.

i miss sharing our interests with one another. more often than not our interests aligned. the little prince is something core to you. i watched it when it first came out and fell in love with the movie. often times we’d come to similar conclusions. maybe we’d think different things than one another, but it’d be such an enlightening experience.

i miss getting you into anime. remember when we watched orange and kiznaiver together? i fell in love with you all over again during that. i remember looking at you while you cried and thinking to myself “damn, i’m so fucking in love with her”. it’s because you know how to feel your feelings. it’s because you had the same feelings about those shows that i did while watching them. but it’s more than that. you’re willing to feel them in front of people. maybe not so willing. i remember you saying you wish you didn’t at times but you couldn’t control it. i’m so envious of that though. i wish i was able to feel my feelings for more of my life. i wish i was able to bare my soul to more people. it’s only been this past year that i’ve gotten better at those things. again, i’ve cried more in april than i have in my entire life..

i miss how excited you would get about anything and everything. i feel like you and i are extremely similar in that regard. you’re just cuter when you get excited hehe. it’s like we find everything interesting and when there’s a connection that we make we get extremely excited.

i miss learning with you. we both love to learn. i know that’s a core value for you. it is for me to. we have the same core values. kindness. learning. forgiveness.

i miss how you wore all of my clothes. you didn’t care about the way i looked. you loved what i loved and you took it on yourself. i love that aspect of you

i miss your sleepy self. how groggy you were when you would wake up.

i miss being on the phone with you while i just lived. you liked listening to my world. me typing on my keyboard. me breathing. my cats meowing. it brought you comfort.

i miss being on the phone with you when you couldn’t sleep. you’d always sleep so fast. i’d stay on the phone for hours. the sounds you’d make would warm my heart. when was the last time we did that? october, 2024. it feels like it wasn’t that long ago, but then again, it feels like it’s been forever.

i miss going to the haunted corn maze with you. getting scared together. pulling you through the corn maze. i miss things like that so much.

i miss how in love with, not just me, but with everything surrounding me you were. how you loved my cats just as much as i did. how you loved my friends just as much as i did. how you loved the subjects i was interested in just how much i did. i feel like it comes from our similarities, but you also just love to love. i love to love too, but for you it’s something kinda different.

i miss your presence. your presence is so comforting to me. just having you around really completes my life. it’s like having sylv and jij hanging out. family. comfort. home.

i miss so much more about you than you could ever know. when i’ve said that not a day goes by that i haven’t thought about you, i mean not a single day has gone by in which you haven’t occupied my mind. this isn’t just this past year either. it’s been for a long time.

i miss my best friend. you were, without a doubt, my best friend. you are, without a doubt, the love of my life. i have missed you more than you know. i have notes throughout the years of how painful all of this has been. rather than letting you know i would write them down. i thought that i couldn’t burden you with more things. you were already going through so much. i’m sorry i kept that from you.

i know the girl you are. i know who you are. it breaks my heart that you have no hope for us. i feel like you and i are extremely similar, so why does it feel like you don’t understand me. like you haven’t understood me for some time. maybe you do actually. why does it feel like you left me behind during some of the hardest times of my life? i guess maybe i feel a little betrayed. i stuck through some of the hardest fucking times of your life. like some hard hard fucking times. i think back to me pleading with you.. “why can’t i feel my feelings? am i not allowed to feel my feelings?”. i guess part of me yearns for someone who would stick it out for me, but i have my doubts that that will ever happened. who will forgive me like i forgive others. who will come together with me no matter what. yeah, my heart hurts. yeah, i made mistakes. i know i made you feel unloved. i had been screaming for years yet my screams went unheard. you left and i continued screaming. i screamed and screamed for the past 3-4 years and i got nowhere. no one cared. not my best friends, not my roommates, not my family, not you. i got exhausted. i got cynical. i got pessimistic. but like, how could i not turn out that way after years of my closest people trampling over my feelings? idk. i guess i wish you would stick it out for me. i did so much for you. i stuck it out through the actual hardest times of my life. i stuck it out while being traumatized. it hurts that after doing so much my love gets questioned. after doing so much i get chalked up to not doing a lot for you. you did all of the work. i know you did so much work, especially this past year or two. you’ve done a tone of work throughout all of the years tbh, but i was there. i supported you in so many ways. then it hurts because it’s like, well where’s my support? that’s why i’ve felt alone for my entire life. not because i haven’t actually been supported, but because i’ve felt like nobody sees me. nobody understands me. nobody listens to my words. everyone sees a guy that’s put together, responsible, reliable, etc. i continue screaming and pleading for my life and they don’t hear my words. oh, he’ll get through it. he’ll figure it out. and i do, but at what cost? really it’s the cost of my soul. how my soul gets so tarnished. i’m there for everyone and nobody is there for me. again, like in the hearing me, seeing me, etc aspect. like i’m the last one left on the deserted island because i’ll survive. yeah, i’ll survive, but i’ll be going through hell to do so. idk. just a big boi with large feelings.

i feel like we’re going back and forth trying to protect ourselves. i know i probably started it. it sucks because i could never not love you. you want me to treat you like a friend, but i just can’t. i can’t change how i feel about you. i will always show you love, or at least try to. i can’t just put up walls with how i talk to you. i can’t take away all of the feelings i’ve had towards you. i can’t just all of a sudden change how i feel about you. i can’t even change how i feel about you over time. i’ll always love you. you’ll always be a huge part of my life

it’s been hard for awhile because i see all of the things that you’ve been doing with all of the people you’ve been doing them with over the past year or two. it feels like you moved on so easy whereas i’ve just kinda been hurting a ton. it feels like all of this doesn’t really affect you. i don’t really affect you. idk. i wonder where things went wrong and why especially because we had so much love for each other. idk. here i am just.. idk