Category: Uncategorized

Deens,

I’m sorry for dumping so much onto you. This will be the last thing for awhile. I hope you read this.

I have so many emotions swirling within me. Anger, frustration, sadness, despair, hope.. the feeling of being forgotten or unseen. At the end of the day I’m sad.

I’ve been unseen for so long. Maybe part of that resides with me — I know part of it does.. But there’s definitely a big part that resides with others. Maybe that’s okay. Why should I expect others to see or understand me? Why should I expect others to remember? Why should I expect others to see me when I’m pleading for my life? Why should I expect others to piece together that I am at the edge when I’m constantly saying how much I hate my life? How much I hate my home? How much I hate existence?

I feel so much anger because I feel unseen. It’s been with friends and loved ones over the years where I felt like I had no home.. no place in this world.. but right now that feeling resides with you, deens. It has resided with you for awhile, but not entirely. Only certain things so it didn’t matter as much, but now that I’m actually in a place where I’m not constantly at war, I guess it does matter. It’s always mattered, but you gave me a home — you gave me comfort — until you left. I’ve had these feeling for such a long time.. I don’t know why I’m saying all of this now. Maybe it’s because you have a resemblance of stability and loved ones there for you that I feel like I can be unfiltered with you..

See, ever since I met you I felt like I was the only pillar holding you up. I took you in when your relationship collapsed and you had no where else to go. I supported you when your college stuff happened and your future plans fell apart. I helped you pack for your inevitable trip back home. I supported you when you wanted nothing to do with your parents. I was there for you when you and your closest friends had a major falling out. I supported you financially and gave you a home. I was there for you, holding your lifeless, foaming out of the mouth, body throughout the night. I tried my hardest talking you out of suicide for years, trying to support you. I was there for you constantly throughout your darkest times. All of this while going through so much pain of my own with my friends and family as well. And while I know all of this affected you deeply, it also affected me. But being the only pillar holding you up wasn’t a bad thing. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I want to be someone supporting you. But because I felt like I was the only pillar holding you up, I felt like I couldn’t fully be unfiltered with you. I couldn’t put my burdens onto you. I couldn’t add more because I was afraid you couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to be a source of pain for you. I really wish I did share my burdens with you.

One reason why I know you don’t fully understand me is because whenever yours and Ian’s conversations about drugs gets brought up you always get defensive and never think it’s a big deal. I guess for you and him it was all fun and games — just degenerate things.. but for me it was life and death regarding the person I love most in this world. For me it was enabling you while you were at your darkest. For me it came with countless hours and days of trying to give you a reason to live. For me it came with nightmarish images of waking up to you overdosing.. but you never understood that. I’ve tried expressing it over the years.. desperately so. I don’t think I was the best at that though. I was scared to be too harsh with you. I was scared to push you over the edge. I should’ve been a lot more up front but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, in between the pleading with you, I withdrew. I know that was wrong. I deeply regret that. It always hurt though. Ever since I’ve known you I’ve expressed to you, “Why can’t I feel my feelings? Why am I not allowed to?”.. with more context it makes sense that I had the feeling like the weight of the world, your world, was on my shoulders. I don’t think it fully had to be, I know you’re a lot stronger than that, but at the time I don’t think I could’ve thought any other way. I was pushed to the brink of emotional turmoil dealing with the things that deeply affected me between my friends and family and I while trying my hardest to make sure the person that I love most in this world doesn’t die in my arms. But there’s more to it than just that as well.

When you came back the first time you said I was mean. I was mean. You leaving affected me a lot more deeply than I could’ve thought. I was alone in this world. The one person who did somewhat understand me and cared was gone. The one person that brought me comfort wasn’t in my life anymore. I was in so much pain trying my hardest to survive. I was down the path of hating humanity again.. hating everyone and everything. Somewhere down the line after you came back, distance had grown between us even though we lived together. I had been in my head so much regarding my friends and family — my heart was hurting tremendously.. I remember the day you came upstairs and hungout with me. Do you remember what I said? “I missed you. I want you here with me. I want you around me”. In your mind you thought I needed space. I desperately needed support. And I know that’s not on you. How would you know? I didn’t do such a good job of communicating that, but I think I did try. After that day we had started hanging out again, watching anime, playing video games, and just being around each other. I think those times are the happiest I’ve been. But then you had to leave again.. This time was even worse than the last. Major family fights and stress being put on me. I can’t count how many times I have broken down since then. That was really the point where I broke. I tried expressing to you what I had been going through, but I, again, felt like the only pillar holding you up. I felt like I had to be the strong and stable one for you thus putting my own feelings aside. I danced this line of expressing the things that affected me while trying to be strong. Eventually I withdrew. Paul having passed away shortly after you left, my sister saying incredibly nasty things and having to try to rekindle that relationship over and over and over, and so on while still trying to talk you down from the edge and feeling so powerless yet feeling like you wanted me to, needed me to, save you and fix everything.. I eventually couldn’t be strong for the both of us. I broke. I couldn’t handle it all. The amount of stress and pain I experienced and for so long was way too much. The words, “why can’t you save me”, while you were crying ring in my mind till this day. How could I save you? I couldn’t even save myself. The countless times I broke down. The countless times I drank my feelings away. The countless times I had to talk myself down from the edge. I don’t know if you remember, but there came a point in time where I started staying in the bathroom for extended periods of time. Those were the times I’d breakdown. Those were the times I was in so much pain and I was letting it out. Those were the times I had to try to talk myself out of taking my own life. If I had a place in my life where I could’ve been able to breath, I think things would’ve been different. If I didn’t have my friends and family constantly putting me through traumatic experience after traumatic experience, I think things would’ve been drastically different. But none of this is on you. I wasn’t strong enough. Somewhere along the line I had started not trusting anyone and started closing my heart. I started isolating because everything was too much. After we broke up I felt like communication between you and I became a lot better. I feel like any underlying tensions we had previously were gone. It felt like we were able to talk more. But I know there was still pain. I know it was causing you pain. It was causing me pain too. But talking with you was something I looked forward to all the time despite the pain of feeling like you rejected me.. despite the feeling of you moving on.. despite me thinking that you didn’t want me anymore.. but I know you and I had been going through the same things. I know you and I had very similar feelings. I know you and I have the same feelings. I wish I had said all of this last fall, summer, spring, after you broke up with me. I’m kicking myself for thinking that you just didn’t want me. But, I know that if we tried again things would be drastically different. I know they’d be a lot better. I know they’d be a lot better for both you and I.

Of course this doesn’t encompass everything — it’s just a little peer into my deeply pained brain. I don’t even know why I’m expressing this, but I think it’s better to express it rather than keeping it in the dark. Part of me hopes you’ll understand more of why things happened the way they happened. Part of me hopes that you’ll see that I didn’t lose any love for you. But I don’t know. Part of this is a response to — “If someone loves you, you will know. I believe that with all my heart. If they love you, you will know. I didn’t feel loved at the end of our relationship. I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m doubting myself and my worth. If the person who claims they love you won’t even call you back?”. I don’t think that you will always know that someone loves you. I don’t think relationships are as simple as that. Human emotions, communication, relationships, conflicts, perspective, values.. it’s all so much more complicated than just “you’ll know”. I think you’d understand that as well. I questioned your love for me at times. Was I just a crutch for her? Was I an easy way towards her dreams? Will she leave me for someone better once they come along? Am I just a stepping stone of support between her previous relationship and her next? Am I just the person she’s clinging onto because her world is falling apart? For all I know she’s in it for my life not for me. I know none of those things are true, don’t get me wrong. In the middle of the pain and stress that weighed on me so heavily, I went crazy. I doubted everything. I doubted myself. I doubted you. I didn’t trust anyone. I started closing my heart from the moment you left for the first time, I just hadn’t realized it. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that you will know. This may be just an assumption, but I think you still love me now. You love me now and won’t talk to me. You love me now and won’t call me. If I’m wrong than disregard that, but I don’t think I am. But the point is, if I am right in that, you’re not not talking to me because you don’t love me. I think you’re not talking to me because you love me so but you chose to part ways. I think that you’re at war with yourself to be honest (look at me analyzing you to try to have some resemblance of connection to you. A little cope for dev.). But even so, if you would know that I loved you then the amount I took on for you should tell you just how much I do love you. It should tell you that I’m willing to sacrifice my sanity for you. I’m willing to perish for you. And throughout all of that sacrificing of my sanity and drowning, I continued to choose you. I continued to drown just so I could be with you. I continued on with that pain and trauma simply for you. But I know you didn’t know half of the things that I was going through — that was going through my head. I know you still don’t. Even today, traveling across this Earth to be with you, you should know that you mean the world to me. Through my texts and the phone calls over this past year and a half, to the letters, you should know. “I miss you” — “I wish things were different” — “I’ve been thinking about you” — “I never wanna let you go. Just hold you tight forever” — “Goodnight love” — “Good morning love” — “Wishing you were here” — “Miss you Deens” — “I hope you had the lovelies day, Deens” — “I wish you were here” — “Thinking about you a lot” — “I’m struggling” — “I miss you so fucking much” — “You have every right to call me. I think about reaching out, but I guess I got in my head that you’ve moved on. That you’re living your own wonderful life without me.” — “I miss you an unimaginable amount” — “I think about you everyday” — Yeah I do.. It breaks my heart whenever we don’t talk. It’s been hard for me too” — “I’ve been missing you a ton.. I hope you’re doing well, Deens” — “I miss you a ton.. I hope you’re doing well” — “I miss you a ton” — “I miss you and wish things were different too” — “No no. You’re def not an idiot.. I think I’m the idiot tbh” — “I’m just struggling”… some of the messages I’ve sent to you over the past year and a half among calling you for hours on end, you falling asleep on the phone with me, etc. And all of that met with the same from you. You’ve been experiencing the same thing. But know, I’ve been going crazy for a lot longer than just these past few months. I’ve been this crazy the whole time.. I’ve been saying the same things I’m saying now for a lot longer than you might think, just.. differently. I chose you every single day since I met you and I will continue choosing you, Deens.

