I’ve been conflicted, since the beginning, whether I should “save” you or let you face yourself. Of course I wanted to, but then part of me always thought that you needed to face yourself, face Thailand, face your family, even if it was incredibly difficult to do so. Maybe it wasn’t my place to have these thoughts. I should’ve supported you the way you needed me to. I look at your life from the outside now and you’re actually able to be a part of your family. You’re able to live in Thailand. You’re able to grow and move forward. I feel like if I continued to “save” you that I’d be holding you back from something you would eventually need to face. Like things wouldn’t be better until you faced yourself. I wish, with my whole heart, that I could’ve been selfish, asked you to marry me, and had you move into a place with me, but I couldn’t. I felt as if I would’ve been holding you back from yourself. And maybe I was wrong. Maybe all of that could’ve happened and things would’ve turned out incredible. But then I felt like I wouldn’t ever know a massive part of who you are. Thailand. Your family. I’ve been conflicted about a lot of things in my life, but this one really fucked me up. I should’ve talked to you about it like this but it was incredibly difficult to do so. How do I have this conversation with you when it feels like I’m shattering your whole world. Your whole being. When you’re begging me to save you. I didn’t know how at the time. I think now I do. I’m able to have conversations like this a lot easier now especially with loved ones. Although a little too late.. I’m deeply sorry for not being strong when you needed me to be.
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