Welp. Here we are. Back in the US. Back to working at my desk and cafes. Back to Sylv sitting on the piano stool to the left of me looking out the window. Back to the gym. Back to business. Routine. I’ve been feeling a bit numb the past few days. More like an empty husk of myself. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t fully feel my feelings, though they seep through. I don’t smile. I don’t cry. I don’t feel anger. I’m not kicking and screaming like I was. Although I’ve been feeling numb, I have this underlying discomfort seeping beneath. This pain sitting in my heart. Specifically kinda in the left ventricle.. you know, the part of the heart that kinda lumps out? Haha. It’s a sitting pain. Not dull. Like there’s a knife stuck, stabbing through it, and any movement I make feels extremely sharp and heavy. A discomfort for sure. This always happens. We kind of go numb, are able to function, breakdown at random times, and eventually I will just really breakdown heavy for a few days to weeks where I’m unable to function fully. I cry heavy, I don’t eat, and I just hurt. A really deep hurt. A really deep longing. I hate this feeling, but we have to learn how to live with it I guess.
On the bright side, change is coming to my life in troves. I’ll be getting rid of most of my things. I’ll be traveling nonstop. I’ll be moving. We’re moving on from trying to do things with others/living life surrounded by others to really fucking off. The feeling reminds me of what anjin-sama said about sailing.. freedom. It reminds me of detachment. Disappearing. Like really disappearing. That’s all. Maybe I’ll disappear fully. Maybe it’ll happen sooner rather than later. We’ll see what happens.
Am I just running away? I guess, find out next time.
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