But, with all of that, it doesn’t take away the fact that I have deeply hurt you. Words cannot express how sorry I am, Deens. If I could go back in time and change everything, kick my own ass, force myself to slather you in the love that you so deserve every single day, I would in a heartbeat. I’d sacrifice everything for you. I would do anything for you. I hope one day I can start making it all up to you. I hope one day I can give you all of the love that you so deserve. I hope one day I can be worthy enough to be by your side once more. In the meantime, I will be waiting for you. In the meantime, I will continue staying down the street from you. In the meantime, I will continue speaking loving words about you. In the meantime, I will continue defending you. In the meantime, I will continue cheering you on.

Part of me doesn’t understand what’s holding you back. Part of me does. I don’t think I deserve you. I don’t think I’m worthy of you. I have so many issues that I’ve been trying to work through. But, I do believe in our love. I do believe in you. I do believe in us. I know you have too. I know part of you does. I know you don’t want to be hurt anymore. But I think our love is worth another try, don’t you? I don’t want to live life with a massive what if. I don’t want to live life with regret in the future that I held back. That I didn’t do anything and everything in my power to fight for you. To express my feelings to you. To bare my soul to you. I’m not going to runaway. I’m not going to just let things be. I can’t or else I know that I would regret everything for the rest of my life.

You asked me “why now” in your letter. It’s never just been now. I’ve been expressing everything to you for so long. But I no longer want to hold back because I think my feelings will be unmet. I no longer want to hold back to protect myself. I don’t want to hold back because I think you may have moved on. I want to make it painstakingly obvious now in a way I couldn’t really before. So, now is because I’ve been tired of holding back for so long. Now is because I don’t want to let you slip through my fingers any longer. Now is because I realize you haven’t just moved on. Now is because I know you love me how I love you. Now is because I want you to know that I love you the way you love me before life passes us over. Now is because I can’t live life without you any longer. Now is because I’m simply crazy for you, can’t you see? I’ve always been crazy for you. I know I’m not perfect. I’m nowhere even close to perfect. I don’t even know why you loved me the way you did. I don’t know how I got so lucky to even catch your eye. I am no where worthy of your love, but even so, I want it anyway. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be in so much pain. From the bottom of my heart, I could never love another soul the way that I love yours. I can try to describe my love for you and put it into words, but no words will ever come close to the feelings I have for you. Many people may possess qualities that you have. Many people may be similar to you. Many people may be easier than you or more stable than you or have their lives more put together or this or that.. But they just aren’t you. You, who gives me nothing now, who may give me nothing forever, are so much better than anyone else. With that, I will wait for you for however long it may take. With that, I will suffer a life of loneliness. With that, I will suffer a life of pain. Because I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else. Because I want you to stand there. Because I simply love you the way I cannot love anyone else. And if I end up waiting until my death, just know, I will be waiting in my next life as well. I will always be waiting for you to come home, babygirl.

But know, if I’m able to hold you once more, I will never let you go again. Will you be mine once more?

I love you, Pitchaporn Dnee Sirichantaropas

July 15, 2025
i truly am such a fool

July 15, 2025
where did i go so wrong?

i feel like i try so hard. i try so hard. i try so hard to be there for others. for everyone. for anyone. i really fucking try. i feel like i try my hardest to live for something. anything. i don’t have anything to live for. i don’t live for anything. but at the same time i feel like i’m rejected for who i am. not the aspect of me that’s there for others, but my actual self. the child within me yearning for something. anything. i hate being unfiltered with others. i hate being vulnerable with others. not always. sometimes i really love it. it gives me hope. hope that i may actually have someone in my corner. hope that i’ll have someone i can actually go to. it never turns out though. maybe that’s selfish of me to want such a thing. is it selfish of me? i need to check my expectations. maybe nobody has anyone in their corner? i don’t know. i hate myself. i hate when i catch myself being unfiltered. i try to shove myself back in this tiny little wooden box. i hate myself. it seems as if this world would be better without me. it seems like i serve no purpose. no purpose for friends around me. no purpose for my family. no purpose for the good of the world. i feel as if my body is floating through deep sea. nothing around. silent. dark. yet not fully? it’s as if the moonlight is piercing through shining light on my drifting body. yet my mind and soul are being rained on heavily. a dark, heavy storm. trekking through muddied hills or sailing through thunderstorms struggling to survive. fighting forever stuck in an endless storm. maybe i’m just broken? i think i am broken. i am broken. broken in so many ways. i wish i followed in my dad’s footsteps that day.. he’d absolutely hate that i said that. i miss him so much. i don’t think i can go on much longer.

June 29, 2025
I fear as if you met someone else. I fear that’s why we stopped talking. I fear you don’t think of me anymore. I fear as if my fears of being replaceable are incredibly valid. I fear I’ve been replaced.. erased from existence. The memories of myself erased. The being of myself erased. The meaning of myself erased. Utterly and tragically erased. The urge to give in is eating away at my very soul..

But then again, this is probably just an insignificant, unchanging, solo battle. Because in the end my wars are just that.. mine

June 25, 2025
Can we talk again? Will you call me? Will you reach out? I’m conflicted about reaching out since you made it clear before. Since you blocked me. Idk. I’m so conflicted about everything

June 22, 2025
do you still think about me?

every night, before i go to sleep, when i’m laying in bed staring at the wall in front of me or while i’m on my phone or when i’m on my computer, i think of you. i think of you cuddled up next to me. i think of how you interact with sylvie and jiji. i think about what you’re doing right then or how you’re feeling. every day when i awake i wonder how you slept. i look to my side longing to wake up beside you once more. longing for you to pull me into bed to continue cuddling. i wonder what you have going on that day. i wonder what shows you’ve watched or books you’ve read. i wonder if there have been any crazy plot twists that have made you gasp. i wonder if there is anything that has made you cry. everyday you continue to occupy my mind. i can’t remember the last day i haven’t thought of you. it’s probably before you sent that craaazzzyyy message to me on bumble. our first interaction. i wonder if you’ve moved on..

i’m still heartbroken.

i wonder if i cross your mind anymore. i wonder if you’ll still think of me the same way you did before. as i do you. i wonder if you’ll see me the same way. i’ afraid that everything will always be different between us. i guess that’d be fate though. in a world filled with endless possibilities, endless horrors, endless beauties, endless opportunities, the only thing i can imagine is you. it’s always been you. i wonder if you’ll ever be able to set your sights on me again. i have so many questions. i speculate. i’m so in my head about things. everything. i’m truly still crazy regarding you aren’t i? no matter how things settle down or stir up, i fear i’ll forever be crazy.

i feel as if my heart is dropping from a skyscraper. my heart wells up as my eyes follow suit. beating faster and faster, i feel as if it’s drowning. an overwhelming feeling i’ve felt way too often. afraid of never seeing you nor talking to you again, yet, afraid of what walking through the doors may entail.

“i’ll be waiting”

June 18, 2025
will you wait three weeks for me?

June 14, 2025
It kills me. I don’t know if you’re referring to me or not. I like to think you are, but I don’t know. I don’t believe that anyone would value myself that much. Like I don’t make an impact on other’s lives. Why would you be waiting for me? Why would you be looking for me in others? That can’t be right. I hope it is. It probably isn’t though. Idk. I really fucking hope it is. I do this a lot though. I downplay myself. I tell people things about myself and am always shocked when they remember it. Like I think that people don’t retain anything about myself. I think it’s because I don’t value myself. I think it’s because I think lowly of myself. How can others think highly of me? They must not. I’m invisible..

I fly in July 5. I hope you’re waiting for me. I hope you’re looking for me. I’m waiting for you. I’m looking for you. I’ll be there. July 5-18. I’ll be there.

