my heart hurts. my body hurts. my being hurts. it’s not like i don’t want to heal or anything. it almost feels like i’m grieving a lost loved one.. a lost soulmate. but she’s still out there alive. i’ve been grieving for a long fucking time now. idk. i can live without her, i can try to move on, i can try to find someone else, but i don’t think that’ll really work. i feel like nothing will compare to life with her. it’s like, i lived life before in such a colorless way. she makes me truly want to live. like actually live. idk how to really explain it. i lived life incredibly negative, then positive, but always with a set “plan” like i’m a cog. i’ve never felt the way i feel about her for anyone else and i don’t believe i ever will. i’ve loved in the past, but it’s just such a different feeling. the only thing i can chalk it up to is her being my soulmate and i’ve never believed in that before. life is hardly wonderful without her. it has it’s moments, sure, but the basis of my life is hardly wonderful.
i feel myself running down the path of “detachment” or “freedom”. i feel like the past three to four years I’ve just been trying to hold on for dear life to everything dear to me and it feels like nobody really held on for me. i know that’s not fully true, but it’s like i held on for so long, struggled for so long, and now i don’t have anything. which is okay i guess. i probably shouldn’t have struggled so hard for so long. but it kind of reinforces the idea in my head that my life doesn’t matter. i mean, the only reason why i’m on this planet is for others and if i don’t live for others anymore then i just shouldn’t live. i have no reason really. i don’t care about my life, i never have, but now i don’t care about my future. i held onto the idea of trying to make my future better so that i could be there for others. i don’t hold onto that anymore. i couldn’t care less if i were setup for the rest of my life or not anymore. i don’t care about saving nor buying a house nor advancing my career nor anything. i think it’s dangerous because i have nothing holding me to this earth.. i don’t really mind. i feel myself living fast and dangerously. i feel myself isolating in ways. mainly living in isolation. kinda like keeping everyone away? not really that. maybe not waiting up. i’ll always be there for others, even if it’s a detriment to me. i don’t care if it impacts my living negatively anymore. but it feel like i’m not living for others anymore. like memories with others or living beside other. idk.
today was a day that i stopped feeling numb. this will always pain me. i may learn to live with it or not, but it will always be a gaping hole in my heart.
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