June 12, 2025
I’ve been sad. Incredibly so. I’ve been numb. Incredibly so. I’ve been crashing out hard lately. Tired of letting life pass me by. Tired of letting my feelings come second. Tired of living for others on others’ accord. I’ve been focused on expressing myself. Pleading that you’ll understand. Pleading. I’ve bounced back and forth on whether I should or not. Whether I should focus on pleading to you. Every time I write I feel embarrassed. I feel like I’m just throwing a tantrum. Like I’ve just been aimlessly thrashing about. I think in some aspects it’s good. I feel embarrassed because it’s not who I am. It is when I’m alone, but less thrashy. I deliberate a lot in my own head. I question whether my feelings are valid and I play through scenarios from all angles, but I don’t express my raw, unprocessed feelings. So I feel incredibly embarrassed. Part of me feels scared that I’ll be rejected because of my feelings. Like I’ll be seen differently. Like my raw self will be rejected. I know my writing has been incredibly messy and all over the place. Thoughts jump about. The words that I use are simple and repeated. My sentence structure is elementary and incorrect. It’s unprocessed.

”I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched” – Edgar Allen Poe

I’ve questioned myself a lot about the past couple years. Did I try my hardest? Did I show you love? Was I there for you? Did I help you at all? These are the major questions I’ve asked myself, among others, especially after you sent me your word document. I think a lot of how you feel has made me question everything on my side. It’s put doubt in my mind about my love. It’s put doubt in my mind about who I am. I don’t know if you just stopped seeing the love and effort I put forth or if you’re downplaying it for whatever reason. I don’t know. I loved you a lot. I loved you hard. I supported you financially. I gave you a home. I helped you move. I helped you with your flights. I spent most of my time talking with you, talking things out, talking through things, trying to help you, talking with others to figure out how to help you, talking with my boss to figure out sponsorship stuff, standing up for you to others without you knowing, fighting for you regarding friend drama, fighting for you in so many ways. Even when you were in Thailand I spent countless days, weeks, months, years fighting for you. Every time I spoke to my boss we’d discuss potential jobs for you. Every time you were brought up with friends and family I either defended you or spoke about you in such a loving manner. When Lily questioned y’all’s friendship I defended you. I bought tickets to Thailand multiple times to have me visiting fall through because you didn’t think you could take me leaving you again. Thousands of dollars worth of tickets unused. I wanted to fly out to you April 2024 and you said the same thing. I’ve been there for you in so many ways. It hurts when you downplay all of that. I ran myself into the ground trying to take on too much, but I always fought for you. Always.

I feel as if I’m very open with my feelings and thoughts. The problem is, I don’t think people understand my feelings and thoughts. I think people have this underlying thought about me that I can take it, that I’m resilient, and it ultimately downplays my emotions. Just because I’ve been resilient doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me. It doesn’t mean that it’s not still incredibly tough on me. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t wear me down. Just because I don’t cry doesn’t mean my heart can handle it. I feel like I’ve pleaded with you, with many, about how I’m at my wits end, yet I feel as if you, nor nobody else, believes me. It’s as if my composure is masking the storm within in which nobody can truly come understand.

Layton sent me a post about how I show love.

”You love like it’s a secret worth protecting. Not loud, not flashy — just deeply real. You speak through small gestures, not grand declarations. You make people feel chosen, even in silence. Because your love isn’t for everyone it’s for the ones who stay.”

This resonated with me in a lot of ways. I wondered why Layton sent this to me. I asked him. He still hasn’t responded. But he sent it to me when I really needed it. I’ve asked myself if my love wasn’t enough. If I loved wrong. I don’t think I do. I think I’m the type of person who always stays — who will always be there for people. I think I’m incredibly consistent in my love. I think my love is me choosing the people that I do love regardless of the impact on me. I love deeply. I love greatly. I love consistently. I love constantly. My love is the type of love that will always be there for others. My love is the type of love where I buy or make things for people because something reminded me of them. My love is the type that will always reach out regardless of anything that’s happened between us. At the end of the day, my love is forever. My love doesn’t disappear for those whom I hold dear. My love is deep.

May 21, 2025
things don’t just happen. you have to make them happen

May 17, 2025
the little prince

have you closed your heart off completely? it seems like you may have. what did you tell me back in the fall? don’t close your heart off completely.. i’ll tell you the same thing now. don’t close your heart off completely, deens.

you talk about the dangers of being tamed — you focus on those dangers as if you’re being careful with how you love. as if you’re being careful of who you’ll love. i’ll be stark. that is not how you love. living out of fear, loving out of fear, holding yourself back, pushing your feelings down.. you’re protecting yourself. and trust me, i understand that incredibly well since i’ve been doing the same thing for a long time. you say that you lost part of yourself. part of who you used to be. well, that is the part that you lost. i can see it in your facial expressions. i can see it in the way you speak. i can see it in your tone. i can see it in your mannerisms. you are so filtered now. you are so cold. you are so distant. and i don’t think it’s just with me. i see it in your posts. i see it when i spoke to you. i just see it in you now.. that is not you at all. that is not who you want to be. i’ve spoken about how i feel like i am myself again. i’ve said how i feel like you’re in a place that i was in. i can relate to you because what you are going through is exactly what i’ve been going through. fear. hurt. pain. anger. i wasn’t myself because i let those things take over. i changed how i thought and acted based on those things. you don’t love out of fear or expectation of anything. you love because you love. you act without expectation. you love without expectation. that is how you live. that is how you love.

if this is regarding us, let me tell you — it is not so black and white as you may think (maybe you don’t think it is, but humor me a little). you’ve talked about how you don’t have any regrets. when you say that i think of all of the things that i struggled with regarding you. regarding us. i’ll say again.. boston. do you regret that at all? do you regret how that affected me? do you know how it affected me? but it doesn’t start nor end there. that’s just the easiest example. i know i made mistakes, but know that you were nowhere near perfect either. from your own words, that was one of the lowest points in your life. again, i chose to love you. i chose to support you. i chose to stay. i chose all of that because of my true love for you. my unyielding love for you. when i got to my lowest, did you stick it out in the same manor? did you realize i was at my lowest? did you see me wither away? part of me feels like you didn’t. do remember when you hungout with me for the first time in awhile at the circle house and i clung onto you saying how much i missed you? you said you were giving me space.. i desperately didn’t need space. i needed support. i needed support for far longer than you’d probably think, but i never got that. maybe at one point i did. i say this because it’s not so black and white. you said you don’t regret anything because you gave it your all. did you give it your all for me or for you? if you gave it your all then why didn’t you support me? why weren’t you there for me? why did you put distance between us at times? the thing is, i chose to stay, to be there for, and to love you at your lowest regardless if you pushed me away or not. did you choose those things for me? at my lowest point you broke up with me. why didn’t you ask me how i was? why didn’t you talk to me about how you were feeling about us? why did you just cut us off? i’ve always been someone that wants to come together to talk through things because i know that we all are not perfect. not even close. i choose to stick things out out of love. not just with you but with family and friends too. i’ve been given so many reasons to cut people out of my life, and maybe that’d make my life easier, but that is not me. i choose love. i choose selflessness. don’t get me wrong. i think you tried your hardest. i don’t hold things against you. i’m saying these things because i feel like things are thought as so black and white between us. i feel like i tried so fucking hard for you but now that’s getting almost tarnished or undercut. i worked so so fucking hard to support you, to love you, to be there for you. i don’t mean to make you feel bad at all. i just need to voice my side. i did so much to support you, deens. i know it may not have been enough. i know you worked incredibly hard. but i worked so fucking hard too.

you’ve talked about how actions matter, they do, but again, it’s not so black and white. what actions have you taken to be there for others and show your love? what actions did you take to support me? what actions did you take to save our relationship? i know how you are. i’ve seen how you are in your friendships and all. you tend to shut down. you tend to clam up when you’re uncertain. i mean, even with us you started not wanting to confide in me because you didn’t want to put burdens on me even though i reassured you that i wanted you to confide in me over and over. even when i asked you about it. even when i pressed you. or when you gave me space when i desperately needed support. the point is nobody is perfect. it’s about trying your hardest. i’m trying my hardest for you. i know you have anger in your heart. i know you have pain. if you do then scream. scream at me. tell me about all of your pain. scream at me that i wasn’t there for you or that you didn’t feel love from me. fucking scream at me. SCREAM… because if you don’t then it will sit in your heart for a long time. trust me.. it’s been years for me. that’s why i’ve been screaming. at the end of the day, i’m not letting my feelings and the things of the past get in the way anymore. i don’t want to be subject to those things. that’s why i’m acting. that’s why i’m screaming. that’s why i’m pushing. that’s why i’m going to thailand. that’s why i’m writing to you. that’s why i’m doing all of this. i’m acting. maybe it’s too late for you, but i’d like to think it’s not. is the love we had not worth it to you? is it not worth another try? is it not worth setting aside one’s ego? is it not worth questioning things? i’ll continue acting and making gestures no matter how grand or minor. i’ll continue thinking of you. i’ll continue writing to you. i’ll continue making you anklets and other little things with thought behind it. i’ll continue going to thailand with the hopes that one day you’ll see me. i’ll continue bleeding my heart to you. i’m not in the game of protecting myself anymore. that’s way too exhausting. because it’s not what i wanted. how do you expect to love and find love with walls up? how do you expect to love and find love while constantly protecting yourself? just love is worth it. just love is all you need.

if this isn’t regarding us then i’m sorry for the assumption. consider this my rant at this point. i don’t know what the fuck i’m talking about.

i’m stark because i know how stubborn you can be. i know that once you make up your mind you really double down. but i know that all of that, the living out of fear, etc, etc, is not really you. i know how open minded you are. i know how you learn and grow. you being stubborn and doubling down is you protecting yourself. you having strong convictions in this regard is you protecting yourself because if you have strong convictions out of pain then your convictions are reactionary. (maybe this last sentence is wrong. maybe this is me lashing out. it definitely may be.)

if there’s one thing that i know, it’s that you aren’t truly living with the feelings you have inside of yourself right now. you’re living out of fear, anger, and hurt. that’s how i’ve been living for the past three years. i can see how you’ve lost hope. i can see that you’re in despair. i can see you trying to lie to yourself about it too. all of the social media posts. all of the consumption. all of the distractions. if i’m wrong then scream at me and tell me that i’m wrong.. but trust me, i know what coping looks like probably better than most.

let me end with this. no matter how much you try to push me away. no matter how much you try to protect yourself (this sounds kinda bad, but hooold). no matter how much you try to push your feelings down. no matter how bitter or angry or any of that you may be or get. i will be here for you. i will love you. i will always keep my heart open to you. i will love you forever. you are the only one i will marry or have kids with (this part is more of a for me thing). you are that person to me.

one more thing (i suck at writing lmao). last we spoke i said that i was the little prince and you were the rose. i said that you were the rose because you were special to me. you told me that the point was that there were millions just like that rose.. that the main rose wasn’t special. i disagree. the whole point of that rose being special to the little prince is not because his rose is essentially different from other roses, but because he has developed a relationship with his particular rose by watering her and otherwise tending to her needs. it is the little prince’s relationship with his rose that makes her unique to him and this relationship is what makes his life worth living. this is why you are the rose to me. this is why i feel like i’m the little prince.

this is what i mean. this is you. this is how you love

May 16, 2025
bluelock chapter 302

May 14, 2025
here we are. still thrashing

you said what kept you going was that we had our whole lives ahead of us. that maybe one day if our paths cross again. could this not be that? are our paths not crossing? do you not want them to cross? you might be on your own path right now i guess. a path that’s running parallel to mine. here i am desperately trying to crash into your path. what’s the point of holding back? if holding back is so painful, then why?

you’ve said that you needed to figure out what you wanted in a relationship. i’ve had plenty of opportunities to live a stable, comfortable, incredibly middle class life with others, yet it always felt so wrong. like things just didn’t fit. they fit in certain ways, but so much was missing. we’d get along well in certain regards – interests, anime, cooking, baking, etc, etc, etc, but so much was missing. core values. love. the things that are truly important to me. the feelings i experience when watching orange or kiznaiver. loving the things each other loves. curiosity. finding the beauty in all of life. loving life. loving to learn. these things, among more, are so much deeper. but ultimately, it’s the feeling that they just fit. the feeling of unyielding love that i just can’t explain. the feeling of truly living for the first time in my life after meeting someone. the feeling of every single door in the world blasting open for myself. the feeling of wanting to live. the feeling of having my whole universe flipped on it’s head.. i’ve found out for myself that nothing else really matters except for love and values. everything else should fall into place. things may get in the way, but eventually things settle down and fall into place. you were right. love is enough. love is really all you need.

i find myself clinging to all of your words. i’ve always clung to your words. to be fair, that’s just the kind of person i am. words are important. meaning is important. i always remember and cling to the words people say to me. i’ll remember things that people told me years and years and years ago and continue clinging onto them years and years and years later because i find words to be important. i guess i continue fighting for you because of your words. because your words clash like there’s an internal struggle within you. what are you struggling over? what are you struggling for? i’m struggling for the person i want to be. i’m struggling for the feelings i have..

here i am still thrashing about. i’ll never stop. i’ll never stop fighting.

May 14, 2025
Your story today.. 9:11. Made me want to reply, “make a wish!”. Did that memory cross your mind when you posted that on your story at all? Part of me hopes

May 13, 2025
i think about writing everyday. i feel like i shouldn’t though. too many words and the message gets lost. i think about you every single day. i still do. i wonder if i cross your mind anymore

May 13, 2025
my wish

my rainbow anklet broke today. you know the one that i’ve been wearing since shortly after my dad passed? 6.5 years.. 11:53pm. may 8th, 2025. do you know what that means? my wish supposedly came true today. my wish.. maybe it’s just the start of it. did something change within you? i think my wish coincides with you a lot. i’ve been fundamentally changing back to who i was. i wonder if things are changing within you. i wonder if our paths will cross once more. my happiness and life will always coincide with you. it doesn’t depend on you, but you’re intertwined. i wonder what’s to come.

you wrote that you don’t make wishes anymore. that you think about the shattering of past and potential dreams. well, i made you an anklet like the one i wore. i’m going to mail it to you. make a wish, put it on, and once it breaks that means your wish comes true. i know you don’t make wishes anymore.. but will you humor me and make one more wish? have one more dream? i hope you will

i need to make myself another anklet. it feels weird having nothing tied around my ankle.

May 9, 2025
you saying that you don’t need me anymore has rung in my mind since you broke up with me. i never wanted you to need me. you never needed me before. you don’t need me now. the same can be said with me. i’ve lived without you before and i’m living without you now. it’s not about needing.. it’s about choosing. i chose you from the beginning. i chose you through your worst times. did you choose me? why did you stop choosing me? because you didn’t need me anymore? i know that i love you with all of my heart because i chose you continuously. i chose you at the hardest times. you’ve questioned my love for you. i never needed you.. but i’ve always chosen you. i’ve always defended you. i’ve always been in your corner. always. and i always will. you don’t need me anymore. you said that and it felt like a dagger in my heart. i’ve always said that i don’t want you to need me. of course i want you to be able to rely on me when you need and in whatever capacity you need, but i want you to be your own person. i want you to be able to thrive on your own. i don’t want you to be reliant on me. i want to be an addition to your life like you are to mine. you saying you don’t need me anymore hits me deep because that’s always been my biggest fear. i kill myself for others then they toss me aside when they don’t need me. that’s the feeling. and it hurts. i’m in a relationship out of love, not necessity.

i don’t even know. here i am ranting. sad boi hours i guess

May 8, 2025
I just had a weird thought while reading.. You’re the one person I would love if you they were a worm

May 7, 2025
I’ve told myself that I don’t want to write anymore. That I’ve said enough.. but then why do I have so much more to say? I’ve told myself to just disappear, but I can’t. I think it’s because I’ll forever hold onto hope for us. I look back and see so many happy memories. I feel as if it heavily out weighs the opposite. I feel like if we just let go and embraced one another we’d have an incredibly happy life. You just.. Fit. We both do

It’s not like our relationship didn’t hurt me either. I think I could’ve handled it better if I didn’t have my closest friends griefing me and if I didn’t have traumatic family event after traumatic family event happening like I’m spider man getting clapped up by canon event after canon event. But alas.. A lot of what ifs. I don’t want to live with what ifs. We’re worth it

May 7, 2025
you talk about fate how i talk about fate. it’s funny. i always leave or chalk things up to fate. i say “inshallah” regarding anything that has the potential to happen. god willing. i’ve always used fate as a way to cope tbh. even though i think it’s cope for me, i still believe in it. but something in me changed. it’s been easy for me to sit back and just let things gravitate towards me. fate. but it’s lead to it’s own problems. i got tired of it. tired of sitting around letting fate control me. i’ve used fate in a lot of ways, but one of the worst ways was deflection. well, here i am doing things. here i am trying to bend fate to my will. the feelings within myself feel incredibly similar to how they did after my dad passed. kind. giving. forgiving. understanding. selfless. reckless. careless. unserious. carefree (probably better wordage than careless tbh). i really lived then. i stopped living somewhere along the way. i made the future more important than the present. here i am bending fate to my will. here i am facing the world, not letting it pass me by.

May 6, 2025
my sister knows about me going to thailand to see you and you not wanting to see /speak to me again. she knew while i was there. my mom asked about you today while asking about my trip to thailand. my sister told her to chill with questions regarding you to protect me. it’s embarrassing for me, and she knows. it’s embarrassing because i’m not supposed to be this weak, feeble human. you make me weak. you make me vulnerable. this usually doesn’t happen. normally i’m better off without. normally i “win” the break. but there’s no “winning” here. there’s just hurt and losing. losing life. it’s been more than a year and i’m still hurting. i’m still hoping we get back together. i’m still yearning to experience life with you. to live life with you. i’ve thought a lot about what it means to live. i haven’t been living. to me, living is experiencing life and love in that rosy tinted, gleam eyed way. prioritizing love. not letting things such as finances and fear prevent one from experiencing things. carefree. unserious. loving. giving. that’s the life i want to live. that’s the life i’m going to live. that’s the life i wish to live with you. i asked you to take a leap of faith with me. i’ve already leapt. i’m living. in my mind, you coming to turkey with me would be the start of our lives. it doesn’t have to be that. i guess you trusting me again would be the start of our lives. and i don’t mean some boring, monotonous life that you and i have always been afraid of when it comes to relationships. remember that conversation? how my sister and chuckie are the antithesis to that. i also don’t mean a life where we’re wondering about one another or where we’re left in the dark about anything. i mean a life where we embrace each other fully. a life together. like truly and always together. a life completely open to one another. that’s the kind of life i mean. reckless. loving. carefree. unserious. truly living

here’s to hoping

May 6, 2025
i miss you

i miss the way we would talk about anything and everything. Our conversations about politics, math, drama, life, video games, anime (when we talked about attack on titan or when you asked me who my favorite character in hunter x hunter was), etc

i miss the look in your eyes. the fierce fiery look like you wouldn’t give up. the innocent sparkle in your eyes like you were full of hope.

i miss joking with you. bursting into laughter about anything and everything. dp when i was sick. hell yeah, brother. shiritori. anomia and screaming, source, hey alexa. was it alexa? just everything. the last time we talked on the phone there was some semblance of how we used to talk. i heard you laugh like you used to. i heard you let down your guard.

i miss your voice more than you know. your voice brings me so much joy. it really always has.

i miss cooking for you. i miss cooking omurice for you. with every bite you’d exclaim, mmmmmmm!! and shrug your shoulders. it’s a hug from inside your mouth.

i miss your touch. your touch was always so warming to me. even when i didn’t always want to cuddle, touching you was something i looked forward to.

i miss hugging you, squeezing you, cuddling you. you feel like home. you always have.

i miss being intimate with you. i’ve never been so comfortable in my life with someone. i felt like we could do anything and we’d both just dive right in for one another.

to be honest, i felt like we could do anything with one another in general. we’d follow each other into the abyss. we both are always so down to do anything. to try new things.

i miss kissing you. kissing you was always so liberating. like getting lost in between breaths. time stopping. i could kiss you for an eternity. i could die kissing you and be so incredibly happy.

i miss sharing our interests with one another. more often than not our interests aligned. the little prince is something core to you. i watched it when it first came out and fell in love with the movie. often times we’d come to similar conclusions. maybe we’d think different things than one another, but it’d be such an enlightening experience.

i miss getting you into anime. remember when we watched orange and kiznaiver together? i fell in love with you all over again during that. i remember looking at you while you cried and thinking to myself “damn, i’m so fucking in love with her”. it’s because you know how to feel your feelings. it’s because you had the same feelings about those shows that i did while watching them. but it’s more than that. you’re willing to feel them in front of people. maybe not so willing. i remember you saying you wish you didn’t at times but you couldn’t control it. i’m so envious of that though. i wish i was able to feel my feelings for more of my life. i wish i was able to bare my soul to more people. it’s only been this past year that i’ve gotten better at those things. again, i’ve cried more in april than i have in my entire life..

i miss how excited you would get about anything and everything. i feel like you and i are extremely similar in that regard. you’re just cuter when you get excited hehe. it’s like we find everything interesting and when there’s a connection that we make we get extremely excited.

i miss learning with you. we both love to learn. i know that’s a core value for you. it is for me to. we have the same core values. kindness. learning. forgiveness.

i miss how you wore all of my clothes. you didn’t care about the way i looked. you loved what i loved and you took it on yourself. i love that aspect of you

i miss your sleepy self. how groggy you were when you would wake up.

i miss being on the phone with you while i just lived. you liked listening to my world. me typing on my keyboard. me breathing. my cats meowing. it brought you comfort.

i miss being on the phone with you when you couldn’t sleep. you’d always sleep so fast. i’d stay on the phone for hours. the sounds you’d make would warm my heart. when was the last time we did that? october, 2024. it feels like it wasn’t that long ago, but then again, it feels like it’s been forever.

i miss going to the haunted corn maze with you. getting scared together. pulling you through the corn maze. i miss things like that so much.

i miss how in love with, not just me, but with everything surrounding me you were. how you loved my cats just as much as i did. how you loved my friends just as much as i did. how you loved the subjects i was interested in just how much i did. i feel like it comes from our similarities, but you also just love to love. i love to love too, but for you it’s something kinda different.

i miss your presence. your presence is so comforting to me. just having you around really completes my life. it’s like having sylv and jij hanging out. family. comfort. home.

i miss so much more about you than you could ever know. when i’ve said that not a day goes by that i haven’t thought about you, i mean not a single day has gone by in which you haven’t occupied my mind. this isn’t just this past year either. it’s been for a long time.

i miss my best friend. you were, without a doubt, my best friend. you are, without a doubt, the love of my life. i have missed you more than you know. i have notes throughout the years of how painful all of this has been. rather than letting you know i would write them down. i thought that i couldn’t burden you with more things. you were already going through so much. i’m sorry i kept that from you.

i know the girl you are. i know who you are. it breaks my heart that you have no hope for us. i feel like you and i are extremely similar, so why does it feel like you don’t understand me. like you haven’t understood me for some time. maybe you do actually. why does it feel like you left me behind during some of the hardest times of my life? i guess maybe i feel a little betrayed. i stuck through some of the hardest fucking times of your life. like some hard hard fucking times. i think back to me pleading with you.. “why can’t i feel my feelings? am i not allowed to feel my feelings?”. i guess part of me yearns for someone who would stick it out for me, but i have my doubts that that will ever happened. who will forgive me like i forgive others. who will come together with me no matter what. yeah, my heart hurts. yeah, i made mistakes. i know i made you feel unloved. i had been screaming for years yet my screams went unheard. you left and i continued screaming. i screamed and screamed for the past 3-4 years and i got nowhere. no one cared. not my best friends, not my roommates, not my family, not you. i got exhausted. i got cynical. i got pessimistic. but like, how could i not turn out that way after years of my closest people trampling over my feelings? idk. i guess i wish you would stick it out for me. i did so much for you. i stuck it out through the actual hardest times of my life. i stuck it out while being traumatized. it hurts that after doing so much my love gets questioned. after doing so much i get chalked up to not doing a lot for you. you did all of the work. i know you did so much work, especially this past year or two. you’ve done a tone of work throughout all of the years tbh, but i was there. i supported you in so many ways. then it hurts because it’s like, well where’s my support? that’s why i’ve felt alone for my entire life. not because i haven’t actually been supported, but because i’ve felt like nobody sees me. nobody understands me. nobody listens to my words. everyone sees a guy that’s put together, responsible, reliable, etc. i continue screaming and pleading for my life and they don’t hear my words. oh, he’ll get through it. he’ll figure it out. and i do, but at what cost? really it’s the cost of my soul. how my soul gets so tarnished. i’m there for everyone and nobody is there for me. again, like in the hearing me, seeing me, etc aspect. like i’m the last one left on the deserted island because i’ll survive. yeah, i’ll survive, but i’ll be going through hell to do so. idk. just a big boi with large feelings.

i feel like we’re going back and forth trying to protect ourselves. i know i probably started it. it sucks because i could never not love you. you want me to treat you like a friend, but i just can’t. i can’t change how i feel about you. i will always show you love, or at least try to. i can’t just put up walls with how i talk to you. i can’t take away all of the feelings i’ve had towards you. i can’t just all of a sudden change how i feel about you. i can’t even change how i feel about you over time. i’ll always love you. you’ll always be a huge part of my life

it’s been hard for awhile because i see all of the things that you’ve been doing with all of the people you’ve been doing them with over the past year or two. it feels like you moved on so easy whereas i’ve just kinda been hurting a ton. it feels like all of this doesn’t really affect you. i don’t really affect you. idk. i wonder where things went wrong and why especially because we had so much love for each other. idk. here i am just.. idk

May 2, 2025
idek anymore

my heart hurts. my body hurts. my being hurts. it’s not like i don’t want to heal or anything. it almost feels like i’m grieving a lost loved one.. a lost soulmate. but she’s still out there alive. i’ve been grieving for a long fucking time now. idk. i can live without her, i can try to move on, i can try to find someone else, but i don’t think that’ll really work. i feel like nothing will compare to life with her. it’s like, i lived life before in such a colorless way. she makes me truly want to live. like actually live. idk how to really explain it. i lived life incredibly negative, then positive, but always with a set “plan” like i’m a cog. i’ve never felt the way i feel about her for anyone else and i don’t believe i ever will. i’ve loved in the past, but it’s just such a different feeling. the only thing i can chalk it up to is her being my soulmate and i’ve never believed in that before. life is hardly wonderful without her. it has it’s moments, sure, but the basis of my life is hardly wonderful.

i feel myself running down the path of “detachment” or “freedom”. i feel like the past three to four years I’ve just been trying to hold on for dear life to everything dear to me and it feels like nobody really held on for me. i know that’s not fully true, but it’s like i held on for so long, struggled for so long, and now i don’t have anything. which is okay i guess. i probably shouldn’t have struggled so hard for so long. but it kind of reinforces the idea in my head that my life doesn’t matter. i mean, the only reason why i’m on this planet is for others and if i don’t live for others anymore then i just shouldn’t live. i have no reason really. i don’t care about my life, i never have, but now i don’t care about my future. i held onto the idea of trying to make my future better so that i could be there for others. i don’t hold onto that anymore. i couldn’t care less if i were setup for the rest of my life or not anymore. i don’t care about saving nor buying a house nor advancing my career nor anything. i think it’s dangerous because i have nothing holding me to this earth.. i don’t really mind. i feel myself living fast and dangerously. i feel myself isolating in ways. mainly living in isolation. kinda like keeping everyone away? not really that. maybe not waiting up. i’ll always be there for others, even if it’s a detriment to me. i don’t care if it impacts my living negatively anymore. but it feel like i’m not living for others anymore. like memories with others or living beside other. idk.

today was a day that i stopped feeling numb. this will always pain me. i may learn to live with it or not, but it will always be a gaping hole in my heart.

May 1, 2025
I think I’m delusional. It’s probably time for me to face reality at some point, right dev?

I’m gonna throw up

April 29, 2025
I see you’re reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I wonder if my words are reaching you at all. The thing is, I know you do things very intentionally. I know you’re like me in that regard. You do things with intention. Little things. You notice things. I wonder if I had influence on you re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I wonder if you posted “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” on your story because I had written about it. I wonder if you started listening to “Bunny Girl” after I added it to our playlist. I wonder about a lot of little things like that. Part of it is that I do things like that. Like, little/big things that I do are impacted by others. Posting Tuesdays with Morrie, I think of you. Watching or reading “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” I think of you. Watching or reading The Little Prince, I think of you. I wonder if my words are reaching you. Idk. I know I grasp. I know that maybe it’s not right for me to think things like that. I know. But idk. Maybe I just want to think that you think of me. Maybe that’s it.

I hear you screaming. I’m here. I’ll always see you.. like really see you.

April 28, 2025
stormy sunday on a thursday

It seems we both have storms raging in our hearts. I wonder what your storm is composed of. Every little detail of it. What color is your storm? How does it rage? Why does it rage? I want to know everything.. how torturous.

What is my heart made of? The first thought is iron. Kinda lame. I’ll have to think more deeply about this.

Is it lame that I reply to your writing at times? I find it kinda lame. Anything for the feeling of being close to you ig.

Often times I wonder if your writing is regarding me at all or not. Sometimes I feel like it might be, most of the time I think how silly of me to think that. Again, kinda lame.

Then I wonder if you read my writing and feel similarly at all. I feel as if I cling to your writing a lot. Of course you don’t. I’m here screaming into the void. Desperately hopeless. How silly.

April 24, 2025
motionless

the devil gripping my beating heart
turmoil from within
crushed under heavy torrents
the great red storm grows within
diamonds raining from the ether
steadily bewitched in a heavy trance
6′ under above the sky
seamlessly trapped on all sides
pressures reeling from deep within
the great red storm seeps deeper again
until the pressures wither away
and is no more.. broken.. delayed
lost back to the ocean that was once called home
never to be seen, never to be shown

April 21, 2025

poetry
love

What is love? What is love to myself? What is love to others? Questions I’ve wondered about for what seems like an eternity. Is love the relationship you jump into to unknowingly cope for past traumas? Is love a void one tries to fill? Is love what they portray in blockbuster rom coms, TV dramas, or anime? Is love what they portray in music? Is love always toxic? Is love healthy? Is love worth yearning for? What is love? I like to think that love is what they portray in media – movies, TV dramas, anime, music, but I know a lot of people that fall in the trap of loving to cope.. loving to fill a void. I’ve been a victim to this trap. It’s not a fun trap to fall victim to. I think I’m lucky enough to realize this though and to really question myself and why I love the people I do. Do I love them unconditionally? Am I obtaining something from this love? Do I love the idea of the person.. something I’ve built up in my mind? Do I love them through the highs and lows? Do I love being around them? Do I just love their good qualities? Do I love them for stability? Why do I love this person?

I’ve experienced love in many ways – loving someone through a truly toxic relationship where they are constantly talking to others behind my back, love bombing me, and manipulating me in different ways; loving someone because we get along well but the relationship is missing so much; loving someone while unknowingly trying to fill a void within myself; loving someone because it’s comfortable and stable, etc. I’ve loved a lot, which has been absolutely incredible, but the love I’ve had is nothing compared to actually being in-love with someone. That’s, really, a once in a lifetime experience. Love that lasts an eternity. Love that can’t be described. Love that feels like home. It’s like your sense of self is being seen fully for the first time. There’s an unconditional nature to it where no matter what they do you’ll love them regardless. No matter how they change you’ll love them regardless.

I know a lot of people that have gotten stuck in the love trap. I wonder why. I think part of it is not knowing why they love. Not truly knowing what they’re loving for. I’m not too sure to be honest. But back to the main point..

What is love? Is love real? I think so. I just had a friend tell me that they were told that they were silly to believe in love. It’s really sad. In my mind, love is the one thing really worth living for. What else do we have but love? But it’s not so simple. Love comes with pain. Love comes with vulnerability. Love comes with misery. But love also comes with so many positive things as well. Is love worth it? I think so. I think it’s worth every single bit of suffering because love does something for your life that nothing else really can. Love is truly life awakening. Almost like a slap in the face to actual living, if that makes sense? Like a wave comes over one’s self. It’s not always instantaneous or easy though. I think it depends on the person. Some people are like clams that gradually open to it due to past traumas. Some people are in a torrent of waves so it can be hard to decipher. Some people are just never open to the idea due to past circumstances, but the one thing they do want deep down is to be loved. I think love comes in many forms, but there’s a uniqueness to being in love. Almost like two people drawn together by fate. Like they weren’t done loving each other in the past life. Like they find each other in every life. It’s a weird, home-like feeling. You just kind of know.

I’ve loved a lot, but it’s all been very distinguishable. Like the reasons why I love the people that I love whether it be familial reasons, trauma bonding, how well I get along with them, stability, lying to myself, etc, etc. But there’s one love that I’ve never experienced before until 3.5 years ago.. being in love. It’s so distinguishable from all of the other reasons why we love. It’s like you can’t really explain the reasoning why this person is the one. They may be bad for you at times. They may have bad qualities. They may not lead to the most “stable” or “easy” life. They may not be perfect in every way. They may not be what you imagined. But they are your person. They are your home. They change you fundamentally. I’ve never really believed in soulmates before. I’ve never believed that one person could be the love of your life. I’ve always thought that humans aren’t too unique. I don’t think I’m unique at all.. like I’m replaceable. But meeting her changed all of that for me. The uniqueness to everyone. The uniqueness of her voice. The uniqueness of her touch. The uniqueness of her presence. The uniqueness of her mind. The uniqueness of her jokes. The uniqueness of our interactions. The uniqueness of her kindness. The uniqueness of her smell. The uniqueness of her eyes. The uniqueness of her expressions. The uniqueness of the way she sleeps. The uniqueness of her. There’s nothing in the world like her. There’s nobody in the world that makes me feel the way that she makes me feel. There’s no easy way to explain why I love her. Loving her is just a part of me. I can’t even explain why her uniqueness impacts me the way it does. It’s just a chemical reaction. Time seemingly stops and accelerates with her. Without her time clearly stops. Where has time gone? What has happened? Living aimlessly in a haze. Love is complicated. Love is painful. Love is patient. Love is fulfilling. Love is illogical. Love is worth it.

Maybe I’ll add more to this whole love writing. I probably will. Consider this a draft.

April 19, 2025

thoughts, writing, z.drafts
i am never going to give up on you

I’m not going to give up on you. I can’t give up on you. No amount of words will ever explain to you how much you mean to me. How much I love you. Even if it drives me crazy, even if it kills me, I will never give up on you. I’ll suffer for the rest of my life for you. Of course I have regrets from the past. I wish I was so unwavering before, but I wasn’t. I wish I was forthcoming with all of my thoughts and feelings, but I wasn’t. I wish I didn’t hold back, but I did. I was broken.. I am broken, but my convictions are strong just like yours. I will never ever give up on you.

April 19, 2025

ds, thoughts
it’s 3:33am on april 19th

A day before your birthday. I haven’t been able to get a good night’s sleep since I’ve been here. I haven’t been able to get a good night’s sleep in the past year to be honest.. maybe even since you left for Thailand. I hate that I held back my feelings and desires for so long. I’ve wanted to be with you since the day you broke up with me. I’ve wanted to be with you since the day I met you. What a stupid fool I am to not voice my true desires. What a stupid stupid fool

April 18, 2025

ds, writing
3:16am

i lay here in so much pain
you feel so close yet so far away
…
i can’t even finish this i’m so cooked. i can’t stop crying
i wish you were here laying next to me

April 17, 2025

ds, poetry
loving you was so easy

but it was so painful too
through the lowest of the lows
i was there

slowly eaten away
a living husk of who i once was
i give until i have nothing
i gave when i had nothing anyway

maybe one day you’ll understand
the world may understand
i am not as strong as i seem
i am only human it seems

i’ll continue giving everything
that is who i am
i’ll continue struggling for those i love
i’ll continue struggling for you my love

“loving you was so easy, but it was so painful too”. something you’ve said to me. i’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. i give too much. my sister says too a fault. she wishes i left situations i never did. she hates seeing me so sad. but i think i’m a lot stronger now. i’ve learned how to not completely shut down. i’ve learned how to express myself better. i’ve put my ego aside. i found myself again and i’ll try desperately to never lose myself again. i have reminders. i have this feeling of who i am. i’ve accepted a lot of things. i’ve learned what it looks like to lie to myself over and over again to survive. i’ve learned how to not live in a fog. i’ve learned to love love. i’ve learned to love music and media again. i went a long time without listening to music.. something very unlike myself. i sit down and engross myself in shows and books again. i started writing and doing artistic things again. i’ve learned so much these past years, and i don’t think i could’ve without you. i put in a lot of work and here i am.. living for love. because what else is there? your favorite book has taught me a lot over the years. i started it when you first gave it to me. i read a ton. i started it again a year ago. i started it again back in february and finally finished the last bit i hadn’t read. it’s funny how humans can get so lost. morrie says it’s easy to snap out of it, and in a lot of ways it is, but in a lot of ways its not. but i do think that being honest with ones’ self makes it a whole lot easier. i feel that within myself. so i choose to live for love because what else do we really have? i choose to live through the pain because what a beautiful experience it is. “i feel it and i feel it completely”. i choose to let myself be vulnerable. normally i do stuff alone. i take on the burdens. but over the past year or so i’ve been a lot more open to my family about my downfalls. like truly open. not just objectively saying it, but expressing my emotion. crying. feeling my feelings. before i felt like i couldn’t because i felt like i had to be perfect. i took on so many burdens myself. i’ve realized it isn’t other people putting burdens on me, it’s myself taking on those burdens because i love those around me. i love my community. but maybe that’s not fully true. i feel as if people relied on me a ton. that’s a beautiful thing, but it broke me along the way. i felt like i had to be perfect because if i wasn’t things would fall apart for those around me. i felt like i couldn’t have worries or feel my feelings because i had to be on top of everything or else the world would crumble. i felt that with you too. i felt so much pressure from you to save you. i couldn’t handle it all even if it’s what i wanted. i wanted the things you did, but i had so much on my shoulders. morrie also said that a big mistake is thinking we’re important. i finally get that one. as soon as i broke nothing crumbled around me. i thought “why was i taking on so much for?”. i resented people. “why would they put so much on me?”. i was incredibly hurt. i felt like nobody cared for me or thought that i mattered. nobody helped me while i was dying. but here we are. i don’t mind if i get hurt in the process, especially if it’s my conscious choice to support people. i can feel those feelings completely and move on. but i should never close my heart completely. something you told me in the fall. something that’s stuck with me. i did close my heart completely for a little while. it was the saddest time of my life. i wonder if you’ve closed your heart completely. maybe you’ve only closed your heart off to me. i know you wake up throughout the night. i know you’re struggling. i see it because i’ve been struggling.. in very similar ways. i know you’re trying your hardest. i know you’re trying to move on. trying to forget and be strong. maybe i’m doing all of this because i’ve been down that path and all i ever wanted was someone to.. hug me. to tell me everything is going to be okay. to truly see me. to bring me down from the ledge. to let me know that i’m not in it alone. to push and push until i pour my heart out. i see a lot of myself in you. so much of myself really.

April 15, 2025

ds, poetry, writing
it’s 4:19am

birds chirping
frogs croaking?
the ac unit is humming
yet i feel like my skin is on fire..

i can’t get you off my mind
wishing you were here laying next to me
you’d correct that word above
one of many restless nights
consumed by you.. the lack of you

April 15, 2025

ds, poetry
every time i think of you i end up crying

it is april and my eyes are wide open
daydreaming about the love we once had
lashing out, careless, pained
a hastily grasp of delusion
sprinting forward towards ghosts
ghosts of what we once were
seamless streams, broken, forgotten

april, pass it will
through dark rainy clouds
onto bright summer days
breaking out of this hell
time seemingly stopped
i can feel your warmth from a world away
i’ve never stopped.. loving you

April 13, 2025

ds, poetry, z.drafts
mems

Deens: can’t tell when Devin is joking
Devin: Usually when I’m joking there’s some truth to that
Deens: Ah, what?! You believe some of the things you said about me?
Devin: convincing Deens that I actually don’t then saying “then I’ll say something like that to reel you back in”
Deens: Ah!!! What?!?!

April 8, 2025

#personal
do you remember? i finally did

“one of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things”
“so much beauty we need to look after”
“sometimes i feel lost,” said the boy. “me too,” said the mole, “but we love you, and love brings you home.”
“i think everyone is just trying to get home.” said the mole.
“what is the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the boy. “help.” said the horse.
“asking for help isn’t giving up.” said the horse. “it’s refusing to give up.”
“i’ve discovered something better than cake.” “no you haven’t.” said the boy. “i have.” replied the mole. “what is it?” “a hug. it lasts longer.”
“is your glass half empty of half full?” asked the mole. “i think i’m grateful to have a glass.” said the boy.
“we don’t know about tomorrow,” said the horse, “all we need to know is that we love each other.”
“what’s your best discovery?” asked the mole. “that i’m enough as i am,” said the boy.
“do you have any other advice?” asked the boy? “don’t measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated.” said the horse.

April 3, 2025

books, ds
i wonder if you read my writing

would you find it interesting? would you dissect the meaning behind it? would you read it more than once? would it get boring to you? i may not have much writing experience, but i like to think i make up for it in emotion. in storytelling (maybe not so much that). but maybe how my brain thinks? idk.

i wonder if you think about me. if you sift through memories like i do. if you still cry about me like i cry about you. the first time you’ve probably experienced me crying. me fully opening my heart to you. me baring my soul to you. only you. there is so much that you don’t know. so many thoughts. so many feelings. i wonder if you were shocked. i wonder how you felt about me crying. how you felt about me baring my soul to you. i wonder how you feel now. what’s going through your mind at any moment. if you still feel feelings like you used to. if you still dream the way you did. or do you feel trapped like i once did? do you feel like you’ve lost part of yourself? are you on the right path? are you following the river home? more importantly do you have loved ones beside you along the way? have you found your home?

April 3, 2025

ds, writing
i truly am the darkness to your light

my hating people
your loving them
my survivorship (“strength”)
your hopeful living (strength)
my distrust in humanity
your kindness to the world

before i knew it i became this way
i was always this way
~~was i faking it before?~~

you’re my admiration, darling
my hope
my life
my light..

i am truly the darkness to your light

dev the people hater
– phone call march 28, 2025
that will be stuck in my mind for eternity

April 1, 2025

ds, poetry
tuesdays with morrie
- once you learn how to die, you learn how to live
- “Because,” Morrie continued, “most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.”
- “Yes. I look out that window every day. I notice the change in the trees, how strong the wind is blowing Its as if I can see time actually passing through that window-pane. – me looking out of my window in front of my desk. Looking at the trees, the seasons, the life
- love each other or perish pg 91
  - oh how i’ve perished
- “This is part of what having a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there’s someone who is watching out for them…” pg 92
  - i feel like i haven’t had this most of my life. really since my dad passed to be honest. but it was a brief time where he was truly truly there. not working himself to death to try to support my brother and i. but being present. i feel like it’s always me letting others know that i’m looking out for them. it’s always me looking out for others. the closest i’ve had to getting looked out for is rob’s parents. rob’s dad when he would send me updates about student debt relief. rob’s dad when he would help me with my retirement or other things like that. i guess my brother does it here and again, but it’s not the same. not even close. it’s when i come to him to ask for help. and it takes me forever to ask for help. i struggle and struggle and struggle until i’ve reached my rope’s end. defeated. that’s when i ask for help. but rob’s parents catch me before i’m there. it’s like a gentle guiding hand. it feels different. maybe that’s part of the reason why i lost myself.
- “he had raised his two sons to be loving and caring, and like morrie, they were not shy with their affection”
  - this reminds me of my dad. ian told me that he wished his family was more like mine.. unafraid to say i love you. unafraid to show affection. after every call.. “i love you”. hugs upon arrival. hugs upon goodbyes. affection. oh how my dad instilled that into us. how caring he was. how he needed to know everything going on in our lives. how he showed his affection. god i miss him
- “it’s supposed to be me” pg 96
  - something i think about all the time. i would take his place. why him? why not me? the world would be better with him. i am such an insignificant rot on this earth. that’s what i’ve always thought.
- “so once again, i dove into work. i worked because i could control it. i worked because work was sensible and responsive.” pg97
  - what a terrible terrible thing to dive into work. the days passing by. prolonged pain. one of my biggest regrets. don’t dive into work. don’t survive. follow your heart. embrace the pain. be alive
- “you know what the buddhists say? don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.” But wait, i said. aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? all the good emotions, all the bad ones? “yes.” well, how can you do that if you’re detached? “ah. you’re thinking, mitch. but detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you fully. that’s how you are able to leave it” pg103
April 1, 2025

books
journal entry – may 3, 2024

I’m always thinking about myself. From my perspective. Always negative about everyone else. Never what they’re going through. What’s happened to me? What happened. Why am I like this. Just out for myself. Never giving. Always thinking about what other’s “owe” me or how they affect me. I always talk about how you should do things not because others want you to or with an expectation of something in return or any kind of control over what others do.. You should do things because you want to do them for others. You want to be kind to others. You want to love others. You want to believe in others. Acts of kindness and generosity should never be done with an underlying expectation or assumption. Do these things because YOU want to. Do these things out of freedom. Do these things from your soul.

I’ve been chained down for so long. I’ve done things out of obligation with a negative connotation. I LOVE the obligation that’s pushed me through life. That’s made me be there for family and friends. That’s been ever giving. That’s made it so friends had no problem asking for things from me. That’s made me that friend that will be there no matter what. That’s made me that friend that’s been taken advantage of.. I want to be that friend. I want to be that person again. Things are so meaningless unless I can share them with people. Life is so meaningless unless I can share it with people. I can’t be alone anymore. I can’t put walls up and keep people at a distance anymore. I’ve been hurt for a long time. I lost faith in others. I lost faith. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE FAITH. I don’t want to be hurt. I want to be that loving person I once was. I want to do things. I want to spread myself so thin that I’m there for everyone. So thin that I have no time. So thin that I make sure I’ve made an impact. I want that. But not in a way that hurts people. I NEED TO TRY HARDER. I’ve gotten so lazy. I’ve gotten so self-serving. SERVE OTHERS. I don’t do things for others anymore. I just don’t. It’s all self-serving.. God I don’t want to be so broken down anymore.

I don’t smile when I see people. I’m not happy seeing others.. I don’t want that. I want to be that bright person. That person that is loving. I need to work at this. I need to work hard

March 25, 2025

writing
spring time woes

It truly is sad. Sitting here. In rainy Spring
Rob’s wedding is on Saturday in 2 days
I’ve never felt so alone in my life
Well, maybe I have. But this is different.

I used to be comforted by being alone when I was younger. I’m not really comforted anymore. Maybe at times

There is a different sense to being alone. A sense like I have no one. A sense of freedom. A sense of meaninglessness. A sense of nothing really mattering. A sense of numbness

March 4, 2025

writing
surrounded by turmoul

i found my home in our embrace

December 11, 2024

ds, poetry
blood moon

The sea was silent, my soul was loud, Lost in a storm without a cloud.

Then through the dark, in sorrow’s tune, I saw the bleeding, mourning moon.

Even the heavens spill their pain, longing for love they’ll never regain.

My breath was heavy, my chest felt tight, drowning in echoes of endless night.

But then the shore, in eerie glow, showed me the moon’s own aching woe.

Even the sky must break apart, to bear the weight of a longing heart.

If love can make the cosmos bleed, if the universe must bleed to feel,

Then let my soul be free to need and heal.

November 13, 2024

poetry
when you leave

you are never really gone
i find you in everything i do
for is there any other way to live not?

October 17, 2024

ds, poetry
they asked: why do you love her?

as if love can be dissected and neatly categorized like items on a list.
they wanted me to talk about your eyes
or your smile
or your voice
but the truth is
i never needed a reason to love you
it’s simply a part of me
you see love isn’t about reasons or checkboxes
it’s not about fitting into some predefined notion
i don’t love you just because you’re beautiful
i don’t love you just because you’re smart
i don’t love you for what you give me or how you make me feel
i love you because you awakened something within me
with you i don’t just exist
i live
my world isn’t just full
it’s alive
you make everything brighter
and that’s more than enough

– a

September 19, 2024

ds, poetry
numb

I fear as if I’ve been numbing myself for a long time now. Distracting myself. For years I have been. The pain doesn’t subside though. The only way to function is to become numb. I’m hitting a boiling point. I can’t stay numb forever. My home life is eating me alive. I can’t breathe. I feel as if I’ve been drowning for so long and the only way I’ve been able to prolong it is to stop time. I’ve been stopped in time. I’m starting to be able to breathe again. Time is seemingly moving. I feel as if I’ve just realized how much time has passed since I’ve numbed myself. I’ve lost an important part of myself. I found a couple important parts of myself, but I’ve lost one big one. The pain hurts. It’s excruciating.

July 24, 2024

thoughts
i fell for you the moment i saw you

without truly knowing
i fell
i fell for your way of thinking
your beautiful perception of the world
your beauty that ignites flames within me
your intelligence in which awes me
your kindness that warms my heart

but none of that is truly why i fell for you
your soul ignited mine
like a moth drawn to a flame
like two atoms tied together across the universe
your soul drawn to mine
as if the colliding of our souls exploded the universe
my universe

May 23, 2024

ds, poetry
you told me that you can live without me now

that’s all i ever wanted
for you to believe in yourself
to live for yourself
to love yourself

i never wanted you to be reliant on me to live
for that would be selfish of me
keeping you all to myself ~~despite wanting to so bad~~
even if you’d be happy with me

maybe i was wrong ~~i probably was~~

i told you that you bring color to my life

though i can live without you
have lived without you
will live without you..

i prefer life with you

because life with you is unlike anything i’ve experienced

life with you is colorful
life with you is kind
life with you is living
life with you is..

worth loving

April 2, 2024

ds, poetry
feb 20, 2023 – buddhist temple

I went to a Buddhist temple this morning down in Eugene with a friend. We did the introduction to meditation and the lady that taught us was really nice. She had Rob’s mom’s vibes but a bit quirkier haha. Her interpretation of meditation and Buddhism is a lot like what I’ve learned. Things like it’s okay that your mind wonders and to guide it back eventually. She said the mind is sneaky. We learned to focus on our mind, body, and soul. Our teacher said the body was the most important because we don’t focus on our body as much as our mind. Really checking in on how our body is doing is important.

Another lady (I think the highest priest lady) spent the last half of the service telling a story, sharing poetry, answering questions, and just talking about life. Buddhism to her seems to be about awareness. Awareness of attachment and not demonizing attachment. Her definition of attachment is also a lot different than normal. She talked a lot about how if she is in a bad place that focusing on it and trying to fix it spirals and makes it worse/bigger. It’ll resolve on it’s own, but being aware of it allows you to understand it and be able to manage it better in the future. It was extremely similar to how I’ve grown in the past

The main priest that talked also talked about the landscape of your inner self in her story which really spoke to me. I thought it was a really cool way to materialize how you’re doing. I immediately thought of a dark storm. Really dark storm clouds with wind and rain at a 45 degree slant. I wonder why that is. Maybe I’m feeling unstable or uncertain in myself. I’m not who I want to be right now. I know I’m not. I want to be who I was 3 years ago. I want to be that selfless, kind, considerate human that looked at others not in a negative way, but loving way. In a loving of humanity way. I miss university a lot. I miss going to bars with friends, drinking, and working on things together. Maybe I just miss friends or the comradery. Maybe it’s like trauma bonding over tough times, haha. I’m not entirely sure. The idea of a landscape of your inner self was really eye opening to me. It’s pretty incredible how symbolic images are. I think I often times forget that.

March 6, 2023

blog
april 15, 2019 poem

Living life so gallantly
Soaring, loving, loved
Bright – no end in sight –
Naivety, blind to the light

Uncertainty creeping in
Clinging, grasping, loss
Eyes – painfully enlightening
Can’t be stopped

Fear, emanating –
Rapid, violent, wild
Like a surging demonic fire
Overwhelming
Naivety piercing sharply **

Sorrow filling, hope lost –
Worlds come crashing down
The end blaringly in sight
For late at night one’s life slowly fades

In a daze, time’s stopped
A soulless body aimlessly walking,
Longing to reunite, **
Spiritually – one with the universe **

Stopped, a hero emerges
Overwhelming presence,
Blessed beyond the stars
Life seeping in slowly

Alas, reuniting
Yet to be complete
The one blessed by the gods
Falls down to Earth

Shattered –
Overwhelming guilt; emerging
Nothing to stop it
Demonic fire blazing

No past,
No future,
No life,
Shocked out of existence

Time gone –
Where?
Stretching on forever,
Nothing in sight

April 15, 2019

poetry